I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell, right now you can't tell

I think once you embrace that you're having a minor nervous breakdown, life becomes a little easier. To clarify, I don't mean to denigrate people who are having or have had an actual nervous breakdown, I know I'm having a "First World Problem," and I'm trying to take it for what it is.

I got married, I'm getting divorced, I have depression, and I have no idea what to do with my life. There. There it is in a nutshell. Oh, and my uterus is drying up as we speak, so I may never have children...I think that's the meat of the emotional rollercoaster I'm riding. I know I'm not the first person on this ride, but as I may have mentioned repeatedly, I have minimal (at best) coping skills. I find that I have a really strong urge to just scream. Not at anyone, just scream until I feel better. I may try it...just in a department store. No, I kid...about the department store, not the screaming. Maybe I can start a Scream Therapy group.

I've been sleeping in my childhood room since Saturday. If you want to feel like a real winner, I suggest doing that with the realization that you don't know when you'll have the wherewithal to sleep somewhere that you either own or on which you pay rent. Also, my room is tiny. I guess I didn't notice this growing up, as I was rarely in there, and I, too, was smaller, but I feel like Andre the Giant sleeping in a milk crate.

When I say I don't know what to do with my life, I'm not being hyperbolic. In fact, I hope I don't run into any members of a cult in the next little while, because I would be very suggestible. You worship chipmunks and wear bras on your heads? That sounds amazing! So we live in underground bunkers and an Oompa Loompa is our leader? What a brilliant idea! I am totally in!

All I can say right now is that I am enjoying singing at the top of my lungs again, appreciating the written word, and the fact that I am tabula rasa. I can go live in Tibet with the Sherpas, or I can join the Peace Corps, neither of which are very likely, but I can do them if I want. I lost myself somewhere along the way in the last 6-8 years, and the upside of that, is that I get to find myself. I remember myself being delightful, so I think it will be worth it.

A change will do me good (let's hope)

I am moving back to Mississippi. I have packed up my clothes, groceries, and has many shoes as I could carry. Hint: it's not even scratching the surface of what still lies in my closet, and I cried nearly the whole time I was packing. This has been my home, my touchstone, my retreat mostly lately, but it's mine.. I truly believe I'm making the right decision. Further, I truly believe that my future decisions have to be about me and me alone. People are going to formulate opinions: Emily's gone crazy, she's fragile, she can't handle reality. They might be right. But rather than bull-shitting my way through knowing I need counseling and support before I secure my next step, I'm actually going to do it.

I have a depressive personality. I've had it since college, the first time I took an anti-depressant. Mostly, I seem fine to other people, upbeat and social and always cracking a joke, and mostly I am. But the lows I experience with this affliction, especially when major life upheavals happen, like my father, grandmother, and brother dying, along with the end of my marriage, are the lows that cause me to sleep 19 hours a day and wish I could disconnect my phone so I don't have to worry anyone when I don't answer and just want to sleep.

I have so much potential. It's there, it's like dangling from a tree I can't reach right now, and I have to find the mechanism that controls the potential that leads to my happiness. I know I'm capable of happiness; for a depressed person, I'm pretty funny. That's what helps me deal with things, courtesy of my father. I don't know if he was depressed, but he had a dark sense of humor that I wholeheartedly inherited. I'm genuinely trying to find my way and my purpose and my happiness again. I know it's there. I don't think it exists in the pre-accepted normal professional life, and that's okay. I can gain the tools to find what my "special" purposes is.

I don't want to be some 40-year-old living off her mother, whining about why society didn't treat me fairly. I have no bones with society, except the Tea Party, and that's a whole other conversation. I just need motivation to get off my lackadaisical ass and do something. Teach, help impoverished communities, work with children, counsel, and still maintain my writing. I dunno. I feel our generation was given a set of tools that stopped applying once the economy took a dive, and I need to chisel my way out. I am not this whiny, self-centered person, and I am smart and capable and want to teach and help in a greater, macro-way. I just need a good freaking counselor to tell me to stop crying that my marriage is over and tell me it's not completely my fault. I don't think that's asking too terribly much. If it is asking too much, screw the psychotherapy industry. Trust me, I got issues.

On a side note, after I cried while packing my house, I watched "Hot Tub Time Machine," which I highly recommend to cure the doldrums.

Taking stock (not chicken), and it's not good

I'm a smart person; I don't mean for that to be conceited, I just think empirically, most people would say that I was smart. I'm well-read, up-to-date on current events, and I like to imagine I can carry on an intelligent conversation with just about anyone. All these things beg the question: Why do I do the dumbest possible things at the worst possible times?

The timing aspect is not always necessarily true, but it brings to mind a story that was told many, many times in our family. When I was younger, my parents had a silver tray that rested on a mahogany structure with wheels on both sides. If you tipped it even the slightest, all manner of silver goblets would clang onto the floor as the cart (?) overturned. I was told countless times not to do this, not to touch it, because I did occasionally run into as children do. Then, as I began to realize how annoying it was and how much my parents truly didn't want me to knock it over, I started doing it out of pure spite. That may have been around the time they started the James Dobson series "How to Raise a Willful Child." I can't be sure.

I seem to have a self-sabotaging mechanism lodged in that part of my brain that also lets depression overtake me and doesn't give a time, because I'm too tired. I've only been in one truly wonderful relationship in my life (my soon-to-be-late marriage), and as much as I want to push all of the blame on my husband, and he does have his fair share, I'm almost more responsible for it. I have issues; really, I do. I don't wear a sheet and dance around with a plant on my head, but there are some days that sleeping for 19 hours makes me feel better than facing a new day. I haven't dealt with those issues properly, and my life is showing the repercussions.

I'm a great thinker; I feel like Dr. Seuss. I think so many grand things; I shall make them so! But, I don't. I give in to emotional exhaustion and try to get through another day, week, month. I am not a bad person; that's probably why I still do have the few people around me that care about me. However, I am a disappointing person. I have such potential and light and humor and intelligence in the right circumstances, and then the "fog" takes over. I could name the "fog" over the years: realizing depression, the breaking-off of an engagement, losing my grandfather, father, grandmother, the notion I might one day have a good relationship with my brother, my marriage, and my zeal for anything that disallows yoga pants. I don't want to be a blamer, I really don't. Nothing causes this but my own self-deprecation.

I imagined myself so differently at 36, and I'm trying so desperately to adjust the expectation. I have the worst coping skills since Sybil, and despite my smarty pants attitude, I do not know it all. I know less than 50%. I want to make a good life for myself, and I don't want to arbitrarily waste it. I don't know what the coming weeks, months, and years will bring, but I want to be a person you'd be proud to know, and a person on whom you can rely, and an example for my nieces, nephew, great-nephew, and children, should I be lucky enough to have them. I have been such a spoiled, entitled jerk for 36 years, and I don't want to do it any more. I want to be able to earn love and trust from everyone in my life, and I promise that I will do my best to achieve this. Feel free to call me out if I'm not living up to this deal.

Love is all fine and good until someone says "separation."

I think I'm a reasonable person. I try to be. I do lead with my emotions, but generally logic and do-good takes over the freaking out part of my brain. Most people that know me, even pretty well, would say that I'm "tough as nails," or "sassy," and that's not entirely untrue. What they don't know, or maybe they do, is that, in Bob Dylan's words, "She breaks just like a little girl."

I am extremely sensitive. I cry at sad movies, songs, quotes, videos, commercials, etc....I am a hot, emotional mess. I might make a shitty comment in the middle of one of these episodes, but my emotions are raw and on display. I have a T-shirt, and I don't wear novelty T-shirts as I once did, but this one is black with pink lettering that says, "I wear my heart on my sleeve," and cleverly, the little T-shirt people embroidered a pink heart on the sleeve. It pretty much epitomizes me.

I have been in love seven times in my 36 years. There may be a love barometer I could gauge those loves on, I dunno, but there are those that resonated more than others. I was engaged at 21, which was incredibly stupid beyond my lack of years and knowledge, and when that relationship broke up, I thought nothing could ever be worse. I was sadly, very wrong.

My father always told me that when you met "the One," you would know, and so I think I aspired to that ideal. I honestly can't say that I felt that "bolt" or whatever with  my 21-year-old self, but I genuinely thought I did with my husband. I was never really a truly pissy single person that put a hex on all happy people, but when I met my husband, I think I understood why those bitter people were angry. Ahhh...happiness, like being wrapped up in a blanket straight from the dryer on a cold day and feeling like nothing could ever damage or change that moment.

And now, I've been married 6 1/2 years, 10 months of which have been comprised of separation, and I am no wiser than I've ever been. I don't know what went wrong. I thought love conquered all, all you need is love, love will keep us together, love means never having to say you're sorry. I'm so disillusioned, I don't know what to think. I can function without my husband, sure, but I don't know how to trust or truly love again. And now we're getting into the fun, nitty-gritty of divorce, who pays what, the mortgage, the cell phone, and it doesn't really remind me of the day that I pledged my love for eternity. Although, if death do us part is the deal, I jokingly said, "Well, maybe that can happen sooner rather than later. " I don't know; I never imagined myself in this situation; my dad lied to me, or more accurately, was part of a generation that didn't believe in divorce. All I know, is that I've heard the sound of my heart audibly breaking over the last 10 months.

I think marriage is a great thing, I still do, really. I just rally against anyone having to feel like I have felt for almost a year, that I'm not good enough or enough of enough to make the person you pledged your life to live happily ever after. I don't think that happily ever after is a myth, I just don't know how I completely botched it, to the point, that if I can find a book club and someone to teach me to knit, I don't even care about men anymore. And I'm not a lesbian, not that there's anything wrong with that...but I'm just not...so there's that.

Just.....AUGHHH

I'm not really sure this blog has a direction; I just felt like writing, so prepare for ADD or ADHD or whatever the hip thing it is to call when you can't organize your thoughts these days. I feel like that book "Woman, Thou Art Loosed," except I don't know what it's about, and I'm not black. I'm just kind of existing on emotions and nerve endings at this point.

Chantix is making me feel beyond weird. I had a near-48-hour period of basically not wanting to move. It did totally mess with my head and make me feel like complete crap, but as this is supposed to be "normal," I am forging ahead. I feel so much of the last year has been me "forging ahead." I hate to think that I'm missing out on anything by just trying to get the hell until the end of the day, so I can say, 'I made it...one more day."

I'm not a super emotional person. Yes, I cry at movies and other appropriate times, but I don't go around unloading my personal business on anyone who will listen (unless you read this blog, of course), but I feel like my emotions are at maximum capacity. There have been so many profound changes in my life in the last year, that once I step back and consider them, I'm not sure that I'm processing them correctly. I know, who's to say what "correctly" or "incorrectly" is, but other people in similar situations seem to be doing just fine.

Like my estranged...he seems to be doing A-okay. Let's separate for no apparent reason...BAM...let's say we're working it out, but secretly we're not..BAM....let's get divorced because you don't accept this namby-pamby approach to marriage...BAM I don't believe in arranged marriages; it's not my culture, obviously, but I do believe in giving good, mother-jumping reasons for divorcing. We could say that society has progressed and brought us further in life-fulfilling efforts to the point that divorce is less taboo than it was in say, the 50s, OR we could say that we're all so selfish and full of dishonor and able to reconcile those negative traits while professing to be good and wonderful Christians, that here we are. I will say, that I was not a perfect wife. I have never claimed to be a perfect anything, EVER. I went through deep lulls of depression over many things, namely the death of my father, the most important person in my life, but if you join yourself in spirituality and beyond to another person, you don't abandon them because they didn't turn out the way you wanted. If marriages ended that way, no one would be married. It's called being adult. Come visit me; it's nice.

I did not think I would be here, except that if I had been born in the 50s, I most definitely would've been one of those women that thought there must be something better than making a pot roast in heels, pearls, and a pinafore. So, maybe it doesn't matter when or where I am, but I do know that I'm just pissed. I always return to "Flowers for Algernon" a book by Daniel Keyes. The basic premise of the story is that Charley, the protagonist, has a sub-Forrest Gump level IQ. These scientists, based on tests on Algernon, a mouse, give him therapy to make him really smart. He becomes really smart, realizes what his life could be, falls in love, and then...parallel with Algernon's progress, reverts to dumb ol' Charley the blue-collar worker. The beauty of it, though, is that he never remembers that he was ever smart or aspired to anything above his current station in life.

It's extremely sad, and yes, like a big emotional girl, I cried when I read the book. However, my point is...wow...I so wish sometimes that I could just be a big, happy conformist. I could just take a pill, be modern-day Donna Reed/Ally McBeal, and everyone would be happy. I don't take pictures to chronicle my every step in life, I don't know the difference between a valance and a curtain. I like to drink wine, but I do also dearly love my nieces, nephew, and great-nephew, and they love me. I don't know how to make a roux or a chutney or can things, but I can outspell and out-sass the best of them. I simply don't know how I got to this place in my life, but I will make damn sure that I will never really be able to say that again. My choices will be just that, MY choices, and I am done with the guilt and second-guessing and feeling "less than." I have not changed my personality since I was five years old, and I'm not going to start now. Take it, or it was nice knowing you.

The Things You Don't See Coming

Life can just be ridiculous. I mean, it's great, too, don't get me wrong, but no matter how hard you try, you can't prepare for everything. That includes the good and the bad. I was sitting here, just languishing in the notion that I have a three-day weekend, and it hit me, as the dark thoughts do, enveloping my brain like a tree with the knotty roots that seem to be beckoning the tree to the dirt, I am a 35 (nearly 36) year-old with no grand plan.

In thinking about it a lot in the last few months, maybe a grand plan is not so smart. The world, our country even, is filled with uncertainty and indecision; hell, the government can't agree, so why should I be having anxiety attacks over my personal life? I'm not, actually. I think I can count my anxiety attacks on one hand, one involving IKEA. It just made me dizzy, as did their "instructions" on products, which consist (or did) of some bizarre graphs and then a rudimentary drawing, at best, of a really long telephone line leading back to IKEA. Are there no cordless phones in Sweden? I digress.....

I honestly cannot wrap my head around all the things I've lost in the last four years, and I guess it doesn't matter all that much, except that I keep thinking that you have no idea when life can turn on a dime. I remember Baz Luhrmann, the director (Moulin Rouge, The Great Gatsby) came out with a bizarre spoken song in the early '00s called "Wear Sunscreen," and one of the lines that has always stuck with me was " The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday."

My father died on a Monday morning, and it wasn't unexpected completely, but the fact that when we thought it would happen, and waited and waited, and it didn't, until his stubborn ass was ready to go prove those song lyrics. The slap in the face of my separation leading to pending divorce (?) took me completely by surprise. It happened on a Friday afternoon, and to say that I was not expecting it would be akin to my saying Pearl Harbor was a little surprised.

I don't know what my point is; I often have no point. Oh yeah, maybe this at least resembles a point. I never thought any of the bad things that have happened to me in the last few years would happen. Well, duh, why would I have? However, I also would have never thought that I would live for my nieces and nephew and great-nephew. When I was in high school, I eschewed children, thinking I would never want to have children, and the little irony upon me now is that I ACHE for children, but I'm not in a position to do that right now. I love that modern medicine hasn't closed that window for me, but I am also mindful that God and nature have their own ideas, too.

I think, now, in my pre-mid life, I want to rediscover life and the family I have that I was too self-involved to engage before. I want to reach out to my dad's friends...I may even have a tentative book idea, and experience parts of his life that I didn't know. I think sometimes it takes a lot of irritation to make pearls...oh, wait, the oysters have the market on that. Too bad, I have thumbs; I call dibs.

My View of Racism

I can't say that I'm an authority on racism. Yes, I was raised in Mississippi. I spent K-9 in private school, no black people in attendance, and I went sophomore year in high school through graduation at a public school. I've heard racism on both sides, believe me. I once asked a teacher in private school if she should've said the "N" word, and she sent me to the principal's office. He couldn't do anything; she shouldn't have said it. He said something stupid about not questioning teachers and sent me back to class.

I thrived in public school. I reflected a lot on how much better Macon, Miss., would be, had the schools been more integrated. I made a lot of friends, both black and white, and I repeatedly thought how I wouldn't have had that experience in Macon. You didn't do that there, or so we always were told, but I never really, and to this day, don't understand why. When I go to visit my mom in my hometown, it's still very segregated, which is weird to me after living in Philadelphia, Pa., and even in Birmingham. I get so pissed when I see racism in the news, and people automatically assume everyone in the South is still 100 years behind the times.

With every situation, I try to see it from all angles. I've never been a black person. I can't say what they've experienced or try to identify with them. I can only speak from my experience. In light of recent news items involving Paula Deen and George Zimmerman, here are my thoughts, and because clearly, this is my blog, these are my opinions only:

I think Paula Deen is a fortunate businesswoman who got unbelievably lucky because people bought into her homespun charm and plucky attitude, and the sponsors didn't realize how strongly the public would bond to her. She is a person who found herself at the right place at the right time, and maybe thought she didn't need the best PR people money could buy, and God knows, she had the money. I don't think that she is a racist. I think she is a Southern woman who maybe doesn't think the "N" word is awful. She thinks that because of the generation in which she grew up, and that is not okay. She should have had handlers that told her talking about race the way she has done in the past is not okay, and her going live on TV crying and seeming like she was the victim was not okay. She could have done things a million different ways and come out looking  alot better than she does now, and she chose not to.

In the long run, she'll be fine. She's already amassed a small fortune, and losing her endorsements is not really going to break her. America loves redemption. She'll do Oprah on Oprah's network in a year or so and come out fine. If Eliot Spitzer and Mark Sanford and that Weiner guy, all politicians, can do it, I'm sure she can. She just needs to understand consequences.

Transversely, I guess, I want George Zimmerman to get off scot-free. That case, or issue, has bothered me since it happened. I'm not used to being on this side of a race issue, if you have to delegate sides, but I think he was within his rights to shoot that boy. I heard the base facts of the case when it happened, and I thought it seemed cut-and-dry. The boy attacked him after being confronted, and he retaliated in self-defense. I thought if something came to light between then and the trial, I was all for it. Nobody wants to think about a 15-year-old being a jackass, especially when he had to die.

However, the more I hear testimony from police and witnesses, I'm resolved in that I think this was not a good kid. You don't want to say bad things about a dead teenager, and I feel for the attorney doing this, because I guarantee you, he may have his face and name splashed across the national news, but he does not feel good about bringing up derogatory facts about a dead teenager.

The media or whoever keeps trying to portray this as a "racial" crime, with Zimmerman being the "white" nemesis, and I don't understand this. He is clearly Hispanic; I have not followed the trial enough to know if he was born here, or second-generation, etc ... but I just don't see how this can be a racial crime. If a person looks suspicious and you confront them verbally, why should they attack you, or even in the first place, if they are freaked out by your suspicion, why would they go back to where you are and purposely antagonize you? I'm sorry, but I think George Zimmerman defended his neighborhood and his person according to what he knew best. I am very sorry that Trayvon Martin died, but I think he was either not in his right mind, or he had an odd way of trying to exhibit his dominance.

Coping: Emily Style

So in the last three years, I've lost my father, my grandmother, my marriage (pending), my 13-year-old dog, and my brother. Why am I not suidical, you ask? I have no tangible words of wisdom, really. I can't say: Do this, and you'll be fine. In fact, platitudes like that really piss me off. I've never had good coping skills. I have no good explanation for this, except that the first 21 years of  my life were pretty sun-kissed. I had it good. My family was close and funny and smart, and I had great friends and a bright future and endless possibilities. I was wrapped in that tight-knit bubble that all young people cling to that ensures invincibility and infinite happiness.

Each of these things has taught me a lesson. Whether I use those lessons to make a difference, even if only to myself, remains to be seen. I miss my father and my grandmother so much, it literally causes an ache inside me if I think about it too long. I want to pick up the phone and tell them something, and then, like a crazy person, I just tell them myself. I guide parts of my life by advice from them that I hear in my head, and that's what's kept me from drowning in grief.

With my precious dog Norton, I am okay with the fact that he lived to be almost 92 dog years and had a good life and was a happy, spoiled dog. When I think about him, a lot of his memory is inextricably tied to my father, and I don't care what they say about Dog Heaven. He and my dad are "at play in the fields of the Lord," as my dad used to say, and Norton is chasing squirrels, and my dad is throwing a ball that Norton will never bring back. Even in death, I don't think he deigns to fetch.

I imagine that my grandmother and my brother are driving each other crazy with the remote controls in Heaven, and my grandmother thinks it's too cold. I'm sure my brother reminds her she could've gone the other way, where being cold wouldn't have been even the slightest issue, and she tells him to hush. It's hard for me to personalize my brother's Heaven, because we weren't that close. He was 15 years older than me, and even besides that, we had grown apart in the years before he died.

I stupidly thought that I had a lot of time to repair our relationship, and I was wrong. I don't look back and have huge regrets, because he made some personal decisions that made it a lot harder for our relationship to be repaired. However, I regret that he died possibly thinking that I didn't love him. I did, but I wanted the Superhero Big Brother that I remember when I was little. I wanted him to forget about the crappy hand he was dealt and turn it into a success story and live to be a great father to his daughter and a great grandfather to his grandson, Jackson, but my wanting something doesn't make it true.

Here is what I know: In the week after my brother died, I got to spend much-needed and long-overdue time with my niece Claire, who I worry about every day, I got to spend time with my great nephew, Jackson, who is a big, hot handful of Terrible Twos (I changed two diapers!!), and I got to literally collapse into a tearful hug with my still-husband, whose presence at the funeral touched my heart in a way I can't explain, and I've gotten to take care of my mom, which seems only fair, since she's been taking care of me for 35 years.

I have no Deepak Chopra answers. I don't do things the right way. I decided to cut and dye my own hair today and just did it. I have no idea how it looks yet, because it's still wet, but I do know that I brushed a small Muppet of hair into the trash and left the dye on as long as possible because this gray hair nonsense has been going on long ENOUGH! But, I also know that my best friend of 20 years had a baby today, and that helps with the Lion King-Circle-of-Life coping....a baby! We were 17 five minutes ago. These are the things that keep me going.

The wine and the table

I knocked over a glass of wine, and the violet rivulets ran into every crack of the table's facade.
My soul pained at the absorption of all of the heaviness, seeping into crevices I had not previously known.

Each new tributary mirrored an unspoken desire or a compromise I didn't want to make.
These red vines encompassed me with each trickling invasion.

But I do want to live out loud and make no apologies, and I do want to have a little soul staring back at me with full-bodied love. And I do want to sing and be silly and not be made a fool for doing so.

The tannins will destroy the veneer and the structure of the table, embedding into the foundation that makes it a table. I can't remember when I wasn't apologizing for something for which I didn't feel sorry.

Contents under Pressure May Freak Out

I'm sort of an emotional ticking time bomb. I'm pretty much okay 95% of the time, but that 5%, hold on to your hats, or my hat, I guess, if I could pull off wearing a hat. I've had this underlying feeling of annoyance for the past week (ish), but like all good WASPs, I pushed it down and covered it with food and wine. Today, it burst forth, making me cry on my drive home from work, because the only thing I could find on the radio were a. love songs, b. songs of personal import, and c. NPR, who I love, but sometimes bore and/or irritate me to distraction.

I think I've somewhat narrowed down my annoyances to these:

1. Is everyone a couple, and if so, why are they all pregnant? I am not a bitter person, well, that's not true, but I've never, ever been jealous or covetous of anyone else's happiness. My very best friend in the world is having a baby, and I honestly could not be happier. However, I find myself otherwise surrounded by some couples that, if I played the odds, I would clean up betting against, yet, there they are, happy and child-flushed. I know they could be arguing over why hubby watches gay porn, but from the bittersweet outside, I feel a little sad.

2. Wouldn't it be nice if you knew how your life would play out? I was raised Presbyterian; we believe in all that pre-destined, no free-will business. If that's really the case, just give us a heads up. Maybe I would've not begun a love of soft cheeses and fried pickles if I knew I would be single in my mid-30s. Dating or being naked in front of anyone is the furthest thing from my mind, but, damn...if I had known there'd be all these other mid-30's divorcees to contend with, I might've given it a second thought.

3. Cooking for one person is a pain in the ass. I didn't even really cook before I got married, and then I became a pseudo culinary adventurist. I had magazine subscriptions, daily e-mails, I learned how to use paprika and rosemary. And now, if I want lasagna, it makes more economical sense to buy the sad Stouffer's frozen lasagna, which has far too much oregano. I made lasagna last week for three people, and I just threw away leftovers. Frozen dinners make me sad.

4. Random insomnia makes me mad. I've gone back and forth, first not being able to sleep without another person, then overtaking the entire bed to assert my independence, and now, just sort of confusedly sleeping anywhere from my side to the middle. I never thought that snoring and twitching would be oddly comforting, and that pisses me off on a giant scale. I've always slept fine. I can nap anywhere; I slept in an airplane seat on a flight from Detroit to Paris in a little ball, no problem, and now, I can hear murderers waiting until I fall asleep to slip into the bedroom to kill me. Little do they know, I have an 8-iron under the bed...so....that should serve as a warning.

5. This spot is reserved for all the things I can't delineate. Sometimes, I may need help putting on a necklace or identifying a spider. I abhor taking out the trash, and I miss hearing, "You look nice." I have a wedding DVD I secretly want to watch, but fear I will either explode or throw up if I do, so I don't. I am only "with myself," and it's sobering to absorb what that really means. I don't regret my marriage, but I am sorry that I am now saddled with such distrust and cynicism, that it's hard for me to picture being really happy again.

"A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you."
Margaret Atwood
 

Not So Much for the Self-Help Books

So, I was trying to be all healthy and pro-active, and I bought two books to help me deal with and process my divorce. The first one has already pissed me off to the point that I threw it and am trying to decide if I want to resume it or not. I don't like all this tree-hugging "step" business ...steps in divorce coping, we're climbing a mountain, blah, blah, blah. Can't we mention the "bottle of wine" step and the "not going outdoors" step. These are the ones with which I'm familiar.

I'm not saying that these books may not be eventually be a little more helpful, and it may be that I have to take bits and pieces from each one to use for my situation. I guess it seems like most of these books paint the reader into a corner of patheticism (yep, it's a word..my word), and I don't feel pathetic. I think I did before, but I'm past that feeling. Now, I'm just sort of simultaneously angry/emboldened.

If I wanted to, I'd get a tattoo...but I don't want to. What I want to do is ....

1. Start taking guitar lessons again -- That cranky guy in Philadelphia with no air conditioning will not deter me from doing something I've always wanted to do. I have the guitar, just need to find a teacher.

2. Buy a new car with payments I can handle, that I VOW to keep clean and up-to-date on maintenance, that won't cause me to be broken down on the side of any road. But, once again, thank GOD for Triple A and my honest buddies at Gardendale Express Oil. These guys have checked tire pressure, fluids, and fixed my windshield wipers for free.

3. Cooking better and getting off my ass to be and feel healthier. I have adopted a "I can do what I want" philosophy since moving ahead with divorce plans. It doesn't feel bad, I have to say, but my pants are a little tight, since I decided pizza and anything I felt like eating were tenets of this philosophy. Sadly, I'm not 20 anymore, so I can't just eat whatever I want and expect no consequences, which brings me to....

4. I don't want to be 35 and divorced...unless Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox show up with a Delorian and a flux capacitor, I realize this is not possible, but this is the angry part of my personality right now. I want children, desperately...well, the one...I want one child.

So, here I am, 35 years old, about to be divorced, and childless. I do not want to be in a hurry to date, much less get married again, so we're looking at maybe 38-ish before I could be married again, and that's on the outside spectrum with my attitude these days. I wouldn't want to rush right into having children, so then we're looking at maybe 40. I know you can do that, and I know that people do that, but that whole biological issue makes me want to have a little talk with Eve in the Garden of Eden, and say, "Really? You had the eat the apple? You have no idea what you're doing to your fellow females."

For now, I am going to read novels and leave the self-help books in my sock drawer where they can't cause any harm until I'm ready to face the cheesy steps up the mountain again. Also, this is new, my mother calls me every day, and if I don't answer once or twice, she then decides I'm dead or in jail and leaves me the horrible messages "you need to call me; where are you? I'm worried. Are you in a ditch?" Ch-ch-ch-anges....

Life is Exhau-lirating? Yeah, I made it up

So, as a soon-to-be divorcee, I made myself some rules. Some are very healthy, and some like "eat whatever I want for 2-3 weeks" are probably not. However, one was to make attainable goals. I'm not going to proclaim that I will sail around the Horn of Africa by year's end, but I think, for instance, making myself blog and write more are achievable things. I would also like to restart my guitar lessons. I bought a guitar off Craig's List in Philadelphia, Pa., before Craig's List was used to murder people. I did let my roommate know where I would be in case I didn't show up in a reasonable amount of time. End result: super cool guitar; no murder...yay.

I find myself with a mixture of emotions. I'm sad that my marriage didn't work out, but I also feel a rush of relief at not having to feel responsible for another person's well-being and happiness. Don't get me wrong, I still love my husband and care what happens to him and worry about his health, but it's oddly liberating to no longer have a day-to-day connection or stress about how to get back to that daily connection when things are not looking so good.

I will say this: I no longer have to worry about snoring, which I do...loudly. Sure, it makes my throat feel like shredded meat every morning, but I don't have to be concerned that I kept someone awake. Conversely, I don't have to do a target search for earplugs to keep from hearing someone else snore, and I can thrash around and hog the bed and sleep however makes me comfortable. Apparently, I've been told I did that anyway during my marriage, at times screaming with nightmares and once slapping my husband in the face in my sleep...Eh...it all worked out in the end, and I promise I have no recollection of any of these things, and I'll swear on a Bible if you push the issue.

Another sort of perk of living alone: I can make meals at my whims and buy the groceries I like. I'm not discounting the compromise you go through when living with a partner/spouse, but one night, I seriously had a banana, some Havarti cheese, and peanut butter for dinner. You can't do that when you're married. I subscribed to recipe websites, had food magazine subscriptions, if I was home in time to make dinner, I made elaborate dinners. You can't really do that when you're just cooking for yourself. I mean, you can, but if you make lasagna, you are eating lasagna for a week, and no one likes lasagna that much, not even Garfield.

I guess my point is, you just learn as you go and do what makes you happy. I am so far removed from the thought of dating, which is good, since I'm not officially divorced, but I honestly cannot even imagine a scenario where I want to date. I hate dating, and people, not just men, are so stupid, and I've reached an age where my tolerance is on the low level, I just don't know how that will work. I have a lot of respect for people who have found a life-long happiness in their second or subsequent marriages. I have assumed the role of cranky bitch who finds every aspect of romance/love/intimacy to be a fallacy. But other than that, I feel just fine. The 2/$10 Rex Goliath wine special at Winn-Dixie is my personal hero.

The Hazel Principle

My grandmother was what you would call "a pistol." She would send food back at will, terrorizing wait staff, sales people, store clerks, etc... you could pretty much name it. I would sometime cringe in a restaurant with her, because you could either get her completely charming personality or you could get the Diva. As a 20-something-year-old, I came to accept this as "Old Lady Syndrome." By the time I was 22, my grandmother was in her late 70s/early 80s. However, as this behavior started to worsen, I realized she had been this way my whole life, actually. After comprehending this, embarrassments aside in my pre-teen years, I am starting to embrace what I am deeming "The Hazel Principle."

I informed my mom of this earlier tonight. It essentially means that I'm removing whatever filter I had in place before and replacing it with a cranky, surly alternative. For instance, I thought Triple A would be a good idea, considering I have previously driven cars until they have fallen apart, and I'm suddenly missing a husband and/or a man type, as of late. And I will reiterate that it is a good idea, well worth the money considering what Triple A does, although I fear I have nearly worn out my 4 per year coverage.

How.....freaking ever....I scheduled an on-line pick-up at 5:30 p.m. today. After being told my pick-up will be between 5:30 and 5:45, I race there like a mad woman, and without going through specifics which point to their possibly incompetent dispatchers, my tow commenced at 7 p.m., a hour and a half later than it was supposed to be.
However, I did not have to pay for a tow through all this horseshit, so Triple A is worth every cent, as far I'm concerned.

After going through massive separation and now, apparently divorce, I am a bit in a fog. You might call it denial, but it's not. I think the true horrible nature of divorce for people not addicted to meth or having other external issues, is just slogging through all those nitpicky things that you don't think about until you have to.

I won't lie; I still love my husband, and I'm pretty certain he loves me, but timing can sometimes be a giant key that can either unlock things or switch them up in a way that leaves you at fate's mercy.
In the meantime, I am treading above toxic car water and trying to find a reasonable and affordable new-ish car. Have I mentioned I hate cars? No? Cars are the Debil.......Anyone have a 2007 or newer really awesome car they want to sell me, with financing? That would make my year. I've also decided, even though I don't feel pitiful, I'm going to start playing the Divorce card. I have to teach myself to cry on cue, though.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E = Clarity?

As my five or so loyal blog followers may know, I've been separated from my husband since October. I haven't posted much on Facebook or been particularly vocal via social media about it, because I do think that some things should stay fairly private. I still think that, but because writing is extremely cathartic for me, I've chosen to write about it here.
We were trying to "work on" our relationship, but because of timing, finances, personalities, and a host of issues that I may not even completely understand, we have mutually decided to get divorced. I'm not the first person to get divorced, I realize I'm not re-inventing the wheel here, but obviously to me, this is innately personal and, I'll be honest, kind of devastating. I even hate the word, "divorce." It's always sounded to me like the word "slice," which makes sense, because at times, it feels like you're being sliced in half, or part of you is being dissected.
My brother is divorced, but as far as role-model marriages go, my parents were married almost 40 years when my dad died (whether they should have been or not is another story), and my grandparents were married almost 60 years when my grandfather died. I have plenty of friends that come from divorced households, and for that matter, I have plenty of divorced friends. However, I had this misguided notion, "That won't be me."
Here's the stuff no one wants to tell you when you get married: There's literally no way to safeguard your marriage from divorce. You can have all the love in the world, you can be as happy as you ever thought you were capable; it doesn't matter. There are two personalities in a marriage, and as much as you may want to try, you can't control your partner's actions or thoughts. Of course I'm not saying all marriages are doomed to divorce, not by any means. I'm just saying, marriage is probably the biggest leap of faith anyone takes in their whole life. When you think about it, really, it's almost ridiculous. You're saying, "Yes, I'm a big, hot mess. I'd like to introduce another potentially big, hot mess into my life 24/7, legally binding, with no way out other than death and a thing that sounds like being sliced." It's craziness.
Do I wish this wasn't happening? Of course, but I also know that when two people aren't happy and the pieces aren't in place to make them happy, you can't force it. Fate and circumstance and life are funny things. I could choose, as my dark brain parts have drifted, to look at this as a failure or a horrible chapter in my life, or I could, and will choose, to take it and learn from it and use it as a positive experience to propel my life from here forward.
I get to figure myself out and do what makes me, just me, happy, and not worry about another person's feelings or expectations. I have a job that I love, friends that are extremely supportive, and a family that is there for me. I have no business feeling sorry for myself, and I'm not going to (except when I'm sad or have PMS). Anything can happen, and I hope it does. That's what makes up this insane thing we call life.

I'm mad as hell, but I'll probably take it some more

Do you realize how much crap we put up with on a daily basis? It's sad, really. From the rude server to the idiot soccer mom in the Cadillac Escalade who nearly kills you while talking on a cell phone, it's ridiculous. I am so over cell phones in the car. Every day on my morning and evening commutes, I realize I am the only one not on my cell phone. I'm not trying to prove any kind of point by abstaining from cell phone usage in the car; I'll do in emergency cases or long, highway-type trips. I just don't get why we have to be connected 24/7.
No one listens/sings to the radio anymore, but me, apparently. How sad. I only have about a 20-minute morning commute/35ish afternoon, but that is time for me to listen to NPR/Adele/Frank Sinatra/Les Mis soundtrack. That's "me" time. Nobody has that anymore. I realized because of my insanely annoying phone, that even while I'm sleeping, it makes noises to let me know about Facebook notifications or Words with Friends (a game for smart people) notifications. Technology is permeating my sleep.
When I was younger, high school-age, I was given two hours of phone time a day. In retrospect, that's actually a lot, but I had about five people, including boyfriends, with whom I had to divvy that time. I thought it was extremely oppressive, but this was when I was using a Swatch phone for my calls, so I might not have the best perspective on the matter.
We got Nintendo when I was about 11 or so. I remember waking my sister up in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve after using my Barbie flashlight to inspect the goods. I literally whisper-screamed, "We got Nintendo! We got Nintendo!" That is some small potatoes these days. My niece has an iPad Touch...is that a thing...iPod Touch? Hell, I don't know, but it does way cooler stuff than Nintendo ever did, other than Super Mario Brothers.
Between Facebook and the articles I choose to read on slate.com or msn.com, etc...the outlandish politics are getting to me. I admit I don't understand the p's and q's of this Benghazi issue, but when I hear the words "impeachment" being bandied about, and we're still in countries Bush sent us to based on NO proof whatsoever, I have to question what people are thinking these days. Yes, I voted for Obama his first term, not the second. I couldn't do it in good conscience, but I take extreme issue with every single thing that's gone wrong in the country since before he took office being his fault.
I also take issue with blanket characterizations of liberals or Democrats or moderates or whatever I am. In fact, you can't pigeonhole me. Moreover, you actually can't really pigeonhole most of the country. That's where Fox News and the like go wrong. I keep hearing about the "liberal media," and I am not so blindsided by anything that I wouldn't recognize it. To this day, the only ridiculously biased network I'm aware of is Fox News.
So, in conclusion, I'm just pissed. I have this sort of cranky, Pigpen-esque cloud hanging over me, because more and more, things are just irritating the hell out of me. This sort of flamboyant black man is the one to rescue these women from Ohio being kept captive for 10 years+, and the media is racist for airing his unvarnished bytes. Hi, this is the South. You've been finding the most toothless, country-sounding morons to interview about a tornado for decades. I think it's fine if a decidedly colorful African-American person is shown to be helpful with a touch of flair. I've seen far more people support the fact that he turned down any reward than denigrate his character. We need to get the hell over ourselves, once and for all.

Never settle; you're better than that

My 11 year-old niece asked me about boys the other day. She prefaced it by tentatively asking, "Can I ask you something?" I had no idea what was coming next. I love her like she's my own daughter, and I thought, "Please don't tell me or ask me something bad. You're supposed to stay little forever." So, she asked me if she and the boy she liked last year should get back together. Apparently, as much as things change, they stay the same, because "dating" at 10, 11 consists of barely speaking to each other at school, but maybe sitting by each other at lunch or something. At my elementary school, "going together" meant holding hands near the giant ditch (lawsuit, anyone) at which everyone gathered. You maybe "hung" out at football games, but that was about it. Oh, to revisit a simpler time. Although the only boy I ever "went with" was a complete jerk who was never very nice to me. I don't even remember how we broke off our pseudo relationship. I think it involved note-passing.

So, the boy she liked last year is a boy she broke up with because he was mean to one of her best friends. I love that she's that protective of her friends. I mean, I know they're 10 and 11, but, still, you garner traits like loyalty, etc...at a very young age. However, as we all know, boys that age can be a little odd. Like instead of talking to you, they might push you down or pull your hair. I told her that as long as she had her friend's blessing (which she does), I think it's okay to give him another chance. I did, however, tell her, that if he acts like a jerk again, she should leave him alone. She, mayor of Sassy Town, gave me a look and said, "Oh, no, if he acts like that again, that is IT." Oh, how I heart her so much. I hope she does learn at a young age not to put up with less than she deserves.

I know that in her life, she may have to settle on some things, but hopefully they'll be the small ones, like curtains or an English class taught by an unpopular professor. It's sad how much we all, myself included, settle on things without even realizing it sometimes. If you had asked me at my niece's age where I would be right now, I would've said singing on Broadway. Anyone who's ever heard me at karaoke, and there are a lot of you out there, knows that wasn't entirely realistic. But I did always feel I was bound for some degree of greatness.

I don't mean for that to sound like the town ass clown. I just had really high expectations for myself. And then I lowered them, and lowered them some more, and then just a tad bit more, and I felt horrible about myself. Now, I don't necessarily amend that I'm bound for greatness, but there are degrees of greatness. I can be a great aunt and a great daughter and a great friend and a great employee and hopefully aspire to just being a great person. Being a great person might be a bit lofty, but I've realized that maybe I won't win the Pulitzer Prize, but I can still live a life out loud and do what I can to leave my mark, and that's okay, too.

Not sure what about what Stella did, but I am slowly locating my groove...or whatever white people do...

It's weird how you get into a rut, whether in work or life in general, and then something catastrophic happens, or maybe like three to seven catastrophic things happen, and you kind of forget what you're like as a happy, functional person. It's sort of like Job, on a smaller scale, although I don't think Job had anti-depressants. I don't want to be sacrilegious or anything, but it's good to see the advances of modern medicine in action in certain regards.

I am not a game show host-happy kind of person. I like to be silly, and I like to make people laugh. And I do use humor to diffuse pretty much any situation. However, there are, and have been, situations in the last few years that even if I have found humor, it's daaaark humor, like Marilyn Manson at a nightclub doing stand-up kind of humor. My father dying is not funny; my grandmother dying is not funny; my being a perfectly smart capable person and not being able to find a job that doesn't want to make me burn the building down is not funny; and becoming an insignificant person in my marriage is not funny.

These things weighed me down. They made me doubt my worth as a person, and by all means, I know those times will come again. But what I'm just starting to realize, slowly, it actually took a somewhat glacial pace, is that I'm still me. I'm still a person who is funny and smart and positive. I can still be those things and be cynical, as is my nature. I want to make people laugh, and I also want to do good work and feel good at the end of a day.

And I also don't want to feel apologetic for being who I am. I talk a lot (if I like you), if our family had a crest, it would be a giant, gaping mouth, but I also listen a lot. I care about my friends and loved ones and what I can do for them. I cry at absurd things, like American Idol (that guy with the speech impediment who can sing like Tony Bennett KILLS me), and my niece and nephew asking if I can come live with them, and I sing ALL the time, and talk to myself...and frankly, crack myself the hell up. And I'm not always proper and appropriate in a conventional way, but I'm just as comfortable talking with a waiter as I am with a CEO of a major company, and there's really no difference in what I'm saying.

It's not good to lose yourself. I've done it before, post-college, but I don't know that it took me this long to relocate myself. Maybe the GSP (as my mom calls GPS) technology had to catch up with me, and it had a learning curve, I'm not sure. All I know is that I feel more positive than I have in a long time, and I haven't upped my Cymbalta. I'm taking things a day at a time and trying desperately not to freak out that I can't predict my future in 5 or 10 years.

I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves about everything. I know I have, and still do, even with my grand epiphany. All we really need to do is live in the moment, drink in the happy ones, stop dwelling as much on the negative ones, and look at the bigger picture. We all seem so tired; everyone is always saying how tired or stressed they are, and I know that's not really a new thing, but in the midst of all that stress and exhaustion, are we really enjoying the here and now? I don't want to be morbid, but we're not promised tomorrow. What if our last days are full of worry and stress and lack the brightness of happiness and enjoyment?

Screw that; I want to suck the marrow out of life and do good where I can and spread joy and happiness where I'm able. I know I sound like an Alcoholics Anonymous poster, but I'm completely serious and trying not to be cheesy. See there, I can be positive, sort of like a game show host, but with anti-depressants and wine.

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better."
--Maya Angelou

Things that are sad

I really kind of hate being at age where parents and grandparents are dying. I don't think I"ve dealt well with aging. I don't look old; therefore, I don't believe to be old. However, my father has died, a person to whom I've idolized, and and my grandmother died... later, but I realized how much she loved me at the end. These are not things that I want lurking inside me, but, dammit, I can't let them go.

My dad would be pissed that I'm holding on to his memory. He would've wanted a jazz band or an Elvis impersenator at his funeral, but we had to be proper and such. He told me once, that when he died, he would be "at play in the fields of the Lord," and I appreciate that, I really do. I know he's fishing and leaping without his shortened leg.

I just wonder, and this is what I struggle with ... how do we on earth, cope with those that are in a better place? I am so happy that my dad and grandfather and grandmother are with each other, although, they may be arguing...but I want them HERE...I need them, their guidance and wisdom and love. Sometimes, I think about them all, and I'm overwhelmed and honored that I had that love and wisdom all in one place.

And my only real hope in life is that I make them proud now, not because I'm a billionaire or an entrepreneur, but because I do good work and try to make myself happy. That's all they would've wanted.

Where do I find myself again? I don't know where I was lost.

I'm pretty mad. And by mad, I mean, I get really mad, and then I cry, which makes me more mad. I'm going through some personal stuff I'm not comfortable broadcasting, but I would like to know where the hell I went. Anyone that knows me knows I'm not a doormat or a meek or submissive person, but you find yourself in situations where your base instincts, however strong or right they may be, are not the appropriate reaction for the situation...so you wait....

Did I mention I'm the least patient human being on the planet? If I have to stand in line or wait, I become physically agitated, like a person with Tourette's or Asperger's. Hell, maybe I should be checked on some kind of scale, because it physically pains me and causes inappropriate things to fall out of my face if I have to wait. I always appreciated the fast pace of Pennsylvania. Even if they were complete derelicts, they knew how to drive quickly to get to where they had to go. I appreciate having a purpose.

Scan to now: I feel like I have no purpose. I'm unemployed, as actively seeking a job as possible, I can't get my stupid tire or brakes fixed until I feel like I have a steady income, and my husband and I are living apart....indefinitely. I am 36, I want a baby, but I'm unemployed with no savings and possibly no husband. I don't recognize this life. I tried to strategically plan my life, but that's a complete waste of time. You can't plan any of the major things in life. So, I thought when I met a person who literally swept me off my feet, that I finally understood my dad's tripe about "knowing when you found the one."

I take issue with love stories and romantic movies, because I think they should go back 5, 10 years later and reassess their handiwork. Oh, the people who were so in love now want to strangle each other in their sleep. Or one person changes, without a heads up to the other person, so you turn into a doormat, wishing that things reverted to the way they were.

I have no answers. I only have questions and frustrations, and no one can answer them or fix anything but me. But I am having an existential crisis at the moment, and I can't talk to my dad, who might have some kind of answer. I can only get up each day and breathe in and out and hope that the pain and disillusionment gets a little better. I'm not saying my marriage is over, but I never thought I'd be in this position about it. Marriage is HARD, and I say this, because I don't think that's advertised enough. It's not all picket fences and babies and skipping in the fields. And if this doesn't work out, I have no interest in another. I can't adopt cats, because I"m allergic, but maybe I'll collect stamps and become the foremost expert in television. I don't know. But I don't need this again. I love my husband more than anything, but if this much pain comes with that much love, you can have it.

I just want to scream and punch meat...like Rocky

I am usually a huge fan of the holiday season. I like the lights and the decorations and that warm, fuzzy feeling you get when it's cold and you've made a big pot of soup or chili. There's hot chocolate and the Grinch and a general feeling of the happy lovies....this year, I'm not feeling it at all. In fact, I'm starting to understand the statistic of how suicides increase during the holidays.

Don't worry, I'm not feeling suicidal...yet...I just am having the feeling of  a large elephant standing on my chest or maybe standing behind me, ready to charge. I have no job.....no income, and I lost my grandmother this year, a lady who kind of personified our family holidays. It's a sad thing when you are the child of only children, and you lose your dad and your grandmother in the span of three years.

I'm not asking anyone...at ALL, to feel sorry for me, I do that well enough, but so many things about the holiday season were defined through my dad and my grandmother. My dad once hung sleigh bells..or, just bells, I guess, outside mine and my sister's windows, he wrote cursive notes from Santa, because he never wrote cursive anywhere else, he spent hours assembling trampolines, bikes, and basketball goals on Christmas Eve, after we were ordered to bed.

My grandmother made the best dressing every year (although my sister did an equally excellent job this year, God bless her), she always got us the best presents, and she made chocolate chess pie, which I tried to replicate a couple of years ago and failed miserably...Last Christmas, about seven months before she died, she cracked up my niece and nephew by trying to stick her tongue to her nose, since they had discovered whether or not they could do it. Imagine, a 91-year-old person trying to stick her tongue to her nose for about 15 minutes....and she never thought she was funny....

You have all these memories of holidays and Christmases past, and they're so good. I used to climb in bed with my sister on Christmas morning after we looked at our toys, and I cried, thinking about that, when she got married, even though I was 16 and we didn't really do that anymore, I knew we never could. I remember when I was about 11, when we got a Nintendo. I set my alarm and used my Barbie flashlight to investigate...and I ran in her room, and shook her, whisper-yelling, "We got Nintendo! We got Nintendo!" I am assuming that when you have kids, that joy returns to Christmas. Maybe one day, I'll experience that.

For now, I am hoping that the new year brings better things for me. This year has been an albatross, and I wish to free it....how do you do that?