I'm pretty mad. And by mad, I mean, I get really mad, and then I cry, which makes me more mad. I'm going through some personal stuff I'm not comfortable broadcasting, but I would like to know where the hell I went. Anyone that knows me knows I'm not a doormat or a meek or submissive person, but you find yourself in situations where your base instincts, however strong or right they may be, are not the appropriate reaction for the situation...so you wait....
Did I mention I'm the least patient human being on the planet? If I have to stand in line or wait, I become physically agitated, like a person with Tourette's or Asperger's. Hell, maybe I should be checked on some kind of scale, because it physically pains me and causes inappropriate things to fall out of my face if I have to wait. I always appreciated the fast pace of Pennsylvania. Even if they were complete derelicts, they knew how to drive quickly to get to where they had to go. I appreciate having a purpose.
Scan to now: I feel like I have no purpose. I'm unemployed, as actively seeking a job as possible, I can't get my stupid tire or brakes fixed until I feel like I have a steady income, and my husband and I are living apart....indefinitely. I am 36, I want a baby, but I'm unemployed with no savings and possibly no husband. I don't recognize this life. I tried to strategically plan my life, but that's a complete waste of time. You can't plan any of the major things in life. So, I thought when I met a person who literally swept me off my feet, that I finally understood my dad's tripe about "knowing when you found the one."
I take issue with love stories and romantic movies, because I think they should go back 5, 10 years later and reassess their handiwork. Oh, the people who were so in love now want to strangle each other in their sleep. Or one person changes, without a heads up to the other person, so you turn into a doormat, wishing that things reverted to the way they were.
I have no answers. I only have questions and frustrations, and no one can answer them or fix anything but me. But I am having an existential crisis at the moment, and I can't talk to my dad, who might have some kind of answer. I can only get up each day and breathe in and out and hope that the pain and disillusionment gets a little better. I'm not saying my marriage is over, but I never thought I'd be in this position about it. Marriage is HARD, and I say this, because I don't think that's advertised enough. It's not all picket fences and babies and skipping in the fields. And if this doesn't work out, I have no interest in another. I can't adopt cats, because I"m allergic, but maybe I'll collect stamps and become the foremost expert in television. I don't know. But I don't need this again. I love my husband more than anything, but if this much pain comes with that much love, you can have it.
Saturday, December 08, 2012
Monday, December 03, 2012
I just want to scream and punch meat...like Rocky
I am usually a huge fan of the holiday season. I like the lights and the decorations and that warm, fuzzy feeling you get when it's cold and you've made a big pot of soup or chili. There's hot chocolate and the Grinch and a general feeling of the happy lovies....this year, I'm not feeling it at all. In fact, I'm starting to understand the statistic of how suicides increase during the holidays.
Don't worry, I'm not feeling suicidal...yet...I just am having the feeling of a large elephant standing on my chest or maybe standing behind me, ready to charge. I have no job.....no income, and I lost my grandmother this year, a lady who kind of personified our family holidays. It's a sad thing when you are the child of only children, and you lose your dad and your grandmother in the span of three years.
I'm not asking anyone...at ALL, to feel sorry for me, I do that well enough, but so many things about the holiday season were defined through my dad and my grandmother. My dad once hung sleigh bells..or, just bells, I guess, outside mine and my sister's windows, he wrote cursive notes from Santa, because he never wrote cursive anywhere else, he spent hours assembling trampolines, bikes, and basketball goals on Christmas Eve, after we were ordered to bed.
My grandmother made the best dressing every year (although my sister did an equally excellent job this year, God bless her), she always got us the best presents, and she made chocolate chess pie, which I tried to replicate a couple of years ago and failed miserably...Last Christmas, about seven months before she died, she cracked up my niece and nephew by trying to stick her tongue to her nose, since they had discovered whether or not they could do it. Imagine, a 91-year-old person trying to stick her tongue to her nose for about 15 minutes....and she never thought she was funny....
You have all these memories of holidays and Christmases past, and they're so good. I used to climb in bed with my sister on Christmas morning after we looked at our toys, and I cried, thinking about that, when she got married, even though I was 16 and we didn't really do that anymore, I knew we never could. I remember when I was about 11, when we got a Nintendo. I set my alarm and used my Barbie flashlight to investigate...and I ran in her room, and shook her, whisper-yelling, "We got Nintendo! We got Nintendo!" I am assuming that when you have kids, that joy returns to Christmas. Maybe one day, I'll experience that.
For now, I am hoping that the new year brings better things for me. This year has been an albatross, and I wish to free it....how do you do that?
Don't worry, I'm not feeling suicidal...yet...I just am having the feeling of a large elephant standing on my chest or maybe standing behind me, ready to charge. I have no job.....no income, and I lost my grandmother this year, a lady who kind of personified our family holidays. It's a sad thing when you are the child of only children, and you lose your dad and your grandmother in the span of three years.
I'm not asking anyone...at ALL, to feel sorry for me, I do that well enough, but so many things about the holiday season were defined through my dad and my grandmother. My dad once hung sleigh bells..or, just bells, I guess, outside mine and my sister's windows, he wrote cursive notes from Santa, because he never wrote cursive anywhere else, he spent hours assembling trampolines, bikes, and basketball goals on Christmas Eve, after we were ordered to bed.
My grandmother made the best dressing every year (although my sister did an equally excellent job this year, God bless her), she always got us the best presents, and she made chocolate chess pie, which I tried to replicate a couple of years ago and failed miserably...Last Christmas, about seven months before she died, she cracked up my niece and nephew by trying to stick her tongue to her nose, since they had discovered whether or not they could do it. Imagine, a 91-year-old person trying to stick her tongue to her nose for about 15 minutes....and she never thought she was funny....
You have all these memories of holidays and Christmases past, and they're so good. I used to climb in bed with my sister on Christmas morning after we looked at our toys, and I cried, thinking about that, when she got married, even though I was 16 and we didn't really do that anymore, I knew we never could. I remember when I was about 11, when we got a Nintendo. I set my alarm and used my Barbie flashlight to investigate...and I ran in her room, and shook her, whisper-yelling, "We got Nintendo! We got Nintendo!" I am assuming that when you have kids, that joy returns to Christmas. Maybe one day, I'll experience that.
For now, I am hoping that the new year brings better things for me. This year has been an albatross, and I wish to free it....how do you do that?
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