Well, perhaps I should change the name of the blog soon to "Independent Loose in Mississippi," because I will be returning to the fair Magnolia State at the end of October. It is a temporary move, but by temporary, I could be talking 7 to 8 months, so if you're a fruit fly, I guess it's pretty damn long.
What prompted this, you may ask?
Well, it's a myriad (GRE word) of reasons, quite frankly.
I moved here toward something. I wanted to work for John Kerry's campaign, but honestly, Kerry, was about as peripheral to me then as he is to the rest of the country now.
I knew that Mississippi was not the place where I would be born and die in, and there would never be any in-between. I was terrified beyond terrified about leaving everything familiar I had ever known, and so, I remained stuck there for longer than I feel comfortable admitting while all the while wanting to know what "the unknowable" was all about.
So, I made a decision, a fairly quick decision about how I wanted to leave there that came in the shape of fundraising for John Kerry, and I never looked back.
Now what has happened since the finale of that election has been another story. I have liked living in Philadelphia way more than I have disliked it, but I also have been railing against the harsh reality that I have not flourished here, mainly because I wanted to prove to someone, perhaps myself, that I could make it outside of Mississippi.
The funny thing about what I've finally come to realize, is that I can make it outside of Mississippi. I have totally made it outside of Mississippi, and for that, I kick absolute ass.
What has changed, perhaps, is my realization about the way my life is going to go in the next few years. I will be in graduate school next fall, where I don't know, but that's a story and stress inducer for another day. It will be well outside of Mississippi, that I can guarantee. But when I go to graduate school, at the ripe old age of 29, I will be committed to that for at least a couple of years, and that is pretty much it for any significant amount of time I will be able to save money, connect with friends, travel and generally avoid adulthood, as I have been wont to do lo these 28 years.
And who knows what may transpire in my life between now, next fall, and the conclusion of graduation school? The possibilities are endless. If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be sitting in my apartment in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, discussing moving back to Mississippi, I would've scoffed and pointed out your obvious drug habit.
Life takes you on many twists and turns and planning for them is utterly pointless. So, finally, maybe, I can just enjoy the ride and stop having to have every single detail mapped out for me. Because, frankly, that sounds boring, and I have been accused of many, many things, but boring has never topped the list.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
An amalgamation of evanescent grandiloquence
As you may be able to tell, I'm deep within the confines of studying for the vocabulary portion of the GRE, and I've come to a few conclusions:
1. I am perhaps not as smart as I thought I was..shocking, yes, I know, but I believe it to be true. I can't decide if it's part of the gradual dumbing-down I feel I've been going through since leaving college, or if it's part of the ego deflations I have seemed to encounter lo these last months. Well, the latter is actually not an excuse as to why I'm dumb(er), it's merely an offering as to why I can accept it now.
As a sub-topic of being dumb, I think I may have been misusing a great many words for the last few years, which is somewhat more distressing. We snotty literary types have all had a giggle at those plebians who use the wrong words from time to time. Personal favorites are "supposably," "revert/refer back to," and "for all intensive purposes," and now I discover that those snottier than I may've been lording it over me that I thought "austere" meant strong, or "truculent" meant lazy. I won't even get into what I thought "alacrity" meant. It's better left unsaid.
So, naturally, the first night that I began my studies, which I thought would be a breeze, I got frustrated and wrote at the top of my page, "I'm too stupid to be accepted to graduate school," which I personally felt was a normal reaction.
However, after thinking about it, I guess it's conceivable that I'm just going to have to study that much harder instead of giving up immediately. Geez..exhibit follow-through? I guess it's worth a try.
On a different topic, after being in a super-cranky mood for the last week or so..(I plead hormones), it looks like perhaps I am snapping out of it, which is encouraging. Do you ever just plunge into a mood so foul that you cannot imagine not experiencing it? That's what we're talking here. I'm not even certain that I fully appreciated my 3-day weekend because of it, but I will damn sure appreciate my 4-day work week now that the fog has lifted.
I get like that sometimes, and, sure there are reasons why I was ill-tempered, but it seems as though my reaction may have been a little strong. I have mentioned at various points in this blog that my coping skills are not so hot, and they really aren't, but I think they're getting somewhat better. At least I recognize that I'm doing it now.
At least with this last hormonal/homicidal episode, I was just cranky, rather than crying at every sappy commercial I saw on television, which I have been known to do in times of despair. No, no, this was more of a focused, I-want-to-maim-everyone-I-see kind of a thing, which is by no means better, but at least takes less of an emotional toll on me. And, really, it's all about me..
I also rediscovered my David Gray "White Ladder" album yesterday and can't believe I had forgotten how awesome it is.
I will leave you with a line from my favorite song, "Hello, Goodbye"
"I put up with all the scenes. This is one scene that's going to be played my way."
1. I am perhaps not as smart as I thought I was..shocking, yes, I know, but I believe it to be true. I can't decide if it's part of the gradual dumbing-down I feel I've been going through since leaving college, or if it's part of the ego deflations I have seemed to encounter lo these last months. Well, the latter is actually not an excuse as to why I'm dumb(er), it's merely an offering as to why I can accept it now.
As a sub-topic of being dumb, I think I may have been misusing a great many words for the last few years, which is somewhat more distressing. We snotty literary types have all had a giggle at those plebians who use the wrong words from time to time. Personal favorites are "supposably," "revert/refer back to," and "for all intensive purposes," and now I discover that those snottier than I may've been lording it over me that I thought "austere" meant strong, or "truculent" meant lazy. I won't even get into what I thought "alacrity" meant. It's better left unsaid.
So, naturally, the first night that I began my studies, which I thought would be a breeze, I got frustrated and wrote at the top of my page, "I'm too stupid to be accepted to graduate school," which I personally felt was a normal reaction.
However, after thinking about it, I guess it's conceivable that I'm just going to have to study that much harder instead of giving up immediately. Geez..exhibit follow-through? I guess it's worth a try.
On a different topic, after being in a super-cranky mood for the last week or so..(I plead hormones), it looks like perhaps I am snapping out of it, which is encouraging. Do you ever just plunge into a mood so foul that you cannot imagine not experiencing it? That's what we're talking here. I'm not even certain that I fully appreciated my 3-day weekend because of it, but I will damn sure appreciate my 4-day work week now that the fog has lifted.
I get like that sometimes, and, sure there are reasons why I was ill-tempered, but it seems as though my reaction may have been a little strong. I have mentioned at various points in this blog that my coping skills are not so hot, and they really aren't, but I think they're getting somewhat better. At least I recognize that I'm doing it now.
At least with this last hormonal/homicidal episode, I was just cranky, rather than crying at every sappy commercial I saw on television, which I have been known to do in times of despair. No, no, this was more of a focused, I-want-to-maim-everyone-I-see kind of a thing, which is by no means better, but at least takes less of an emotional toll on me. And, really, it's all about me..
I also rediscovered my David Gray "White Ladder" album yesterday and can't believe I had forgotten how awesome it is.
I will leave you with a line from my favorite song, "Hello, Goodbye"
"I put up with all the scenes. This is one scene that's going to be played my way."
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Insomnia and anxiety..we meet again, old chaps
Ohhh, need to sleep so badly and can't. I've been doing well with the insomnia problem for the last couple of weeks, and tonight, I am so cranky, hormonal and utterly exhausted, that I can't sleep or be still, and it's driving me mad.
I feel like a huge baby considering what's going on in the southern part of this country to say that I've had a week that seemed Dante-esque in its ickiness, but I can't help it.
And frankly, the events in the South are a large contributing factor to the way I feel right now. I'm dumbfounded at what is going on, and I honestly don't know what to do or say about it that will do any good whatsoever.
I may be able to volunteer next week, I'm just waiting to hear, and maybe that will help me stop feeling so impotent and like everything I have been doing in my daily life this week is so pointless when so many people need help.
That being said, there were other things that have contributed to my shitty, shitty mood; my job is wearing on my nerves faster than a Fox News program, and it's starting to get to me.
I went through waves of denial after the initial "Yay, I got a job with insurance" thing wore off, thinking, well, "It must get better. It can't truly be this mind-numbing." Umm..actually, it turns out it can and is, which makes me all the more determined to get into graduate school in the fall. I don't care if I have to go to Sasketchewan University to get my degree, I'm going back to school to study creative writing. I think I'd rather be happy and poor than comfortable and miserable.
What else am I cranky about? Hmm...in no particular order..
a. People who take people for granted. 'Nuff said. That is never an okay thing to do, and I grow weary of it.
b. Getting cut off in traffic about 50 times this week. They're called turn signals; look into them, drivers of Philadelphia.
c. The fact that I can have about 3 drinks now during the week and literally feel as though a truck has run over me the next day. Getting old is not all that pleasant at all. Also, a sub-note of that, I now get circles under my eyes if I don't sleep well, which I never did before, and I think readers of this blog know how well I'm sleeping, so happy f-ing 28th birthday to me. I'll be an alligator bag-face by the age of 30.
d. The cost of gas. That's all I'm going to say about it, but I think I'm going to start commuting via Razor Scooter.
Alright, I think that about covers it.
On a brighter note, there were things that made me happy this week: Finding out that all my friends and family were safe after the storm hit made me extremely grateful; Simon talking about kicking the "footy" and getting into an argument about where to buy Red Sox gear for someone who really loves the Red Sox with a crazy Phillies fan saleslady. I didn't think it was funny at the time, but now that I have a little perspective on it, it's actually really hilarious. Sports fans in Philly are so nuts, they really should have special wings of mental hospitals.
Good night (hopefully).
I feel like a huge baby considering what's going on in the southern part of this country to say that I've had a week that seemed Dante-esque in its ickiness, but I can't help it.
And frankly, the events in the South are a large contributing factor to the way I feel right now. I'm dumbfounded at what is going on, and I honestly don't know what to do or say about it that will do any good whatsoever.
I may be able to volunteer next week, I'm just waiting to hear, and maybe that will help me stop feeling so impotent and like everything I have been doing in my daily life this week is so pointless when so many people need help.
That being said, there were other things that have contributed to my shitty, shitty mood; my job is wearing on my nerves faster than a Fox News program, and it's starting to get to me.
I went through waves of denial after the initial "Yay, I got a job with insurance" thing wore off, thinking, well, "It must get better. It can't truly be this mind-numbing." Umm..actually, it turns out it can and is, which makes me all the more determined to get into graduate school in the fall. I don't care if I have to go to Sasketchewan University to get my degree, I'm going back to school to study creative writing. I think I'd rather be happy and poor than comfortable and miserable.
What else am I cranky about? Hmm...in no particular order..
a. People who take people for granted. 'Nuff said. That is never an okay thing to do, and I grow weary of it.
b. Getting cut off in traffic about 50 times this week. They're called turn signals; look into them, drivers of Philadelphia.
c. The fact that I can have about 3 drinks now during the week and literally feel as though a truck has run over me the next day. Getting old is not all that pleasant at all. Also, a sub-note of that, I now get circles under my eyes if I don't sleep well, which I never did before, and I think readers of this blog know how well I'm sleeping, so happy f-ing 28th birthday to me. I'll be an alligator bag-face by the age of 30.
d. The cost of gas. That's all I'm going to say about it, but I think I'm going to start commuting via Razor Scooter.
Alright, I think that about covers it.
On a brighter note, there were things that made me happy this week: Finding out that all my friends and family were safe after the storm hit made me extremely grateful; Simon talking about kicking the "footy" and getting into an argument about where to buy Red Sox gear for someone who really loves the Red Sox with a crazy Phillies fan saleslady. I didn't think it was funny at the time, but now that I have a little perspective on it, it's actually really hilarious. Sports fans in Philly are so nuts, they really should have special wings of mental hospitals.
Good night (hopefully).
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