I just realized, about two hours ago, that tomorrow is my seventh wedding anniversary. No danger of the 7-year-itch here, nope, that happened at five years, 11 months. Whew, problem averted. Ha. It's funny, funny ha-ha or funny strange, your choice, on how completely different my head space is now vs. one year ago.
A year ago this time, I literally did not want to leave my bed, unless it was to drink a vat of wine or eat fried food. Yep, that was it, carbs and liquor, those were my motivators. I can remember going a number of days without showering or changing clothes; that's super hot, right? I stopped shaving my legs and just sort of gave in to the idea of waking up in the morning and that being my accomplishment for the day.
Flash forward to now: Maybe I'm not all filled in, like a human lasagna, but I'm getting there. It took so many stupid, dumbass decisions for which I completely take credit, for me to pull my over-analytical, over-educated (hopefully, soon to be more so) head out of my stupid ass. My life is not over because of a divorce. My faith in certain things is shaken, and I can't change that, no matter what, but I am still here.
My life is what I choose to make of it. If I want to learn guitar like I've always wanted, by God, I will. I plan to start my Master's in English in the summer. What will I do with it? I don't fucking care. It's what I WANT TO DO. I can do whatever I want, and I should've always been suspect of anyone who didn't agree with that plan. I have cow-towed and bent perpendicular, and been a doormat in the hopes of being happy. You know what? I wasn't.
I know I have depressive issues; believe me, I know. However, I do truly believe that I deserve to be happy and to be appreciated. Yes, I may be an acquired taste. I'm a huge nut. I hate cleaning. I would rather drink wine, read, and watch old episodes of Grey's Anatomy. But, I've never hidden these things. I am at 36 what I was at 6, 16, and 26. I've matured, of course, but I am the same person I have been and will ever be. If I'm right, I will argue you to the death, but on the flip side, if I care about you, I will throw myself in front of oncoming traffic to protect you.
So, tomorrow is my 7th wedding anniversary, and soon after, I will bid my marriage adieu. It was a learning experience that I wish I had when I was in my 20's rather than 30's, but I stand by my steadfast assertion. I don't regret experiences and wish I could take them back. Without those experiences, I wouldn't be me. I kind of like me. Other people seem to agree, and I am free to open up to whatever future I choose. Me. It's my future, and I'm starting to realize what makes this girl happy.
Reawakening
I was on the floor and under the bed and fine with that. The future wasn’t a
thing. It was a vague, shapeless fog with which I wanted nothing to do.
I saw smiling boys with their carnival tricks and smooth, slick words, and it
made me retreat further.
Creativity dies when living in a vacuum. I took up residence in a Hoover Upright
and wanted to stay there. I felt comfortable among the lint and dirt. I was secure
in my lack of worth and knew that I belonged with the other castaway material.
The buttons and old change and I had a party to celebrate our uselessness.
Ruddiness has returned to my cheeks and humor to my life. You may end up being
a figment of my imagination, and that’s okay, too.
The idea of the possibility of someone like you, who revels in my existence is
enough for now.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
It's really all about adjustment; I'm just slow
I am incredibly smart at some things, yet incredibly super slow at others. It has literally taken me over a year to pull my well-educated and intelligent head out of my ass and realize that even if my marriage is over, I am not. I still have good things to offer, and I have my whole life ahead of me. It only took one full year. Good thing I'm not a dog; I would've lost seven.
Speaking of dogs, Piper had her spaying surgery done today, and I felt like the world's worst human companion leaving her there while she was shaking like a leaf. I know she needs it, and it's better for her, but it didn't help the massive guilt trip I felt when she looked at me like, "How can do you this to me?" My hope is that it makes her stop trying to run away, and I also cannot even remotely deal with puppies. My dog will not be an unwed, pre-teen mother.
I am scheduled to be out of the house that I have known for the past five years in less than a month. Am I happy about this? Not entirely. Here are my thoughts: I am glad the house has sold, because when you're going through a divorce, you have all these loose ends. This is an end that will be tied, and I'm glad to see it. However, this is the one constant I've known for five years, and even when our marriage hit the fan, I had this place as a refuge. I have chipmunks, squirrels, etc...and my privacy. I now have to move to an apartment where I might have a crazy cat lady who bakes coming over. I dunno; I just don't like people. Is that so bad?
I am trying to behave like a great white shark. There is only forward movement and little rest. Oh, and I'll kill you if you get in my way...kidding. Seriously, I have never needed my inner strength like I need it now when so many rather large changes are going on in my life. I knew I had this strength; I just kind of have to summon it like a demon or genie.
Have you ever experienced a really tough time and something, however small, made you pull out of the nosedive and join the nice society again? I've had that experience. It was sort of a combination of things to metaphorically slap my clueless face and put me back in Emily mode. Oh, the world's in trouble now. I'm on a mission to prove my merit and worth, and you can say you knew me when I just wrote a blog...:P
Speaking of dogs, Piper had her spaying surgery done today, and I felt like the world's worst human companion leaving her there while she was shaking like a leaf. I know she needs it, and it's better for her, but it didn't help the massive guilt trip I felt when she looked at me like, "How can do you this to me?" My hope is that it makes her stop trying to run away, and I also cannot even remotely deal with puppies. My dog will not be an unwed, pre-teen mother.
I am scheduled to be out of the house that I have known for the past five years in less than a month. Am I happy about this? Not entirely. Here are my thoughts: I am glad the house has sold, because when you're going through a divorce, you have all these loose ends. This is an end that will be tied, and I'm glad to see it. However, this is the one constant I've known for five years, and even when our marriage hit the fan, I had this place as a refuge. I have chipmunks, squirrels, etc...and my privacy. I now have to move to an apartment where I might have a crazy cat lady who bakes coming over. I dunno; I just don't like people. Is that so bad?
I am trying to behave like a great white shark. There is only forward movement and little rest. Oh, and I'll kill you if you get in my way...kidding. Seriously, I have never needed my inner strength like I need it now when so many rather large changes are going on in my life. I knew I had this strength; I just kind of have to summon it like a demon or genie.
Have you ever experienced a really tough time and something, however small, made you pull out of the nosedive and join the nice society again? I've had that experience. It was sort of a combination of things to metaphorically slap my clueless face and put me back in Emily mode. Oh, the world's in trouble now. I'm on a mission to prove my merit and worth, and you can say you knew me when I just wrote a blog...:P
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Away I Go....
So, after much back and forth introspection, I am back in Birmingham, which is now my new, permanent home. I admit it; I was emotionally beaten and exhausted, and I thought that I couldn't possibly function here in the "big city" with just little ol' me and no husband. I kinda lost it and ran to my childhood home with my tail tucked to think about regrouping .... and I came to the most amazing realization. Home and my future are wherever I am.
Home is a great concept. I had a wonderful home growing up, and it gave me that "shelter from the storm" feeling until just recently. While I was kind of writhing in the self-pity of my separation and pending divorce, the worst feelings I had were those where I literally could not name what or where would make me feel better. I hate that; that used to only happen when I was sick, that feeling like you're so miserable, that there is nothing that would improve that. Nope, that's also called adulthood.
I realized that if I have to live with my mother to regroup because I'm sad, then I'm really never going to find good footing and be okay with myself. I decided to forge ahead, mildly terrified, and sink or swim on my own. Well, not completely on my own. The majority of my support system is actually here in Birmingham. The life I had when I lived in Mississippi doesn't really exist anymore, and there are no promising opportunities. I would have gotten a crappy job, probably decided not to go back to school, and probably married a complete dumbass. No thanks, I've already been to that carnival. (Disclaimer: my husband isn't a dumbass, we just didn't work, I don't want to be THAT girl, bad-mouthing the ex)
I'm actually excited. This is the first time in almost 8 years that I have to answer to no one but myself. It's liberating, to say the least. I can do whatever the freaking hell I want, (within reason and not using midgets or monkeys) and no one can say shit about it. I like that. I want to get in touch with my real, non-depressed self again and rediscover how fabulous I can be..ha...I partially jest. I actually do think I'm pretty fabulous, and I can now choose who surrounds me. I vow as little negativity as possible with as much laughter and adventure as possible.
Home is a great concept. I had a wonderful home growing up, and it gave me that "shelter from the storm" feeling until just recently. While I was kind of writhing in the self-pity of my separation and pending divorce, the worst feelings I had were those where I literally could not name what or where would make me feel better. I hate that; that used to only happen when I was sick, that feeling like you're so miserable, that there is nothing that would improve that. Nope, that's also called adulthood.
I realized that if I have to live with my mother to regroup because I'm sad, then I'm really never going to find good footing and be okay with myself. I decided to forge ahead, mildly terrified, and sink or swim on my own. Well, not completely on my own. The majority of my support system is actually here in Birmingham. The life I had when I lived in Mississippi doesn't really exist anymore, and there are no promising opportunities. I would have gotten a crappy job, probably decided not to go back to school, and probably married a complete dumbass. No thanks, I've already been to that carnival. (Disclaimer: my husband isn't a dumbass, we just didn't work, I don't want to be THAT girl, bad-mouthing the ex)
I'm actually excited. This is the first time in almost 8 years that I have to answer to no one but myself. It's liberating, to say the least. I can do whatever the freaking hell I want, (within reason and not using midgets or monkeys) and no one can say shit about it. I like that. I want to get in touch with my real, non-depressed self again and rediscover how fabulous I can be..ha...I partially jest. I actually do think I'm pretty fabulous, and I can now choose who surrounds me. I vow as little negativity as possible with as much laughter and adventure as possible.
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