My 11 year-old niece asked me about boys the other day. She prefaced it by tentatively asking, "Can I ask you something?" I had no idea what was coming next. I love her like she's my own daughter, and I thought, "Please don't tell me or ask me something bad. You're supposed to stay little forever." So, she asked me if she and the boy she liked last year should get back together. Apparently, as much as things change, they stay the same, because "dating" at 10, 11 consists of barely speaking to each other at school, but maybe sitting by each other at lunch or something. At my elementary school, "going together" meant holding hands near the giant ditch (lawsuit, anyone) at which everyone gathered. You maybe "hung" out at football games, but that was about it. Oh, to revisit a simpler time. Although the only boy I ever "went with" was a complete jerk who was never very nice to me. I don't even remember how we broke off our pseudo relationship. I think it involved note-passing.
So, the boy she liked last year is a boy she broke up with because he was mean to one of her best friends. I love that she's that protective of her friends. I mean, I know they're 10 and 11, but, still, you garner traits like loyalty, etc...at a very young age. However, as we all know, boys that age can be a little odd. Like instead of talking to you, they might push you down or pull your hair. I told her that as long as she had her friend's blessing (which she does), I think it's okay to give him another chance. I did, however, tell her, that if he acts like a jerk again, she should leave him alone. She, mayor of Sassy Town, gave me a look and said, "Oh, no, if he acts like that again, that is IT." Oh, how I heart her so much. I hope she does learn at a young age not to put up with less than she deserves.
I know that in her life, she may have to settle on some things, but hopefully they'll be the small ones, like curtains or an English class taught by an unpopular professor. It's sad how much we all, myself included, settle on things without even realizing it sometimes. If you had asked me at my niece's age where I would be right now, I would've said singing on Broadway. Anyone who's ever heard me at karaoke, and there are a lot of you out there, knows that wasn't entirely realistic. But I did always feel I was bound for some degree of greatness.
I don't mean for that to sound like the town ass clown. I just had really high expectations for myself. And then I lowered them, and lowered them some more, and then just a tad bit more, and I felt horrible about myself. Now, I don't necessarily amend that I'm bound for greatness, but there are degrees of greatness. I can be a great aunt and a great daughter and a great friend and a great employee and hopefully aspire to just being a great person. Being a great person might be a bit lofty, but I've realized that maybe I won't win the Pulitzer Prize, but I can still live a life out loud and do what I can to leave my mark, and that's okay, too.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Friday, March 08, 2013
Not sure what about what Stella did, but I am slowly locating my groove...or whatever white people do...
It's weird how you get into a rut, whether in work or life in general, and then something catastrophic happens, or maybe like three to seven catastrophic things happen, and you kind of forget what you're like as a happy, functional person. It's sort of like Job, on a smaller scale, although I don't think Job had anti-depressants. I don't want to be sacrilegious or anything, but it's good to see the advances of modern medicine in action in certain regards.
I am not a game show host-happy kind of person. I like to be silly, and I like to make people laugh. And I do use humor to diffuse pretty much any situation. However, there are, and have been, situations in the last few years that even if I have found humor, it's daaaark humor, like Marilyn Manson at a nightclub doing stand-up kind of humor. My father dying is not funny; my grandmother dying is not funny; my being a perfectly smart capable person and not being able to find a job that doesn't want to make me burn the building down is not funny; and becoming an insignificant person in my marriage is not funny.
These things weighed me down. They made me doubt my worth as a person, and by all means, I know those times will come again. But what I'm just starting to realize, slowly, it actually took a somewhat glacial pace, is that I'm still me. I'm still a person who is funny and smart and positive. I can still be those things and be cynical, as is my nature. I want to make people laugh, and I also want to do good work and feel good at the end of a day.
And I also don't want to feel apologetic for being who I am. I talk a lot (if I like you), if our family had a crest, it would be a giant, gaping mouth, but I also listen a lot. I care about my friends and loved ones and what I can do for them. I cry at absurd things, like American Idol (that guy with the speech impediment who can sing like Tony Bennett KILLS me), and my niece and nephew asking if I can come live with them, and I sing ALL the time, and talk to myself...and frankly, crack myself the hell up. And I'm not always proper and appropriate in a conventional way, but I'm just as comfortable talking with a waiter as I am with a CEO of a major company, and there's really no difference in what I'm saying.
It's not good to lose yourself. I've done it before, post-college, but I don't know that it took me this long to relocate myself. Maybe the GSP (as my mom calls GPS) technology had to catch up with me, and it had a learning curve, I'm not sure. All I know is that I feel more positive than I have in a long time, and I haven't upped my Cymbalta. I'm taking things a day at a time and trying desperately not to freak out that I can't predict my future in 5 or 10 years.
I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves about everything. I know I have, and still do, even with my grand epiphany. All we really need to do is live in the moment, drink in the happy ones, stop dwelling as much on the negative ones, and look at the bigger picture. We all seem so tired; everyone is always saying how tired or stressed they are, and I know that's not really a new thing, but in the midst of all that stress and exhaustion, are we really enjoying the here and now? I don't want to be morbid, but we're not promised tomorrow. What if our last days are full of worry and stress and lack the brightness of happiness and enjoyment?
Screw that; I want to suck the marrow out of life and do good where I can and spread joy and happiness where I'm able. I know I sound like an Alcoholics Anonymous poster, but I'm completely serious and trying not to be cheesy. See there, I can be positive, sort of like a game show host, but with anti-depressants and wine.
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better."
--Maya Angelou
I am not a game show host-happy kind of person. I like to be silly, and I like to make people laugh. And I do use humor to diffuse pretty much any situation. However, there are, and have been, situations in the last few years that even if I have found humor, it's daaaark humor, like Marilyn Manson at a nightclub doing stand-up kind of humor. My father dying is not funny; my grandmother dying is not funny; my being a perfectly smart capable person and not being able to find a job that doesn't want to make me burn the building down is not funny; and becoming an insignificant person in my marriage is not funny.
These things weighed me down. They made me doubt my worth as a person, and by all means, I know those times will come again. But what I'm just starting to realize, slowly, it actually took a somewhat glacial pace, is that I'm still me. I'm still a person who is funny and smart and positive. I can still be those things and be cynical, as is my nature. I want to make people laugh, and I also want to do good work and feel good at the end of a day.
And I also don't want to feel apologetic for being who I am. I talk a lot (if I like you), if our family had a crest, it would be a giant, gaping mouth, but I also listen a lot. I care about my friends and loved ones and what I can do for them. I cry at absurd things, like American Idol (that guy with the speech impediment who can sing like Tony Bennett KILLS me), and my niece and nephew asking if I can come live with them, and I sing ALL the time, and talk to myself...and frankly, crack myself the hell up. And I'm not always proper and appropriate in a conventional way, but I'm just as comfortable talking with a waiter as I am with a CEO of a major company, and there's really no difference in what I'm saying.
It's not good to lose yourself. I've done it before, post-college, but I don't know that it took me this long to relocate myself. Maybe the GSP (as my mom calls GPS) technology had to catch up with me, and it had a learning curve, I'm not sure. All I know is that I feel more positive than I have in a long time, and I haven't upped my Cymbalta. I'm taking things a day at a time and trying desperately not to freak out that I can't predict my future in 5 or 10 years.
I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves about everything. I know I have, and still do, even with my grand epiphany. All we really need to do is live in the moment, drink in the happy ones, stop dwelling as much on the negative ones, and look at the bigger picture. We all seem so tired; everyone is always saying how tired or stressed they are, and I know that's not really a new thing, but in the midst of all that stress and exhaustion, are we really enjoying the here and now? I don't want to be morbid, but we're not promised tomorrow. What if our last days are full of worry and stress and lack the brightness of happiness and enjoyment?
Screw that; I want to suck the marrow out of life and do good where I can and spread joy and happiness where I'm able. I know I sound like an Alcoholics Anonymous poster, but I'm completely serious and trying not to be cheesy. See there, I can be positive, sort of like a game show host, but with anti-depressants and wine.
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better."
--Maya Angelou
Sunday, March 03, 2013
Things that are sad
I really kind of hate being at age where parents and grandparents are dying. I don't think I"ve dealt well with aging. I don't look old; therefore, I don't believe to be old. However, my father has died, a person to whom I've idolized, and and my grandmother died... later, but I realized how much she loved me at the end. These are not things that I want lurking inside me, but, dammit, I can't let them go.
My dad would be pissed that I'm holding on to his memory. He would've wanted a jazz band or an Elvis impersenator at his funeral, but we had to be proper and such. He told me once, that when he died, he would be "at play in the fields of the Lord," and I appreciate that, I really do. I know he's fishing and leaping without his shortened leg.
I just wonder, and this is what I struggle with ... how do we on earth, cope with those that are in a better place? I am so happy that my dad and grandfather and grandmother are with each other, although, they may be arguing...but I want them HERE...I need them, their guidance and wisdom and love. Sometimes, I think about them all, and I'm overwhelmed and honored that I had that love and wisdom all in one place.
And my only real hope in life is that I make them proud now, not because I'm a billionaire or an entrepreneur, but because I do good work and try to make myself happy. That's all they would've wanted.
My dad would be pissed that I'm holding on to his memory. He would've wanted a jazz band or an Elvis impersenator at his funeral, but we had to be proper and such. He told me once, that when he died, he would be "at play in the fields of the Lord," and I appreciate that, I really do. I know he's fishing and leaping without his shortened leg.
I just wonder, and this is what I struggle with ... how do we on earth, cope with those that are in a better place? I am so happy that my dad and grandfather and grandmother are with each other, although, they may be arguing...but I want them HERE...I need them, their guidance and wisdom and love. Sometimes, I think about them all, and I'm overwhelmed and honored that I had that love and wisdom all in one place.
And my only real hope in life is that I make them proud now, not because I'm a billionaire or an entrepreneur, but because I do good work and try to make myself happy. That's all they would've wanted.
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