I really kind of hate being at age where parents and grandparents are dying. I don't think I"ve dealt well with aging. I don't look old; therefore, I don't believe to be old. However, my father has died, a person to whom I've idolized, and and my grandmother died... later, but I realized how much she loved me at the end. These are not things that I want lurking inside me, but, dammit, I can't let them go.
My dad would be pissed that I'm holding on to his memory. He would've wanted a jazz band or an Elvis impersenator at his funeral, but we had to be proper and such. He told me once, that when he died, he would be "at play in the fields of the Lord," and I appreciate that, I really do. I know he's fishing and leaping without his shortened leg.
I just wonder, and this is what I struggle with ... how do we on earth, cope with those that are in a better place? I am so happy that my dad and grandfather and grandmother are with each other, although, they may be arguing...but I want them HERE...I need them, their guidance and wisdom and love. Sometimes, I think about them all, and I'm overwhelmed and honored that I had that love and wisdom all in one place.
And my only real hope in life is that I make them proud now, not because I'm a billionaire or an entrepreneur, but because I do good work and try to make myself happy. That's all they would've wanted.
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