It's weird how you get into a rut, whether in work or life in general, and then something catastrophic happens, or maybe like three to seven catastrophic things happen, and you kind of forget what you're like as a happy, functional person. It's sort of like Job, on a smaller scale, although I don't think Job had anti-depressants. I don't want to be sacrilegious or anything, but it's good to see the advances of modern medicine in action in certain regards.
I am not a game show host-happy kind of person. I like to be silly, and I like to make people laugh. And I do use humor to diffuse pretty much any situation. However, there are, and have been, situations in the last few years that even if I have found humor, it's daaaark humor, like Marilyn Manson at a nightclub doing stand-up kind of humor. My father dying is not funny; my grandmother dying is not funny; my being a perfectly smart capable person and not being able to find a job that doesn't want to make me burn the building down is not funny; and becoming an insignificant person in my marriage is not funny.
These things weighed me down. They made me doubt my worth as a person, and by all means, I know those times will come again. But what I'm just starting to realize, slowly, it actually took a somewhat glacial pace, is that I'm still me. I'm still a person who is funny and smart and positive. I can still be those things and be cynical, as is my nature. I want to make people laugh, and I also want to do good work and feel good at the end of a day.
And I also don't want to feel apologetic for being who I am. I talk a lot (if I like you), if our family had a crest, it would be a giant, gaping mouth, but I also listen a lot. I care about my friends and loved ones and what I can do for them. I cry at absurd things, like American Idol (that guy with the speech impediment who can sing like Tony Bennett KILLS me), and my niece and nephew asking if I can come live with them, and I sing ALL the time, and talk to myself...and frankly, crack myself the hell up. And I'm not always proper and appropriate in a conventional way, but I'm just as comfortable talking with a waiter as I am with a CEO of a major company, and there's really no difference in what I'm saying.
It's not good to lose yourself. I've done it before, post-college, but I don't know that it took me this long to relocate myself. Maybe the GSP (as my mom calls GPS) technology had to catch up with me, and it had a learning curve, I'm not sure. All I know is that I feel more positive than I have in a long time, and I haven't upped my Cymbalta. I'm taking things a day at a time and trying desperately not to freak out that I can't predict my future in 5 or 10 years.
I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves about everything. I know I have, and still do, even with my grand epiphany. All we really need to do is live in the moment, drink in the happy ones, stop dwelling as much on the negative ones, and look at the bigger picture. We all seem so tired; everyone is always saying how tired or stressed they are, and I know that's not really a new thing, but in the midst of all that stress and exhaustion, are we really enjoying the here and now? I don't want to be morbid, but we're not promised tomorrow. What if our last days are full of worry and stress and lack the brightness of happiness and enjoyment?
Screw that; I want to suck the marrow out of life and do good where I can and spread joy and happiness where I'm able. I know I sound like an Alcoholics Anonymous poster, but I'm completely serious and trying not to be cheesy. See there, I can be positive, sort of like a game show host, but with anti-depressants and wine.
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better."
--Maya Angelou
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