An annoyance I can't seem to eliminate

I preface this by saying, this is a first-world, self-involved, somewhat whiny post. I have a great job, a roof over my head, food in my fridge and pantry, and no real concrete complaints from life. That being said, I just get these vague, unsettling feelings of "meh" and "I will punch you." That's totally normal, right?

When I was married, I would get these feelings and either bottle them way deep down as to avoid misplaced aggression, or I would freak out because there was a person who was legally required to absorb the brunt of my random, nonsensical outbursts of angry streams of consciousness. Sadly, there is no such person anymore. I have to actually deal with my emotions. What a buzz kill.

As a result, I do weird things, like get super excited to find super glue so I can repair things and alternately read three books at one time, which results in my getting really confused about what lines come back to me later. I also think I either aggressively internalize others' actions the wrong way or swing way on other to the other side of the spectrum and don't internalize them enough.

That was one of the somewhat positive things about marriage. You might've had to navigate a minefield here and there, but you were both forced to deal with it. Without that binding contract, and maybe with it for some people, you turn into the Sherlock Holmes of human emotion. "What did that statement mean?" "I've done something wrong, right?" And it goes on and on and on.

I am not a game-playing, hard-to-interpret kind of gal. Maybe to my detriment, I pretty much just say what's on my mind, what I expect and let you know what I find unacceptable. I feel empowered that way, but I also have to check myself occasionally and remember, oh, yeah, I'm single again and don't have a legal safety net to catch the crazy. No one is legally required to understand why my emotions might swing wildly about, as though attached to the legs of an Irish dancer. And I guess that's okay.

I don't cry myself to sleep anymore, and I look forward to doing things that I plan, but I also miss a warm body lying next to me at night, even if it snores. I find that longing depressing and maddening, but I'm a human being, and I can't deny my basest feelings. And I wouldn't want to. I think the best lesson I can teach myself out of all of this chaos and hurt from the past year is to understand what makes me happy, and how to best achieve it, landmines and all.

What does not kill us, umm...just stresses us out?

My mother has to have chemotherapy. Bam, there it is. She has/had cancer, and now, she has to have chemo. This pisses me off. First, I accepted the possibility of her having cancer, but she had a hysterectomy, which was supposed to cut off any need of further treatment. It didn't. I think doctors are like mechanics with fancy degrees. They can pretty much tell  us anything; we have no idea, and  we just go along with whatever they say.

I am not in the habit of questioning God. I know he has his own stuff going on, and I am very careful about challenging him or cursing him. However, when it comes to the last few years, I have to think. People frequently say that He doesn't give you more than you can handle. I take this to mean someone in my family (please let it be me) is going to be a real-life superhero. I don't revel in pity or misery ever, and I'm not going to start.

I told my mom earlier today that I think she'll be fine, because as I thought about some things, the strength that I have drawn from over my life, has come from her. I don't know anyone from my dad's family, really other than a couple of great aunts, but as much as I love/d my dad, the Gaithers are not from where I get my strength. That strength comes from farmer people raised in Pontotoc, Miss., from which my mom moved as a baby.

I state this as a person who has very little knowledge of this, but here goes....we should learn about our roots, our ancestors, if possible. My family is so small, it's a little creepy. It's pretty much me and my sister and niece and their offspring. Done. Yeah, we have cousins, but it's not the same as an immediate family member you call and know exactly what's going on. Thank the sweet Lord for giving me a sister. We are like the sun and moon, we're so different, but I think God knew what he was doing. Just let my mother be alright. I am not ready to say goodbye to my mother. God, I need you to look past some crap and just give us a break. Thank you.

Joey, I'm Not Angry Anymore

I've had a headache for two days. It's sinus-related, as Mother Nature has apparently gone way off her meds this winter. While I very much enjoyed the snow we had, sort of, I'm having a teeny issue with the 70 degrees one day and the 42 degrees the next day. My sinuses are not happy. I had the first infection in 6 months because of all of this temporal fabulosity, and while that's mostly gone, I'm still having that wondrous pressure in my face. The reason I bring this up, is that even though I feel like removing my facial bones with a rusty spork, I am sublimely happy and can't quite comprehend it.

My divorce is this close to being final. The papers were "e-filed" (so fancy these days) today, and I am merely waiting for a final, judge-signed decree. If you would have told me a year ago that I would be meeting this news with cheerful nonchalance, I would've claimed that you surely jest. But, I am. Really and truly, I am. I am living alone (with Piper the Wonderdog) for the first time in 8 years, and I love it. No, I haven't completely organized since my December move, and I don't care.

I have clutter and full storage closets, and pictures still waiting for a place to hang. I need curtains, a new vacuum cleaner, and I can't figure out why my cell phone bill seems about $50 higher than it should be. There are currently at least five pairs of shoes not in my closet, and this laptop has Piper hair all over it. I. Don't. Care. Not to invoke Sinead O'Connor, but "I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant; I can see whomever I choose." It's a pretty liberating way to feel, after emerging from the post-separation, pre-divorce abyss of misery.

I have people that I choose to have in my life because they each bring me value and laughter, and I hope I do the same for them. I'm finally getting to find out who I am and what I want and what I want to do, and it's better than I ever thought possible. I can make my own choices without much consideration to anyone else, and I get to go to a job every day for a great organization with people who are amazing. I am lucky, and I don't want to take any of it for granted.

So, in the words of the Indigo Girls, "After the battles and we're still around, everything once up in the air has settled down, sweep the ashes, let the silence find us." I can still care about Smitty and mean it and be friends with him and not want to plot his death and feed him to sharks with lasers on their heads. Thank God. I don't do well with resentment. I don't see the point.