So, I was trying to be all healthy and pro-active, and I bought two books to help me deal with and process my divorce. The first one has already pissed me off to the point that I threw it and am trying to decide if I want to resume it or not. I don't like all this tree-hugging "step" business ...steps in divorce coping, we're climbing a mountain, blah, blah, blah. Can't we mention the "bottle of wine" step and the "not going outdoors" step. These are the ones with which I'm familiar.
I'm not saying that these books may not be eventually be a little more helpful, and it may be that I have to take bits and pieces from each one to use for my situation. I guess it seems like most of these books paint the reader into a corner of patheticism (yep, it's a word..my word), and I don't feel pathetic. I think I did before, but I'm past that feeling. Now, I'm just sort of simultaneously angry/emboldened.
If I wanted to, I'd get a tattoo...but I don't want to. What I want to do is ....
1. Start taking guitar lessons again -- That cranky guy in Philadelphia with no air conditioning will not deter me from doing something I've always wanted to do. I have the guitar, just need to find a teacher.
2. Buy a new car with payments I can handle, that I VOW to keep clean and up-to-date on maintenance, that won't cause me to be broken down on the side of any road. But, once again, thank GOD for Triple A and my honest buddies at Gardendale Express Oil. These guys have checked tire pressure, fluids, and fixed my windshield wipers for free.
3. Cooking better and getting off my ass to be and feel healthier. I have adopted a "I can do what I want" philosophy since moving ahead with divorce plans. It doesn't feel bad, I have to say, but my pants are a little tight, since I decided pizza and anything I felt like eating were tenets of this philosophy. Sadly, I'm not 20 anymore, so I can't just eat whatever I want and expect no consequences, which brings me to....
4. I don't want to be 35 and divorced...unless Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox show up with a Delorian and a flux capacitor, I realize this is not possible, but this is the angry part of my personality right now. I want children, desperately...well, the one...I want one child.
So, here I am, 35 years old, about to be divorced, and childless. I do not want to be in a hurry to date, much less get married again, so we're looking at maybe 38-ish before I could be married again, and that's on the outside spectrum with my attitude these days. I wouldn't want to rush right into having children, so then we're looking at maybe 40. I know you can do that, and I know that people do that, but that whole biological issue makes me want to have a little talk with Eve in the Garden of Eden, and say, "Really? You had the eat the apple? You have no idea what you're doing to your fellow females."
For now, I am going to read novels and leave the self-help books in my sock drawer where they can't cause any harm until I'm ready to face the cheesy steps up the mountain again. Also, this is new, my mother calls me every day, and if I don't answer once or twice, she then decides I'm dead or in jail and leaves me the horrible messages "you need to call me; where are you? I'm worried. Are you in a ditch?" Ch-ch-ch-anges....
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Life is Exhau-lirating? Yeah, I made it up
So, as a soon-to-be divorcee, I made myself some rules. Some are very healthy, and some like "eat whatever I want for 2-3 weeks" are probably not. However, one was to make attainable goals. I'm not going to proclaim that I will sail around the Horn of Africa by year's end, but I think, for instance, making myself blog and write more are achievable things. I would also like to restart my guitar lessons. I bought a guitar off Craig's List in Philadelphia, Pa., before Craig's List was used to murder people. I did let my roommate know where I would be in case I didn't show up in a reasonable amount of time. End result: super cool guitar; no murder...yay.
I find myself with a mixture of emotions. I'm sad that my marriage didn't work out, but I also feel a rush of relief at not having to feel responsible for another person's well-being and happiness. Don't get me wrong, I still love my husband and care what happens to him and worry about his health, but it's oddly liberating to no longer have a day-to-day connection or stress about how to get back to that daily connection when things are not looking so good.
I will say this: I no longer have to worry about snoring, which I do...loudly. Sure, it makes my throat feel like shredded meat every morning, but I don't have to be concerned that I kept someone awake. Conversely, I don't have to do a target search for earplugs to keep from hearing someone else snore, and I can thrash around and hog the bed and sleep however makes me comfortable. Apparently, I've been told I did that anyway during my marriage, at times screaming with nightmares and once slapping my husband in the face in my sleep...Eh...it all worked out in the end, and I promise I have no recollection of any of these things, and I'll swear on a Bible if you push the issue.
Another sort of perk of living alone: I can make meals at my whims and buy the groceries I like. I'm not discounting the compromise you go through when living with a partner/spouse, but one night, I seriously had a banana, some Havarti cheese, and peanut butter for dinner. You can't do that when you're married. I subscribed to recipe websites, had food magazine subscriptions, if I was home in time to make dinner, I made elaborate dinners. You can't really do that when you're just cooking for yourself. I mean, you can, but if you make lasagna, you are eating lasagna for a week, and no one likes lasagna that much, not even Garfield.
I guess my point is, you just learn as you go and do what makes you happy. I am so far removed from the thought of dating, which is good, since I'm not officially divorced, but I honestly cannot even imagine a scenario where I want to date. I hate dating, and people, not just men, are so stupid, and I've reached an age where my tolerance is on the low level, I just don't know how that will work. I have a lot of respect for people who have found a life-long happiness in their second or subsequent marriages. I have assumed the role of cranky bitch who finds every aspect of romance/love/intimacy to be a fallacy. But other than that, I feel just fine. The 2/$10 Rex Goliath wine special at Winn-Dixie is my personal hero.
I find myself with a mixture of emotions. I'm sad that my marriage didn't work out, but I also feel a rush of relief at not having to feel responsible for another person's well-being and happiness. Don't get me wrong, I still love my husband and care what happens to him and worry about his health, but it's oddly liberating to no longer have a day-to-day connection or stress about how to get back to that daily connection when things are not looking so good.
I will say this: I no longer have to worry about snoring, which I do...loudly. Sure, it makes my throat feel like shredded meat every morning, but I don't have to be concerned that I kept someone awake. Conversely, I don't have to do a target search for earplugs to keep from hearing someone else snore, and I can thrash around and hog the bed and sleep however makes me comfortable. Apparently, I've been told I did that anyway during my marriage, at times screaming with nightmares and once slapping my husband in the face in my sleep...Eh...it all worked out in the end, and I promise I have no recollection of any of these things, and I'll swear on a Bible if you push the issue.
Another sort of perk of living alone: I can make meals at my whims and buy the groceries I like. I'm not discounting the compromise you go through when living with a partner/spouse, but one night, I seriously had a banana, some Havarti cheese, and peanut butter for dinner. You can't do that when you're married. I subscribed to recipe websites, had food magazine subscriptions, if I was home in time to make dinner, I made elaborate dinners. You can't really do that when you're just cooking for yourself. I mean, you can, but if you make lasagna, you are eating lasagna for a week, and no one likes lasagna that much, not even Garfield.
I guess my point is, you just learn as you go and do what makes you happy. I am so far removed from the thought of dating, which is good, since I'm not officially divorced, but I honestly cannot even imagine a scenario where I want to date. I hate dating, and people, not just men, are so stupid, and I've reached an age where my tolerance is on the low level, I just don't know how that will work. I have a lot of respect for people who have found a life-long happiness in their second or subsequent marriages. I have assumed the role of cranky bitch who finds every aspect of romance/love/intimacy to be a fallacy. But other than that, I feel just fine. The 2/$10 Rex Goliath wine special at Winn-Dixie is my personal hero.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The Hazel Principle
My grandmother was what you would call "a pistol." She would send food back at will, terrorizing wait staff, sales people, store clerks, etc... you could pretty much name it. I would sometime cringe in a restaurant with her, because you could either get her completely charming personality or you could get the Diva. As a 20-something-year-old, I came to accept this as "Old Lady Syndrome." By the time I was 22, my grandmother was in her late 70s/early 80s. However, as this behavior started to worsen, I realized she had been this way my whole life, actually. After comprehending this, embarrassments aside in my pre-teen years, I am starting to embrace what I am deeming "The Hazel Principle."
I informed my mom of this earlier tonight. It essentially means that I'm removing whatever filter I had in place before and replacing it with a cranky, surly alternative. For instance, I thought Triple A would be a good idea, considering I have previously driven cars until they have fallen apart, and I'm suddenly missing a husband and/or a man type, as of late. And I will reiterate that it is a good idea, well worth the money considering what Triple A does, although I fear I have nearly worn out my 4 per year coverage.
How.....freaking ever....I scheduled an on-line pick-up at 5:30 p.m. today. After being told my pick-up will be between 5:30 and 5:45, I race there like a mad woman, and without going through specifics which point to their possibly incompetent dispatchers, my tow commenced at 7 p.m., a hour and a half later than it was supposed to be.
However, I did not have to pay for a tow through all this horseshit, so Triple A is worth every cent, as far I'm concerned.
After going through massive separation and now, apparently divorce, I am a bit in a fog. You might call it denial, but it's not. I think the true horrible nature of divorce for people not addicted to meth or having other external issues, is just slogging through all those nitpicky things that you don't think about until you have to.
I won't lie; I still love my husband, and I'm pretty certain he loves me, but timing can sometimes be a giant key that can either unlock things or switch them up in a way that leaves you at fate's mercy.
In the meantime, I am treading above toxic car water and trying to find a reasonable and affordable new-ish car. Have I mentioned I hate cars? No? Cars are the Debil.......Anyone have a 2007 or newer really awesome car they want to sell me, with financing? That would make my year. I've also decided, even though I don't feel pitiful, I'm going to start playing the Divorce card. I have to teach myself to cry on cue, though.
I informed my mom of this earlier tonight. It essentially means that I'm removing whatever filter I had in place before and replacing it with a cranky, surly alternative. For instance, I thought Triple A would be a good idea, considering I have previously driven cars until they have fallen apart, and I'm suddenly missing a husband and/or a man type, as of late. And I will reiterate that it is a good idea, well worth the money considering what Triple A does, although I fear I have nearly worn out my 4 per year coverage.
How.....freaking ever....I scheduled an on-line pick-up at 5:30 p.m. today. After being told my pick-up will be between 5:30 and 5:45, I race there like a mad woman, and without going through specifics which point to their possibly incompetent dispatchers, my tow commenced at 7 p.m., a hour and a half later than it was supposed to be.
However, I did not have to pay for a tow through all this horseshit, so Triple A is worth every cent, as far I'm concerned.
After going through massive separation and now, apparently divorce, I am a bit in a fog. You might call it denial, but it's not. I think the true horrible nature of divorce for people not addicted to meth or having other external issues, is just slogging through all those nitpicky things that you don't think about until you have to.
I won't lie; I still love my husband, and I'm pretty certain he loves me, but timing can sometimes be a giant key that can either unlock things or switch them up in a way that leaves you at fate's mercy.
In the meantime, I am treading above toxic car water and trying to find a reasonable and affordable new-ish car. Have I mentioned I hate cars? No? Cars are the Debil.......Anyone have a 2007 or newer really awesome car they want to sell me, with financing? That would make my year. I've also decided, even though I don't feel pitiful, I'm going to start playing the Divorce card. I have to teach myself to cry on cue, though.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
D-I-V-O-R-C-E = Clarity?
As my five or so loyal blog followers may know, I've been separated from my husband since October. I haven't posted much on Facebook or been particularly vocal via social media about it, because I do think that some things should stay fairly private. I still think that, but because writing is extremely cathartic for me, I've chosen to write about it here.
We were trying to "work on" our relationship, but because of timing, finances, personalities, and a host of issues that I may not even completely understand, we have mutually decided to get divorced. I'm not the first person to get divorced, I realize I'm not re-inventing the wheel here, but obviously to me, this is innately personal and, I'll be honest, kind of devastating. I even hate the word, "divorce." It's always sounded to me like the word "slice," which makes sense, because at times, it feels like you're being sliced in half, or part of you is being dissected.
My brother is divorced, but as far as role-model marriages go, my parents were married almost 40 years when my dad died (whether they should have been or not is another story), and my grandparents were married almost 60 years when my grandfather died. I have plenty of friends that come from divorced households, and for that matter, I have plenty of divorced friends. However, I had this misguided notion, "That won't be me."
Here's the stuff no one wants to tell you when you get married: There's literally no way to safeguard your marriage from divorce. You can have all the love in the world, you can be as happy as you ever thought you were capable; it doesn't matter. There are two personalities in a marriage, and as much as you may want to try, you can't control your partner's actions or thoughts. Of course I'm not saying all marriages are doomed to divorce, not by any means. I'm just saying, marriage is probably the biggest leap of faith anyone takes in their whole life. When you think about it, really, it's almost ridiculous. You're saying, "Yes, I'm a big, hot mess. I'd like to introduce another potentially big, hot mess into my life 24/7, legally binding, with no way out other than death and a thing that sounds like being sliced." It's craziness.
Do I wish this wasn't happening? Of course, but I also know that when two people aren't happy and the pieces aren't in place to make them happy, you can't force it. Fate and circumstance and life are funny things. I could choose, as my dark brain parts have drifted, to look at this as a failure or a horrible chapter in my life, or I could, and will choose, to take it and learn from it and use it as a positive experience to propel my life from here forward.
I get to figure myself out and do what makes me, just me, happy, and not worry about another person's feelings or expectations. I have a job that I love, friends that are extremely supportive, and a family that is there for me. I have no business feeling sorry for myself, and I'm not going to (except when I'm sad or have PMS). Anything can happen, and I hope it does. That's what makes up this insane thing we call life.
We were trying to "work on" our relationship, but because of timing, finances, personalities, and a host of issues that I may not even completely understand, we have mutually decided to get divorced. I'm not the first person to get divorced, I realize I'm not re-inventing the wheel here, but obviously to me, this is innately personal and, I'll be honest, kind of devastating. I even hate the word, "divorce." It's always sounded to me like the word "slice," which makes sense, because at times, it feels like you're being sliced in half, or part of you is being dissected.
My brother is divorced, but as far as role-model marriages go, my parents were married almost 40 years when my dad died (whether they should have been or not is another story), and my grandparents were married almost 60 years when my grandfather died. I have plenty of friends that come from divorced households, and for that matter, I have plenty of divorced friends. However, I had this misguided notion, "That won't be me."
Here's the stuff no one wants to tell you when you get married: There's literally no way to safeguard your marriage from divorce. You can have all the love in the world, you can be as happy as you ever thought you were capable; it doesn't matter. There are two personalities in a marriage, and as much as you may want to try, you can't control your partner's actions or thoughts. Of course I'm not saying all marriages are doomed to divorce, not by any means. I'm just saying, marriage is probably the biggest leap of faith anyone takes in their whole life. When you think about it, really, it's almost ridiculous. You're saying, "Yes, I'm a big, hot mess. I'd like to introduce another potentially big, hot mess into my life 24/7, legally binding, with no way out other than death and a thing that sounds like being sliced." It's craziness.
Do I wish this wasn't happening? Of course, but I also know that when two people aren't happy and the pieces aren't in place to make them happy, you can't force it. Fate and circumstance and life are funny things. I could choose, as my dark brain parts have drifted, to look at this as a failure or a horrible chapter in my life, or I could, and will choose, to take it and learn from it and use it as a positive experience to propel my life from here forward.
I get to figure myself out and do what makes me, just me, happy, and not worry about another person's feelings or expectations. I have a job that I love, friends that are extremely supportive, and a family that is there for me. I have no business feeling sorry for myself, and I'm not going to (except when I'm sad or have PMS). Anything can happen, and I hope it does. That's what makes up this insane thing we call life.
Thursday, May 09, 2013
I'm mad as hell, but I'll probably take it some more
Do you realize how much crap we put up with on a daily basis? It's sad, really. From the rude server to the idiot soccer mom in the Cadillac Escalade who nearly kills you while talking on a cell phone, it's ridiculous. I am so over cell phones in the car. Every day on my morning and evening commutes, I realize I am the only one not on my cell phone. I'm not trying to prove any kind of point by abstaining from cell phone usage in the car; I'll do in emergency cases or long, highway-type trips. I just don't get why we have to be connected 24/7.
No one listens/sings to the radio anymore, but me, apparently. How sad. I only have about a 20-minute morning commute/35ish afternoon, but that is time for me to listen to NPR/Adele/Frank Sinatra/Les Mis soundtrack. That's "me" time. Nobody has that anymore. I realized because of my insanely annoying phone, that even while I'm sleeping, it makes noises to let me know about Facebook notifications or Words with Friends (a game for smart people) notifications. Technology is permeating my sleep.
When I was younger, high school-age, I was given two hours of phone time a day. In retrospect, that's actually a lot, but I had about five people, including boyfriends, with whom I had to divvy that time. I thought it was extremely oppressive, but this was when I was using a Swatch phone for my calls, so I might not have the best perspective on the matter.
We got Nintendo when I was about 11 or so. I remember waking my sister up in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve after using my Barbie flashlight to inspect the goods. I literally whisper-screamed, "We got Nintendo! We got Nintendo!" That is some small potatoes these days. My niece has an iPad Touch...is that a thing...iPod Touch? Hell, I don't know, but it does way cooler stuff than Nintendo ever did, other than Super Mario Brothers.
Between Facebook and the articles I choose to read on slate.com or msn.com, etc...the outlandish politics are getting to me. I admit I don't understand the p's and q's of this Benghazi issue, but when I hear the words "impeachment" being bandied about, and we're still in countries Bush sent us to based on NO proof whatsoever, I have to question what people are thinking these days. Yes, I voted for Obama his first term, not the second. I couldn't do it in good conscience, but I take extreme issue with every single thing that's gone wrong in the country since before he took office being his fault.
I also take issue with blanket characterizations of liberals or Democrats or moderates or whatever I am. In fact, you can't pigeonhole me. Moreover, you actually can't really pigeonhole most of the country. That's where Fox News and the like go wrong. I keep hearing about the "liberal media," and I am not so blindsided by anything that I wouldn't recognize it. To this day, the only ridiculously biased network I'm aware of is Fox News.
So, in conclusion, I'm just pissed. I have this sort of cranky, Pigpen-esque cloud hanging over me, because more and more, things are just irritating the hell out of me. This sort of flamboyant black man is the one to rescue these women from Ohio being kept captive for 10 years+, and the media is racist for airing his unvarnished bytes. Hi, this is the South. You've been finding the most toothless, country-sounding morons to interview about a tornado for decades. I think it's fine if a decidedly colorful African-American person is shown to be helpful with a touch of flair. I've seen far more people support the fact that he turned down any reward than denigrate his character. We need to get the hell over ourselves, once and for all.
No one listens/sings to the radio anymore, but me, apparently. How sad. I only have about a 20-minute morning commute/35ish afternoon, but that is time for me to listen to NPR/Adele/Frank Sinatra/Les Mis soundtrack. That's "me" time. Nobody has that anymore. I realized because of my insanely annoying phone, that even while I'm sleeping, it makes noises to let me know about Facebook notifications or Words with Friends (a game for smart people) notifications. Technology is permeating my sleep.
When I was younger, high school-age, I was given two hours of phone time a day. In retrospect, that's actually a lot, but I had about five people, including boyfriends, with whom I had to divvy that time. I thought it was extremely oppressive, but this was when I was using a Swatch phone for my calls, so I might not have the best perspective on the matter.
We got Nintendo when I was about 11 or so. I remember waking my sister up in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve after using my Barbie flashlight to inspect the goods. I literally whisper-screamed, "We got Nintendo! We got Nintendo!" That is some small potatoes these days. My niece has an iPad Touch...is that a thing...iPod Touch? Hell, I don't know, but it does way cooler stuff than Nintendo ever did, other than Super Mario Brothers.
Between Facebook and the articles I choose to read on slate.com or msn.com, etc...the outlandish politics are getting to me. I admit I don't understand the p's and q's of this Benghazi issue, but when I hear the words "impeachment" being bandied about, and we're still in countries Bush sent us to based on NO proof whatsoever, I have to question what people are thinking these days. Yes, I voted for Obama his first term, not the second. I couldn't do it in good conscience, but I take extreme issue with every single thing that's gone wrong in the country since before he took office being his fault.
I also take issue with blanket characterizations of liberals or Democrats or moderates or whatever I am. In fact, you can't pigeonhole me. Moreover, you actually can't really pigeonhole most of the country. That's where Fox News and the like go wrong. I keep hearing about the "liberal media," and I am not so blindsided by anything that I wouldn't recognize it. To this day, the only ridiculously biased network I'm aware of is Fox News.
So, in conclusion, I'm just pissed. I have this sort of cranky, Pigpen-esque cloud hanging over me, because more and more, things are just irritating the hell out of me. This sort of flamboyant black man is the one to rescue these women from Ohio being kept captive for 10 years+, and the media is racist for airing his unvarnished bytes. Hi, this is the South. You've been finding the most toothless, country-sounding morons to interview about a tornado for decades. I think it's fine if a decidedly colorful African-American person is shown to be helpful with a touch of flair. I've seen far more people support the fact that he turned down any reward than denigrate his character. We need to get the hell over ourselves, once and for all.
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