So, I was trying to be all healthy and pro-active, and I bought two books to help me deal with and process my divorce. The first one has already pissed me off to the point that I threw it and am trying to decide if I want to resume it or not. I don't like all this tree-hugging "step" business ...steps in divorce coping, we're climbing a mountain, blah, blah, blah. Can't we mention the "bottle of wine" step and the "not going outdoors" step. These are the ones with which I'm familiar.
I'm not saying that these books may not be eventually be a little more helpful, and it may be that I have to take bits and pieces from each one to use for my situation. I guess it seems like most of these books paint the reader into a corner of patheticism (yep, it's a word..my word), and I don't feel pathetic. I think I did before, but I'm past that feeling. Now, I'm just sort of simultaneously angry/emboldened.
If I wanted to, I'd get a tattoo...but I don't want to. What I want to do is ....
1. Start taking guitar lessons again -- That cranky guy in Philadelphia with no air conditioning will not deter me from doing something I've always wanted to do. I have the guitar, just need to find a teacher.
2. Buy a new car with payments I can handle, that I VOW to keep clean and up-to-date on maintenance, that won't cause me to be broken down on the side of any road. But, once again, thank GOD for Triple A and my honest buddies at Gardendale Express Oil. These guys have checked tire pressure, fluids, and fixed my windshield wipers for free.
3. Cooking better and getting off my ass to be and feel healthier. I have adopted a "I can do what I want" philosophy since moving ahead with divorce plans. It doesn't feel bad, I have to say, but my pants are a little tight, since I decided pizza and anything I felt like eating were tenets of this philosophy. Sadly, I'm not 20 anymore, so I can't just eat whatever I want and expect no consequences, which brings me to....
4. I don't want to be 35 and divorced...unless Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox show up with a Delorian and a flux capacitor, I realize this is not possible, but this is the angry part of my personality right now. I want children, desperately...well, the one...I want one child.
So, here I am, 35 years old, about to be divorced, and childless. I do not want to be in a hurry to date, much less get married again, so we're looking at maybe 38-ish before I could be married again, and that's on the outside spectrum with my attitude these days. I wouldn't want to rush right into having children, so then we're looking at maybe 40. I know you can do that, and I know that people do that, but that whole biological issue makes me want to have a little talk with Eve in the Garden of Eden, and say, "Really? You had the eat the apple? You have no idea what you're doing to your fellow females."
For now, I am going to read novels and leave the self-help books in my sock drawer where they can't cause any harm until I'm ready to face the cheesy steps up the mountain again. Also, this is new, my mother calls me every day, and if I don't answer once or twice, she then decides I'm dead or in jail and leaves me the horrible messages "you need to call me; where are you? I'm worried. Are you in a ditch?" Ch-ch-ch-anges....
No comments:
Post a Comment