Where do I find myself again? I don't know where I was lost.

I'm pretty mad. And by mad, I mean, I get really mad, and then I cry, which makes me more mad. I'm going through some personal stuff I'm not comfortable broadcasting, but I would like to know where the hell I went. Anyone that knows me knows I'm not a doormat or a meek or submissive person, but you find yourself in situations where your base instincts, however strong or right they may be, are not the appropriate reaction for the situation...so you wait....

Did I mention I'm the least patient human being on the planet? If I have to stand in line or wait, I become physically agitated, like a person with Tourette's or Asperger's. Hell, maybe I should be checked on some kind of scale, because it physically pains me and causes inappropriate things to fall out of my face if I have to wait. I always appreciated the fast pace of Pennsylvania. Even if they were complete derelicts, they knew how to drive quickly to get to where they had to go. I appreciate having a purpose.

Scan to now: I feel like I have no purpose. I'm unemployed, as actively seeking a job as possible, I can't get my stupid tire or brakes fixed until I feel like I have a steady income, and my husband and I are living apart....indefinitely. I am 36, I want a baby, but I'm unemployed with no savings and possibly no husband. I don't recognize this life. I tried to strategically plan my life, but that's a complete waste of time. You can't plan any of the major things in life. So, I thought when I met a person who literally swept me off my feet, that I finally understood my dad's tripe about "knowing when you found the one."

I take issue with love stories and romantic movies, because I think they should go back 5, 10 years later and reassess their handiwork. Oh, the people who were so in love now want to strangle each other in their sleep. Or one person changes, without a heads up to the other person, so you turn into a doormat, wishing that things reverted to the way they were.

I have no answers. I only have questions and frustrations, and no one can answer them or fix anything but me. But I am having an existential crisis at the moment, and I can't talk to my dad, who might have some kind of answer. I can only get up each day and breathe in and out and hope that the pain and disillusionment gets a little better. I'm not saying my marriage is over, but I never thought I'd be in this position about it. Marriage is HARD, and I say this, because I don't think that's advertised enough. It's not all picket fences and babies and skipping in the fields. And if this doesn't work out, I have no interest in another. I can't adopt cats, because I"m allergic, but maybe I'll collect stamps and become the foremost expert in television. I don't know. But I don't need this again. I love my husband more than anything, but if this much pain comes with that much love, you can have it.