Fashionably Challenged

Some people dress really, really well. I see these people, and I think, 
"Wow, they look nice," and then I go to my closet and grab the first 
thing I see and jeans. I would wear jeans every single day of my life if 
I could. If I could wear jeans to church and not be looked at like "Oh, 
bless her heart, she just came from the trailer park," I would. If I 
could wear jeans to a job interview, I would. In fact, I should. It was 
either Emerson or Thoreau who said something to the effect of "Beware of an enterprise that requires a wearer of new clothes, rather than a new 
wearer of clothes."

Gaining weight doesn't really help this matter much. I refuse to go buy 
clothes b/c I AM going to lose weight and then I do have a lot more 
options, because I did care about clothes when I dropped down to a size 
8. Maybe this is the problem. I think everything makes me look like 
Orca's mom, so I choose to wear like the same 5 shirts..I wish it was 
the future, where everyone just wears that shiny, silver suit, and I 
could be done with it. That seems so much simpler.

Except for shoes, we can't wear the same shoes. Oh, how I love shoes. If 
you gave me $1,000 to spend on apparel, I would probably buy all shoes 
and jewelry. You can't gain weight and outgrow them. Well, I guess you could gain weight in your feet or neck, but that's just gross. I 
wouldn't do that. 

Also, I don't get hats. I think hats rock, but when I wear a baseball 
cap, I look like Bret Michaels, and when I wear any other kind of hat, I 
pretty much look like a drag queen. Also, I think I have a giant head 
and wearing a hat seems to create a beacon to say, "Hey, look at my 
giant head! You can worship it if you like." Seriously, I told Smitty 
the other night that I worried about when we have a child, if the baby 
will have my giant water baby head and break my vajayay or I'll have to 
have a C-section and then I'll have that weird reaction to anesthesia 
that I had with my gall bladder and I'll have a baby, and I won't be 
able to poop. And he said, "These are the things that go through your 
head, really, they are, aren't they?" And I pretty much said, "Yep, all 
the time, at any given time of the day or night. Wouldn't you be more 
surprised if they didn't go through my head, knowing me?" He just looked 
afraid, like it does most of the time when I peel away another layer to 
him. I'm like an Emily onion. Yah, I heard it, too.