This has been a stressful few days. I don't like to say that usually, because we all have stress and whining about it seems like a signal to put on my big girl panties, but I'm to the point that I need to say it. My mother had total knee replacement surgery on Monday. She's fine, well she'd be fine if she wasn't periodically looped out of her gourd on the pain pump and anesthesia, but she will eventually be okay. A few things happened as a result of her surgery:
1. I realized I could make a possible fortune recording post-anesthesia patients in their incoherent ramblings. My mom asked," How much money did I get for her leg," when I told her to pull up her gown in the front, she said, "But then they won't know how sexy I am," we argued repeatedly about whether or not she had actually had her surgery, and even though I showed her the gauze around her leg, indicated that we were in a hospital room, and told her I'd met her doctor, she wouldn't believe me until the nurse confirmed it. She also informed me that "I wasn't a doctor," when I told her she couldn't just get up and walk, but then later told me that I should be a nurse. That's a perfect indication of how whacked out she was.
2. I don't know what hospitals are thinking with the whole "chair bed" situation when someone is sleeping with the patient at night. It is literally Satan's recliner. It's vinyl, so you stick to it, it doesn't give, so your back will resemble George Burns in the morning, and you have to give them a damn kidney to even get a pillow. I've always said I could sleep anywhere, and I did, barring the hourly conversations with my mom "No, you can't get up; go back to sleep," but I felt like I had been in a fold-able taco for most of the night.
3. Some people suck in emergency/care-taker situations. They just do. I have an odd talent of being a flake about 80% of the time, but truly excelling at medical, emergency, etc...issues. I fed my mom, I repeated the same things over and over, I saw her butt more times than I care to count, but I felt good about it, because she's my Mama. I don't want her to suffer or be helpless or upset, even if she drives me around the bend sometimes, she's the only mother I have, and I love her and want her to be around for a long time. My sister is a good care-taker, too. She has kids, so she's probably better than me, but we are helpful people in these situations.
I will say this, because it's my blog, and I don't really give a flip who knows this, because as far as I'm concerned, denial and secrecy are a bunch of bullshit, my brother is a drug addict. He is addicted to prescription pain medication to the point that he can barely function. My sister and I try to maintain a civil relationship to keep the peace in the family, but I'm done with that. I don't make excuses for myself, and I'm not doing it for anyone else anymore. Addiction runs in our family, but that is no excuse at all. I've been in dark places in my life before, and I pulled myself out of them. I have no respect or sympathy for someone who has been handed everything on a silver plate his whole life, and has never taken responsibility for his own actions. For all I know, my brother could be dead in 5 years, and that makes me sad for the effect it would have on my mother and grandmother, but for me, it would almost be a relief. If that makes me a bad person, I don't care. I've had 34 years to witness the most selfish behavior a person can exhibit, and I'm done.
4. I can sometimes be a glass-empty person. If you know me well, you probably think I'm funny and dry and optimistic. At the heart of myself, I am optimistic, but my mind tends to go to the negative pretty fast. When the doctor ordered a standard pneumonia test for my mom, I immediately thought that she would have pneumonia and die from it, and I started crying. Granted, I had 4 hours of sleep and drove from Tuscaloosa to Albertville, but I started to think that I wouldn't have any parents anymore at 34, and my dad's death was devastating, but what would I do without my mom, too?
She's fine, no pneumonia, and I cried at that news, too. I want to have a better relationship with her. She sacrificed a lot for us as children and worked her ass off to better our family, and she deserves to enjoy her life. As sufficiently creeped out by her dating as I am, she deserves someone to appreciate her and show her a fun time.
I guess the majority of my realizations have been that life is too short to waste time on guilt and enabling and lost causes. I want to enjoy the love I feel for both my families, natural and in-lawed, and I want to strengthen those ties. I don't want to waste any more time being told to forgive a person who doesn't warrant it or feeling guilty for reasons related to that. I'm 34 years old, and I don't need to be told how to feel or act.
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