No one really likes to hear about people being sick. Other than, "Oh my God, you have cancer?" and "You broke your ankle by tripping over a handicapped ramp?" (I did, indeed...a good story and a worthy explanation of why I don't wear any manner of platform shoes or spiky heels) I love my mother, but when I was old enough to understand what "feeling bad" meant...a. she was going through menopause ( I was a change of life baby), hurt for no apparent reason, and cried at me, like projectile crying, for my being born.... and b. my dad took great pride in taking care of us when we were sick. He brought us juice, soup, took our temperatures, gave the OK for us to nap if we felt like crap, and I follow this principle today whether I feel like crap or not...naps cure a great deal of things. Also, Smitty doesn't understand why I equate fever with grave illness...I thought everyone had mercury thermometers that you checked thrice daily when you were sick...apparently, I was mistaken.
I want to explain this: I am allergic to 24 of the 25 things for which allergists test you. I cannot use soap, body wash, gel, etc...or anything with perfume. I use Dove Unscented soap, which almost makes me cry, because I used to be a HUGE fan of all manner of scented body wash. I was a Bath/Body Works junkie, which I now pour into shampoo/conditioner because thus far, there has been no link between allergies and my hair products. I currently own 6 shampoos and 5 conditioners, just in my shower...I have a back-up 2 shampoos and 3 conditioners as well. It's sick..I'm the same way with lip balm, because so far, I'm not allergic to any lip balm, so I have like 7 back-ups.
My point is, and I require no self-pity whatsoever, but if you don't have these bizarre anomalies, you couldn't possibly understand. I, personally, would've called myself the "snotty kid on the playground," except I wasn't...at ALL, until I moved to Birmingham and enveloped their extreme brand of pollution. So, I take Allegra every day, and I take Nasonex every day, and I take 2 allergy shots every 5 days, and even doing all that, because my septum, the bone that separates your nasal cavities, is shaped like a question mark, I can still get sick as a dog in the middle of spring, summer, fall, or winter, it doesn't matter.
And, oh my God, how I try to be positive about it. I do not want to be a sickly person, but here's what happened recently...I went outside...just walked outside to look at the dogs, just to look, because the last time I played with them, because I love them and want to pet them, an immediate hive patch formed on my chest, and then my face got hot, and when I say hot, I mean, I looked in the mirror and my face looked and felt like I had spent an entire day on the beach with no SPF, and it didn't go away until I went to the doctor and had two shots and 2 prescriptions written for possible allergy and for possible rosacea.
So, I miss work for a few days because my face is the color of a cherry tomato, plus swollen to about its size + 1/4, which looks vaguely like Eric Stolz from "Mask." And when you try to explain to normal people who have normal immune systems and don't understand this sort of thing, I feel like they think I'm just kinda making stuff up. Look, until 6 years or so ago, I was never, ever like this. My only suggestion is that I am far too delicate for pollution...that's what triggered it. It's been a complete nightmare since I moved here...I blame it on marriage (not really...I fully blame it on Alabama, specifically Birmingham and Alabama fans)
But, look. I am completely serious. I can walk outside and have a weird hive thing happen. I can come into contact with chemicals and have a weird hive thing happen. I can have a doctor who won't listen to me prescribe a medication which will not only cause a weird hive thing, but will also cause a full facial swollen thing. I am not lazy, I want to work, I want to do work that is even with my level of intelligence, in fact, I am a remarkably hard worker with little tolerance for stupidity, but it seems sometimes that I am an island...like John Donne or Jon Bon Jovi...take your pick.
I would just like to say that Smitty and I appreciate your prayers and good thoughts to fling us upon the universe wherever He may find us useful, and I feel for one or more of us, that ship has sailed. I just don't think life should be this hard. And I know, before you match your strife to mine, which I also find a bit distasteful, we all have hardships. We all have physical issues and emotional issues and et cetera, et cetera, but I find the best thing we can do when confronted with others' issues is convey empathy, rather than engage in a one-up-man-ship with one another.
I will be the first to admit how I am wildly self-involved, but when it comes to those I care about, I will listen to you all day long, and I will not once say, "Oh, you went through that? You don't even know..listen to this...," because that makes things only about you and it belittles the feelings of those you claim to care about. I grew up with this, and if I ever display this behavior, you have my personal permission to call me on it. Life is not about any one person, and if you go through it only caring about yourself and your experiences, you've pretty much succeeded at only moving your purposes forward in life.
As a sickly, snotty allergic, ridiculous person, I don't ask at all, even remotely, for special treatment. I just ask that you understand or try to understand that I'm not just making shit up, I get sick easily, and I work and function through 75% of that, but the other portion, is where I feel like Death is daring me to get up in the morning because I have a 101 fever or because, recently, my face looked like Elephant Tomato Girl..I'm thinking of having T-shirts made. I find it ridiculous no one can say definitively that you're allergic to something or you have a freaky(new) incessant skin condition. I don't feel that bad in admitting none of this concerned me terribly until it got to my face. As I sit here, I didn't wear make-up to work today, my face feels like it's on fire, and if you hold your hand an inch away, you'll get a contact sunburn.
I do not at all ask for self-pity. I'm not dying, there is nothing life-threatening wrong with me, but I frequently feel awful. I try to make plans in advance, and the day of, I feel horrible, and I don't want to be a complete drag, so I cancel plans. Under NO circumstances, do I want to talk about what's wrong with me, so I make stuff up, which means if you really like me, we haven't hung out in forever. But no more....my new little pledge to myself is to engage with more people and at least let them know that it's not them....it's genuinely me..but I will change that...
"Smitty is bullying me into bed; he took away my wine. That was unnecessary.
If you're my friend, you know that I come from a place of love. I can't possibly police from where your love comes. If you're feeling guilty, you're free to speak to me about this hole I know holds you captive. Don't threaten me. I've cut your co-dependence off before, and I won't hesitate to do it again. You hold nothing over me, mother, ex-mother, and whatever you are now....severing this tie does nothing for your current position. Never forget that."
me, 2011
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