The polar opposite of raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

Until recently, I thought the line from that song was "whispers on kittens," which obviously makes no sense, but that's how I heard it. I could start an entirely new blog called "Those are not the lyrics I heard," but it would get redundant after a while.

After seeing two full-sized vans today with the windows blacked out, I started thinking of things that give me the creeps. Some of them are fairly transparent, and some of them go a little further into the joy that is me:

1. See above. Any full-sized van that doesn't have a logo on the side is creepy. If it doesn't have windows, that's doubly so. I guess I will always bring to mind the scene in "Silence of the Lambs" where Buffalo Bill kidnaps the girl and slings her into a van. However, I guess it's more likely now they're using the back for a moveable meth lab. Still, ew.

2. My fingernails or hearing anyone else's fingernails scrape and scratch on denim. You can put 1,000 chalkboards in front of me, and it doesn't cause chills to go up my spine as much as fingernails scraping on denim. I don't know if I was a seamstress in a former life or what, but there you go.

3. Married couples who call each other any variation of Mama and Daddy. If you do it when talking to your kids, fine, but if you're the only people there, and you say "Daddy, bring me a soda," you're in banjo, Toddlers and Tiaras territory.

4. People with wildly outdated hairstyles. I used to work with a woman who had a Dorothy Hamill haircut, like forever. I've seen pictures. Why use that particular icon to hitch your wagon to? It was a bad haircut even in the 70s. I've seen some people lately with these huge, poufy Golden Girls hairstyles. Look, I thank you for being a friend and adore those ladies as much as anyone, but if you're under 80, you should not have that hairstyle.

5. Anything on TV that involves showing surgery, blood, cutting of organs where you hear that squishy noise, all of that grosses me out to no end. I will either turn completely away or look through my fingers, which doesn't really help. I did that when I watched "Hostel" at the theater, and my gentleman caller at the time kept trying to pry my hands away from my eyes until I punched him in the stomach. Everyone in front of us laughed. I hate it when "Grey's Anatomy" shows really graphic surgery, and "Nip/Tuck" was ridiculous about it. That's not necessary.

6. Kids acting or dressing inappropriately. First of all, the clothes for younger girls say things like "Juicy," "Naughty," "Bad Girl," really? For 10 year olds? Is Paris Hilton the shopper for your department store. If I were 16 and wearing a shirt that said any of that stuff, my dad would've made me change and probably burned the shirt. And low-rise jeans? Yah, 'cos that's what little girls should be doing, showing off their nonexistent asses. I don't know what people are thinking; I assume the target market is the Lohans or perhaps wardrobe selections post-Toddlers and Tiaras.

In connection with that, I saw a video last night of children, no older than 8, dirty dancing or grinding or whatever the cool term is these days...chubawubbin (I made that up), while adults laughed and recorded them. I honestly think there should be a mandatory IQ test before you're allowed to have or be around children.

7. Food with chunky or seedy consistencies. You will never see me eat a strawberry. When you chew them, those little seeds crunch in your teeth like you're eating bugs. Also, smoothies or milkshakes with chunks of fruit, be it peach, strawberry or raspberry. Again, there is the consistency of something that could be partially digested invading your ice cream or yogurt.

Garbanzo beans/chickpeas...again, not only do they look like little, shrunken heads, they have the consistency of something that was already eaten or needs to be given to a pet.

Sausage on pizza. When I was younger, I watched a "Nightmare on Elm Street" movie where the dream had Freddy in a malt shop. The doomed teenager watched him pull a pizza from behind the counter that had little sausages on it, but when they showed a close-up, the sausage turned into little heads of past victims screaming. He impaled one of them on his fingernail and ate it. I will never ingest a piece of sausage from a pizza again.