Black (or bluish) snake moan and other mishaps

I do not like the outdoors or most of the creatures that reside in it. Partially, it's because I'm allergic to most everything outside, and if I am outside when things are blooming, I will soon look like an itchy tomato. Also, it's because there are bugs, spiders (which are technically bugs, but deserve their own category), weird birds that fly lowly at my head, and all manner of slithering reptiles. I know lizards are really helpful, but when there was one in our bedroom, I trapped it in there with handy plastic bags from the grocery store stuffed under the door and called Smitty saying "There is a lizard in the bedroom. I'm not coming home until it's gone, and I want photographic proof." He sent me a picture with the little bugger hanging out on the front porch.

So, the reason I preface the blog this way, is that last night, when I headed, skipping and singing show tunes to get into my car and leave work, there was a strange object near my front left tire. I thought it was a stick, but when I moved closer to the car, it moved. There was a bluish, black small, yes, but who cares!? snake hanging out by my front wheel. I was amazingly calm, I think I said, "Oh, crap, no, no, no, not getting in the car," and stepped back. I also made my alarm do the weird, chirpy bird noise it does when it re-locks, and that make Senor Snake-y Pants slither underneath the front of my car. That is where I got a bit panicky. As long as I could see it and it looked docile, it was sort of okay.

At this point, the girl parked next to me came outside and must've heard me muttering "snake, snake, snake" in the Rain Man-esque manner I was saying it at the point. We both decided we were not getting in our cars until we knew our little spineless pal was gone. Another co-worker came out to make sure our feet would not get attacked a la "Snakes on a Plane" style so we could get in our cars. I leapt into my car with half a cup of water that spilled all over me and the seat, but I got away safely.

However, I drove home batting at myself like a detoxing crackhead because I kept feeling stuff crawling on me. I thought I heard noises in the car, so I kept turning the interior light on, which is actually not at all a good idea driving down Hwy 280. Also, my car is so reprehensibly disgusting, he could've crawled in there and had a cocktail party. Then, I imagined a scenario that while we were debating about getting in the car, it crawled up into whatever metal thingie surrounds the tire, and he was making a little, tiny, snake-sized blueprint to figure out how to crawl into my vent or glove compartment. Smitty says I have a ridiculous imagination. And by ridiculous, I know he means whimsical and delightful to experience.

Now, I see snakes everywhere I go....not literally, of course, but in my mind's eye, there are creepy, little vipers waiting on me in our driveway, in the parking lot. I went to my car Ninja-style, or as Ninja as I am capable, eyes darting around, looking for predators, and deeming everything okay after almost getting on the ground, got into my car. Who's dramatic? I don't know what that means.

I leave you with a little story that pretty much encompasses everything I feel about snakes, snakes as pets, snakes as dinner companions, snakes as chess opponents, etc....:

The Little Boy and The Rattlesnake

The little boy was walking down a path and he came across a rattlesnake. The rattlesnake was getting old. He asked, "Please little boy, can you take me to the top of the mountain? I hope to see the sunset one last time before I die." The little boy answered "No Mr. Rattlesnake. If I pick you up, you'll bite me and I'll die." The rattlesnake said, "No, I promise. I won't bite you. Just please take me up to the mountain." The little boy thought about it and finally picked up that rattlesnake and took it close to his chest and carried it up to the top of the mountain.

They sat there and watched the sunset together. It was so beautiful. Then after sunset the rattlesnake turned to the little boy and asked, "Can I go home now? I am tired, and I am old." The little boy picked up the rattlesnake and again took it to his chest and held it tightly and safely. He came all the way down the mountain holding the snake carefully and took it to his home to give him some food and a place to sleep. The next day the rattlesnake turned to the boy and asked, "Please little boy, will you take me back to my home now? It is time for me to leave this world, and I would like to be at my home now." The little boy felt he had been safe all this time and the snake had kept his word, so he would take it home as asked.

He carefully picked up the snake, took it close to his chest, and carried him back to the woods, to his home to die. Just before he laid the rattlesnake down, the rattlesnake turned and bit him in the chest. The little boy cried out and threw the snake upon the ground. "Mr. Snake, why did you do that? Now I will surely die!" The rattlesnake looked up at him and grinned, "You knew what I was when you picked me up."