Got your attention, didn't I? Sorry, I found a Ben Harper song on mix CD and his voice makes me happy. It's very soothing and kind of lulls you, which is maybe not the best driving selection, but filled me with joy nonetheless.
I have decided to blame my lack of weight loss on a thyroid problem. I'm only partially kidding. It occurred to me the other day since my mom has thyroid issues that it could be the reason I initially gained so much weight so fast, why I seem incapable of losing any weight despite a complete dietary renovation, and my ankles and feet will not stop swelling, along with a number of other symptoms involving lady problems that I won't delve into. I do have some shame.
So, whatever, I'll get that checked out, but speaking of shame, I realized something today. When you're very young and very old, you have no inner censor. Examples, when I was about 7 and we had the visiting preacher over to our house for lunch, and his wife asked my parents how they met, I replied, "In a bar," which was largely due to the fact that our maid let me watch "As the World Turns," and I assumed everyone met in a bar. My dad thought it was hilarious; my mom, not so much. I used to correct my nursery caregiver at church when she mispronounced a word while reading. That still drives me bonkers, but I try not to correct anyone I don't know that well, as not to make myself seem like a smart ass...they'll learn that soon enough.
On the flip side, my grandmother will say anything and everything that comes into her head. Example: We were at her house one day, DYING of heat exhaustion because even in the summer, her house is about 80 degrees, and she finally allowed us to turn on the window unit in the kitchen. I stood in front of it, crying because I finally didn't feel like I was about to keel over, and she walked past and said, "That thing's not working; it's just blowing out cool wind," and then I asked her what exactly functioning air conditioners did, and she realized what she had just said and wouldn't answer me. Also, she had a neighborhood cat that was sleeping on top of her car, which she didn't drive, and decided to call the local auto mechanic to ask "What is that stuff you can feed cats and it kills them?" I had to wrestle the phone away from her because in a town of 2000 people, if the preacher's cat, yes, I said preacher, turns up poisoned, and he lives two houses down, people might put two and two together.
The best thing that came out of that incident was that someone put a note on top of her windshield that read "I hear you need to get rid of a cat; I remember you had a similar problem with a tree. It seems like you should remedy it in the same manner." Back story briefly: Their neighbor had a tree which had a limb that partially hung over their property. Allegedly, (because my grandfather was awesome and I don't want to libel him) my grandfather sprinkled it with poison nightly for about a month until the entire tree died because the neighbor refused to cut the limb. I know that the note was her other neighbor having a laugh, but she put the note in a plastic bag, and you could only touch the bag, mind you, you couldn't even remove the note, with plastic gloves. She wanted to get a DNA sample from the police, but we dissuaded her against that, not to mention, I'm pretty sure in a town with like 4 cops, that wouldn't have been possible. And she was completely and totally serious, as she recently told me, "Emily, I have no sense of humor. Maybe that's why I didn't get along with your daddy." Fair enough, Mamaw, fair enough.
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