Just to give you an idea...

I hate when people blame their parents for their behavior or lots in life. Unless your childhood resembles the movie "Precious," that pisses me off. If your chief complaint is that your parents like your sibling better or you didn't get to take guitar lessons, you don't get to use your childhood as a crutch. Excuses along those lines make me angry.

Conversely, I do blame my parents and immediate family for my some of my completely aberrant behavior. I make no bones about it. In the way that all women turn into a version of their mothers and all men turn into a version of their fathers, some things you can't fight. Your family leaks into your subconscious whether you want them to or not....and so begins my tale...I'm going to give a brief description of distinguishing characteristics of various family members and say...I'm lucky I turned out as the muted whackjob you all know and love:

1. My grandmother (also known as Mamaw) -- God bless her, where do I start? When I was about 7 years old, we were riding back right after getting our hair cut. It was just after sunset, and it was foggy. She turned to me and said, "What would happen if we just dropped off into nothing?" I was like, "WHAT? What do you mean?" She says, "Well, people disappear all the time, we could just disappear into thin air and nobody would know. Do you ever think about that?" Umm..NO, at 7 years old, I did not think about that, but she did introduce the idea into my head, so I didn't sleep for about 2 days until I asked my dad about it, to which he said, "Don't listen to your damn grandmother."

Also, to this day, I do not get into a car without looking in the backseat, because every single time my sister and I came to her house in the town of Macon, Mississippi, with 2,500 people and almost no crime rate, even now, she would yell, "Check the backseat! Someone could be waiting back there to kill you!" I always used to think if there really were someone back there, they'd be like, "Damn you, old lady, you ruined my plan!" and then they'd slink away to hide in someone else's car..

2. My grandfather - He passed away 8 years ago this month, and his birthday would've been Monday, so I've been thinking of him lately. He was a writer and highly interested in politics..hmm...think he influenced me? And he had the most offbeat sense of humor and adventure, I'm not sure I can do it justice. One time, he was angry a neighbor's tree was dripping sap on his car and into their yard, so he poisoned the tree in the middle of the night. When it "mysteriously" died, the neighbor was baffled, but my grandfather was delighted. He never specifically voiced that deed to us, but he told my grandmother, which was like telling us anyway.

He once told me that reading different things I had written, specifically my newspaper column from college, was like "watching a parade go by." I still think it's the best compliment I've ever gotten, even having received compliments from published authors, magazine editors, PhD's and renowned photographers. When I was little, and my grandmother and mom went shopping or whatever, and I begged, begged, begged not to go (I abhor shopping), he would babysit me, and we would go on "adventures." We would walk to our church and "perform" our own sermons, picking out our favorite hymns, reading our favorite Bible verses. I didn't think about it until he died and I read a eulogy including that memory, that nobody else knew we did that, because it was our time together, precious time that we kept between us like co-conspirators.

3. My sister -- If not for my sister, I would be in a padded room somewhere, but we did not always get along...oh, no...I can remember having a pulling hair, slapping, sitting on each other fight when she was in college, which would make me at least 12 or 13, which frankly reflects more embarrassingly on her than me, but, nonetheless.

There's also the infamous peeing in her shampoo incident....the quick breakdown for those who don't know this story -- when she got married, she was the ultimate Bridezilla. She was living at home, and she used ALL of the hot water every morning when she got up, before I could take a shower. I asked her in what I thought was a pleasant tone if she could leave me some hot water, and she said, and she denies it to this day, but I swear she said it, "Emily, I know you're jealous, but this time is about me. So you just need to deal with that." So, I peed in her shampoo. I also put glue in her mascara, little bits of Doritos in her blush, and rubbed her toothbrush in the toilet, but it was the shampoo that was really the piece de resistance. Did I mention we get along really, really well now?? Seriously, she and I have the kind of bond you can only get by being surrounded by nutcakes most of our lives..

I can't detail my parents just at the moment...that would take a loooong time and more introspection than I feel like summoning right now...