I've Been a Bad, Bad Blogger

I used to be a good blogger. I updated regularly, I pored my little guts out metaphorically, and then I abandoned my blog because it was too hard. Nobody likes a quitter.

Since I last left you, I've been trying to find myself. Have I found succeeded? Sort of, but maybe only 75%. If you see the other 25%, send her my way. Or maybe not. Maybe it's an excellent weight loss plan.

I have developed the most maddening insomnia, which is starting to drive me a little 'round the bend. It does give me time to think of the craziest things possible, which then turn into ideas for my column or prompt me to restart this blog, so maybe it's not entirely bad, until the waking hallucinations start, and I think I'm Helen of Troy or Beyonce.

I genuinely don't understand it. I have never had trouble sleeping. 2015 hit, and my body has developed somniphobia. I don't know if that's a thing, but it is now. I just coined it. I'm tired all day, because I'm not sleeping properly, and as soon as I start even thinking about sleep, I get tense and anxious and mildly twitchy. Not cool. I've taken, Z-z-z-Quil, Benadryl, and Melatonin, and all that seems to happen is that I have dreams about aliens taking over the planet or being a Mafia boss (which was actually pretty cool).

Everyone keeps asking me what's wrong, as if I have secret pain to unlock, thereby making sleep magically occur. If that were the case, I wouldn't have slept for the latter part of 2012 and first part of 2013. I am unaware of any secret pain, except in my eyes, from LACK OF SLEEP. A couple of days ago, after about 5 hours of sleep the previous night, I started to feel vaguely high around lunchtime. Not high in a good way, but high in that paranoid, "they know," way. I'm too old for this shit. I need sleep.

As much as I adore subsisting on 9 cups of coffee a day and untold amounts of diet Mountain Dew, I would also like to retain my kidney function for as long as possible, too. It's a crazy notion, but one I'm fairly passionate about, and feeling like I'm in a waking dream for most of the day also sounds good in theory, but so does communism.

Serenity now!