I find it interesting that you have to take a test to get a driver's license or a gun safety certification or to become a U.S citizen, but any crazy fool can have children and screw them up to the best of their ability. I'm am not a self-pitying person, really, I'm not. It bugs me when people blame their parents for their lack of station in life, or their substance abuse, or whatever, unless they're the child that New Hampshire teacher had with her student or Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love's daughter. In those cases, I'd say they were a little down in the parent lottery from the beginning. However, I think people make their own lots in life, and even those who come from horrible beginnings can end up perfectly fine, or functional, despite what hands they were dealt.
I say I'm scared to have kids for the weird physical things people post online that kids can get or eat or do, or the fact that I'm scared I'm going to dent that cushion-y part in their head before it solidifies, and those things are completely true, but I'm also terrified that I'm going to inadvertently, or just outright, screw up my genetic material. I'm talking Lizzie Borden or a new chapter to the Manson Family, just because I'll be honest, I don't have a truly functional reference guide.
If you look up co-dependency and narcissistic personality disorder, those are just a few of the things to which I refer, and I won't even name names at this point.
Co-dependency: Codependency describes behaviors, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or caretaking. For example, parenting is a role that requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice and giving a child's needs a high priority, although a parent could nevertheless still be codependent towards their own children if the caretaking or parental sacrifice reached unhealthy or destructive levels. ( Pay super close attention to that last sentence, just my personal recommendation)
I will say this: there are certain things I will never say to my child, including, but not limited to, the following:
1. "You should be more like your (sibling, cousin, neighbor, etc...). It is not productive to make comparisons between your child and anyone. I plan to be my offspring's biggest cheerleader..not literally of course, I would look ridiculous with those little skirts, but whatever my child chooses to be or do or look like, that is their choice.
2. "You can't ________." Phooey. They can do anything they want, and even if they can't, I won't tell them. They'll figure it out, because I won't have dumb kids..um, kid, unless two shoot out of there at the same time. Seriously, don't put limitations on your children; they'll face that enough from the rest of the world.
3. This is not a specific thing I won't say, but if my child is ever in the hospital, sick, hurt, or what have you, I will not project my misplaced selfish drama on them. I've been scolded by a family member in the last 5 years while an IV was in my arm, and I was about 1/2 an hour away from surgery. As I gain more perspective, I don't really know why I care about this person's feelings, as they clearly do not care about mine.
Before I devolve into a Joan Crawford movie, I think I'll stop. I needed to get some of this out, this is what I do to keep from having the white coats take me away, and if you judge me for it, fine. Knock yourself out...literally. I will not, even more so now, apologize for being myself and making myself happy. If you're not happy, what's the point, and why invest so much time in such toxic relationships? I console myself with the knowledge that no truly successful writer came from a functional family unit...they also mostly died of alcoholism, but we'll just focus on the first part for now.
Hugh Kingsmill
2 comments:
Loved this one - reminded me how much I miss you.
Noofy do! I miss you, too, babe...I must make a trip to Huntsville...MUST...
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