Joey, I'm Not Angry Anymore

I've had a headache for two days. It's sinus-related, as Mother Nature has apparently gone way off her meds this winter. While I very much enjoyed the snow we had, sort of, I'm having a teeny issue with the 70 degrees one day and the 42 degrees the next day. My sinuses are not happy. I had the first infection in 6 months because of all of this temporal fabulosity, and while that's mostly gone, I'm still having that wondrous pressure in my face. The reason I bring this up, is that even though I feel like removing my facial bones with a rusty spork, I am sublimely happy and can't quite comprehend it.

My divorce is this close to being final. The papers were "e-filed" (so fancy these days) today, and I am merely waiting for a final, judge-signed decree. If you would have told me a year ago that I would be meeting this news with cheerful nonchalance, I would've claimed that you surely jest. But, I am. Really and truly, I am. I am living alone (with Piper the Wonderdog) for the first time in 8 years, and I love it. No, I haven't completely organized since my December move, and I don't care.

I have clutter and full storage closets, and pictures still waiting for a place to hang. I need curtains, a new vacuum cleaner, and I can't figure out why my cell phone bill seems about $50 higher than it should be. There are currently at least five pairs of shoes not in my closet, and this laptop has Piper hair all over it. I. Don't. Care. Not to invoke Sinead O'Connor, but "I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant; I can see whomever I choose." It's a pretty liberating way to feel, after emerging from the post-separation, pre-divorce abyss of misery.

I have people that I choose to have in my life because they each bring me value and laughter, and I hope I do the same for them. I'm finally getting to find out who I am and what I want and what I want to do, and it's better than I ever thought possible. I can make my own choices without much consideration to anyone else, and I get to go to a job every day for a great organization with people who are amazing. I am lucky, and I don't want to take any of it for granted.

So, in the words of the Indigo Girls, "After the battles and we're still around, everything once up in the air has settled down, sweep the ashes, let the silence find us." I can still care about Smitty and mean it and be friends with him and not want to plot his death and feed him to sharks with lasers on their heads. Thank God. I don't do well with resentment. I don't see the point.