So, as a soon-to-be divorcee, I made myself some rules. Some are very healthy, and some like "eat whatever I want for 2-3 weeks" are probably not. However, one was to make attainable goals. I'm not going to proclaim that I will sail around the Horn of Africa by year's end, but I think, for instance, making myself blog and write more are achievable things. I would also like to restart my guitar lessons. I bought a guitar off Craig's List in Philadelphia, Pa., before Craig's List was used to murder people. I did let my roommate know where I would be in case I didn't show up in a reasonable amount of time. End result: super cool guitar; no murder...yay.
I find myself with a mixture of emotions. I'm sad that my marriage didn't work out, but I also feel a rush of relief at not having to feel responsible for another person's well-being and happiness. Don't get me wrong, I still love my husband and care what happens to him and worry about his health, but it's oddly liberating to no longer have a day-to-day connection or stress about how to get back to that daily connection when things are not looking so good.
I will say this: I no longer have to worry about snoring, which I do...loudly. Sure, it makes my throat feel like shredded meat every morning, but I don't have to be concerned that I kept someone awake. Conversely, I don't have to do a target search for earplugs to keep from hearing someone else snore, and I can thrash around and hog the bed and sleep however makes me comfortable. Apparently, I've been told I did that anyway during my marriage, at times screaming with nightmares and once slapping my husband in the face in my sleep...Eh...it all worked out in the end, and I promise I have no recollection of any of these things, and I'll swear on a Bible if you push the issue.
Another sort of perk of living alone: I can make meals at my whims and buy the groceries I like. I'm not discounting the compromise you go through when living with a partner/spouse, but one night, I seriously had a banana, some Havarti cheese, and peanut butter for dinner. You can't do that when you're married. I subscribed to recipe websites, had food magazine subscriptions, if I was home in time to make dinner, I made elaborate dinners. You can't really do that when you're just cooking for yourself. I mean, you can, but if you make lasagna, you are eating lasagna for a week, and no one likes lasagna that much, not even Garfield.
I guess my point is, you just learn as you go and do what makes you happy. I am so far removed from the thought of dating, which is good, since I'm not officially divorced, but I honestly cannot even imagine a scenario where I want to date. I hate dating, and people, not just men, are so stupid, and I've reached an age where my tolerance is on the low level, I just don't know how that will work. I have a lot of respect for people who have found a life-long happiness in their second or subsequent marriages. I have assumed the role of cranky bitch who finds every aspect of romance/love/intimacy to be a fallacy. But other than that, I feel just fine. The 2/$10 Rex Goliath wine special at Winn-Dixie is my personal hero.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The Hazel Principle
My grandmother was what you would call "a pistol." She would send food back at will, terrorizing wait staff, sales people, store clerks, etc... you could pretty much name it. I would sometime cringe in a restaurant with her, because you could either get her completely charming personality or you could get the Diva. As a 20-something-year-old, I came to accept this as "Old Lady Syndrome." By the time I was 22, my grandmother was in her late 70s/early 80s. However, as this behavior started to worsen, I realized she had been this way my whole life, actually. After comprehending this, embarrassments aside in my pre-teen years, I am starting to embrace what I am deeming "The Hazel Principle."
I informed my mom of this earlier tonight. It essentially means that I'm removing whatever filter I had in place before and replacing it with a cranky, surly alternative. For instance, I thought Triple A would be a good idea, considering I have previously driven cars until they have fallen apart, and I'm suddenly missing a husband and/or a man type, as of late. And I will reiterate that it is a good idea, well worth the money considering what Triple A does, although I fear I have nearly worn out my 4 per year coverage.
How.....freaking ever....I scheduled an on-line pick-up at 5:30 p.m. today. After being told my pick-up will be between 5:30 and 5:45, I race there like a mad woman, and without going through specifics which point to their possibly incompetent dispatchers, my tow commenced at 7 p.m., a hour and a half later than it was supposed to be.
However, I did not have to pay for a tow through all this horseshit, so Triple A is worth every cent, as far I'm concerned.
After going through massive separation and now, apparently divorce, I am a bit in a fog. You might call it denial, but it's not. I think the true horrible nature of divorce for people not addicted to meth or having other external issues, is just slogging through all those nitpicky things that you don't think about until you have to.
I won't lie; I still love my husband, and I'm pretty certain he loves me, but timing can sometimes be a giant key that can either unlock things or switch them up in a way that leaves you at fate's mercy.
In the meantime, I am treading above toxic car water and trying to find a reasonable and affordable new-ish car. Have I mentioned I hate cars? No? Cars are the Debil.......Anyone have a 2007 or newer really awesome car they want to sell me, with financing? That would make my year. I've also decided, even though I don't feel pitiful, I'm going to start playing the Divorce card. I have to teach myself to cry on cue, though.
I informed my mom of this earlier tonight. It essentially means that I'm removing whatever filter I had in place before and replacing it with a cranky, surly alternative. For instance, I thought Triple A would be a good idea, considering I have previously driven cars until they have fallen apart, and I'm suddenly missing a husband and/or a man type, as of late. And I will reiterate that it is a good idea, well worth the money considering what Triple A does, although I fear I have nearly worn out my 4 per year coverage.
How.....freaking ever....I scheduled an on-line pick-up at 5:30 p.m. today. After being told my pick-up will be between 5:30 and 5:45, I race there like a mad woman, and without going through specifics which point to their possibly incompetent dispatchers, my tow commenced at 7 p.m., a hour and a half later than it was supposed to be.
However, I did not have to pay for a tow through all this horseshit, so Triple A is worth every cent, as far I'm concerned.
After going through massive separation and now, apparently divorce, I am a bit in a fog. You might call it denial, but it's not. I think the true horrible nature of divorce for people not addicted to meth or having other external issues, is just slogging through all those nitpicky things that you don't think about until you have to.
I won't lie; I still love my husband, and I'm pretty certain he loves me, but timing can sometimes be a giant key that can either unlock things or switch them up in a way that leaves you at fate's mercy.
In the meantime, I am treading above toxic car water and trying to find a reasonable and affordable new-ish car. Have I mentioned I hate cars? No? Cars are the Debil.......Anyone have a 2007 or newer really awesome car they want to sell me, with financing? That would make my year. I've also decided, even though I don't feel pitiful, I'm going to start playing the Divorce card. I have to teach myself to cry on cue, though.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
D-I-V-O-R-C-E = Clarity?
As my five or so loyal blog followers may know, I've been separated from my husband since October. I haven't posted much on Facebook or been particularly vocal via social media about it, because I do think that some things should stay fairly private. I still think that, but because writing is extremely cathartic for me, I've chosen to write about it here.
We were trying to "work on" our relationship, but because of timing, finances, personalities, and a host of issues that I may not even completely understand, we have mutually decided to get divorced. I'm not the first person to get divorced, I realize I'm not re-inventing the wheel here, but obviously to me, this is innately personal and, I'll be honest, kind of devastating. I even hate the word, "divorce." It's always sounded to me like the word "slice," which makes sense, because at times, it feels like you're being sliced in half, or part of you is being dissected.
My brother is divorced, but as far as role-model marriages go, my parents were married almost 40 years when my dad died (whether they should have been or not is another story), and my grandparents were married almost 60 years when my grandfather died. I have plenty of friends that come from divorced households, and for that matter, I have plenty of divorced friends. However, I had this misguided notion, "That won't be me."
Here's the stuff no one wants to tell you when you get married: There's literally no way to safeguard your marriage from divorce. You can have all the love in the world, you can be as happy as you ever thought you were capable; it doesn't matter. There are two personalities in a marriage, and as much as you may want to try, you can't control your partner's actions or thoughts. Of course I'm not saying all marriages are doomed to divorce, not by any means. I'm just saying, marriage is probably the biggest leap of faith anyone takes in their whole life. When you think about it, really, it's almost ridiculous. You're saying, "Yes, I'm a big, hot mess. I'd like to introduce another potentially big, hot mess into my life 24/7, legally binding, with no way out other than death and a thing that sounds like being sliced." It's craziness.
Do I wish this wasn't happening? Of course, but I also know that when two people aren't happy and the pieces aren't in place to make them happy, you can't force it. Fate and circumstance and life are funny things. I could choose, as my dark brain parts have drifted, to look at this as a failure or a horrible chapter in my life, or I could, and will choose, to take it and learn from it and use it as a positive experience to propel my life from here forward.
I get to figure myself out and do what makes me, just me, happy, and not worry about another person's feelings or expectations. I have a job that I love, friends that are extremely supportive, and a family that is there for me. I have no business feeling sorry for myself, and I'm not going to (except when I'm sad or have PMS). Anything can happen, and I hope it does. That's what makes up this insane thing we call life.
We were trying to "work on" our relationship, but because of timing, finances, personalities, and a host of issues that I may not even completely understand, we have mutually decided to get divorced. I'm not the first person to get divorced, I realize I'm not re-inventing the wheel here, but obviously to me, this is innately personal and, I'll be honest, kind of devastating. I even hate the word, "divorce." It's always sounded to me like the word "slice," which makes sense, because at times, it feels like you're being sliced in half, or part of you is being dissected.
My brother is divorced, but as far as role-model marriages go, my parents were married almost 40 years when my dad died (whether they should have been or not is another story), and my grandparents were married almost 60 years when my grandfather died. I have plenty of friends that come from divorced households, and for that matter, I have plenty of divorced friends. However, I had this misguided notion, "That won't be me."
Here's the stuff no one wants to tell you when you get married: There's literally no way to safeguard your marriage from divorce. You can have all the love in the world, you can be as happy as you ever thought you were capable; it doesn't matter. There are two personalities in a marriage, and as much as you may want to try, you can't control your partner's actions or thoughts. Of course I'm not saying all marriages are doomed to divorce, not by any means. I'm just saying, marriage is probably the biggest leap of faith anyone takes in their whole life. When you think about it, really, it's almost ridiculous. You're saying, "Yes, I'm a big, hot mess. I'd like to introduce another potentially big, hot mess into my life 24/7, legally binding, with no way out other than death and a thing that sounds like being sliced." It's craziness.
Do I wish this wasn't happening? Of course, but I also know that when two people aren't happy and the pieces aren't in place to make them happy, you can't force it. Fate and circumstance and life are funny things. I could choose, as my dark brain parts have drifted, to look at this as a failure or a horrible chapter in my life, or I could, and will choose, to take it and learn from it and use it as a positive experience to propel my life from here forward.
I get to figure myself out and do what makes me, just me, happy, and not worry about another person's feelings or expectations. I have a job that I love, friends that are extremely supportive, and a family that is there for me. I have no business feeling sorry for myself, and I'm not going to (except when I'm sad or have PMS). Anything can happen, and I hope it does. That's what makes up this insane thing we call life.
Thursday, May 09, 2013
I'm mad as hell, but I'll probably take it some more
Do you realize how much crap we put up with on a daily basis? It's sad, really. From the rude server to the idiot soccer mom in the Cadillac Escalade who nearly kills you while talking on a cell phone, it's ridiculous. I am so over cell phones in the car. Every day on my morning and evening commutes, I realize I am the only one not on my cell phone. I'm not trying to prove any kind of point by abstaining from cell phone usage in the car; I'll do in emergency cases or long, highway-type trips. I just don't get why we have to be connected 24/7.
No one listens/sings to the radio anymore, but me, apparently. How sad. I only have about a 20-minute morning commute/35ish afternoon, but that is time for me to listen to NPR/Adele/Frank Sinatra/Les Mis soundtrack. That's "me" time. Nobody has that anymore. I realized because of my insanely annoying phone, that even while I'm sleeping, it makes noises to let me know about Facebook notifications or Words with Friends (a game for smart people) notifications. Technology is permeating my sleep.
When I was younger, high school-age, I was given two hours of phone time a day. In retrospect, that's actually a lot, but I had about five people, including boyfriends, with whom I had to divvy that time. I thought it was extremely oppressive, but this was when I was using a Swatch phone for my calls, so I might not have the best perspective on the matter.
We got Nintendo when I was about 11 or so. I remember waking my sister up in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve after using my Barbie flashlight to inspect the goods. I literally whisper-screamed, "We got Nintendo! We got Nintendo!" That is some small potatoes these days. My niece has an iPad Touch...is that a thing...iPod Touch? Hell, I don't know, but it does way cooler stuff than Nintendo ever did, other than Super Mario Brothers.
Between Facebook and the articles I choose to read on slate.com or msn.com, etc...the outlandish politics are getting to me. I admit I don't understand the p's and q's of this Benghazi issue, but when I hear the words "impeachment" being bandied about, and we're still in countries Bush sent us to based on NO proof whatsoever, I have to question what people are thinking these days. Yes, I voted for Obama his first term, not the second. I couldn't do it in good conscience, but I take extreme issue with every single thing that's gone wrong in the country since before he took office being his fault.
I also take issue with blanket characterizations of liberals or Democrats or moderates or whatever I am. In fact, you can't pigeonhole me. Moreover, you actually can't really pigeonhole most of the country. That's where Fox News and the like go wrong. I keep hearing about the "liberal media," and I am not so blindsided by anything that I wouldn't recognize it. To this day, the only ridiculously biased network I'm aware of is Fox News.
So, in conclusion, I'm just pissed. I have this sort of cranky, Pigpen-esque cloud hanging over me, because more and more, things are just irritating the hell out of me. This sort of flamboyant black man is the one to rescue these women from Ohio being kept captive for 10 years+, and the media is racist for airing his unvarnished bytes. Hi, this is the South. You've been finding the most toothless, country-sounding morons to interview about a tornado for decades. I think it's fine if a decidedly colorful African-American person is shown to be helpful with a touch of flair. I've seen far more people support the fact that he turned down any reward than denigrate his character. We need to get the hell over ourselves, once and for all.
No one listens/sings to the radio anymore, but me, apparently. How sad. I only have about a 20-minute morning commute/35ish afternoon, but that is time for me to listen to NPR/Adele/Frank Sinatra/Les Mis soundtrack. That's "me" time. Nobody has that anymore. I realized because of my insanely annoying phone, that even while I'm sleeping, it makes noises to let me know about Facebook notifications or Words with Friends (a game for smart people) notifications. Technology is permeating my sleep.
When I was younger, high school-age, I was given two hours of phone time a day. In retrospect, that's actually a lot, but I had about five people, including boyfriends, with whom I had to divvy that time. I thought it was extremely oppressive, but this was when I was using a Swatch phone for my calls, so I might not have the best perspective on the matter.
We got Nintendo when I was about 11 or so. I remember waking my sister up in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve after using my Barbie flashlight to inspect the goods. I literally whisper-screamed, "We got Nintendo! We got Nintendo!" That is some small potatoes these days. My niece has an iPad Touch...is that a thing...iPod Touch? Hell, I don't know, but it does way cooler stuff than Nintendo ever did, other than Super Mario Brothers.
Between Facebook and the articles I choose to read on slate.com or msn.com, etc...the outlandish politics are getting to me. I admit I don't understand the p's and q's of this Benghazi issue, but when I hear the words "impeachment" being bandied about, and we're still in countries Bush sent us to based on NO proof whatsoever, I have to question what people are thinking these days. Yes, I voted for Obama his first term, not the second. I couldn't do it in good conscience, but I take extreme issue with every single thing that's gone wrong in the country since before he took office being his fault.
I also take issue with blanket characterizations of liberals or Democrats or moderates or whatever I am. In fact, you can't pigeonhole me. Moreover, you actually can't really pigeonhole most of the country. That's where Fox News and the like go wrong. I keep hearing about the "liberal media," and I am not so blindsided by anything that I wouldn't recognize it. To this day, the only ridiculously biased network I'm aware of is Fox News.
So, in conclusion, I'm just pissed. I have this sort of cranky, Pigpen-esque cloud hanging over me, because more and more, things are just irritating the hell out of me. This sort of flamboyant black man is the one to rescue these women from Ohio being kept captive for 10 years+, and the media is racist for airing his unvarnished bytes. Hi, this is the South. You've been finding the most toothless, country-sounding morons to interview about a tornado for decades. I think it's fine if a decidedly colorful African-American person is shown to be helpful with a touch of flair. I've seen far more people support the fact that he turned down any reward than denigrate his character. We need to get the hell over ourselves, once and for all.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Never settle; you're better than that
My 11 year-old niece asked me about boys the other day. She prefaced it by tentatively asking, "Can I ask you something?" I had no idea what was coming next. I love her like she's my own daughter, and I thought, "Please don't tell me or ask me something bad. You're supposed to stay little forever." So, she asked me if she and the boy she liked last year should get back together. Apparently, as much as things change, they stay the same, because "dating" at 10, 11 consists of barely speaking to each other at school, but maybe sitting by each other at lunch or something. At my elementary school, "going together" meant holding hands near the giant ditch (lawsuit, anyone) at which everyone gathered. You maybe "hung" out at football games, but that was about it. Oh, to revisit a simpler time. Although the only boy I ever "went with" was a complete jerk who was never very nice to me. I don't even remember how we broke off our pseudo relationship. I think it involved note-passing.
So, the boy she liked last year is a boy she broke up with because he was mean to one of her best friends. I love that she's that protective of her friends. I mean, I know they're 10 and 11, but, still, you garner traits like loyalty, etc...at a very young age. However, as we all know, boys that age can be a little odd. Like instead of talking to you, they might push you down or pull your hair. I told her that as long as she had her friend's blessing (which she does), I think it's okay to give him another chance. I did, however, tell her, that if he acts like a jerk again, she should leave him alone. She, mayor of Sassy Town, gave me a look and said, "Oh, no, if he acts like that again, that is IT." Oh, how I heart her so much. I hope she does learn at a young age not to put up with less than she deserves.
I know that in her life, she may have to settle on some things, but hopefully they'll be the small ones, like curtains or an English class taught by an unpopular professor. It's sad how much we all, myself included, settle on things without even realizing it sometimes. If you had asked me at my niece's age where I would be right now, I would've said singing on Broadway. Anyone who's ever heard me at karaoke, and there are a lot of you out there, knows that wasn't entirely realistic. But I did always feel I was bound for some degree of greatness.
I don't mean for that to sound like the town ass clown. I just had really high expectations for myself. And then I lowered them, and lowered them some more, and then just a tad bit more, and I felt horrible about myself. Now, I don't necessarily amend that I'm bound for greatness, but there are degrees of greatness. I can be a great aunt and a great daughter and a great friend and a great employee and hopefully aspire to just being a great person. Being a great person might be a bit lofty, but I've realized that maybe I won't win the Pulitzer Prize, but I can still live a life out loud and do what I can to leave my mark, and that's okay, too.
So, the boy she liked last year is a boy she broke up with because he was mean to one of her best friends. I love that she's that protective of her friends. I mean, I know they're 10 and 11, but, still, you garner traits like loyalty, etc...at a very young age. However, as we all know, boys that age can be a little odd. Like instead of talking to you, they might push you down or pull your hair. I told her that as long as she had her friend's blessing (which she does), I think it's okay to give him another chance. I did, however, tell her, that if he acts like a jerk again, she should leave him alone. She, mayor of Sassy Town, gave me a look and said, "Oh, no, if he acts like that again, that is IT." Oh, how I heart her so much. I hope she does learn at a young age not to put up with less than she deserves.
I know that in her life, she may have to settle on some things, but hopefully they'll be the small ones, like curtains or an English class taught by an unpopular professor. It's sad how much we all, myself included, settle on things without even realizing it sometimes. If you had asked me at my niece's age where I would be right now, I would've said singing on Broadway. Anyone who's ever heard me at karaoke, and there are a lot of you out there, knows that wasn't entirely realistic. But I did always feel I was bound for some degree of greatness.
I don't mean for that to sound like the town ass clown. I just had really high expectations for myself. And then I lowered them, and lowered them some more, and then just a tad bit more, and I felt horrible about myself. Now, I don't necessarily amend that I'm bound for greatness, but there are degrees of greatness. I can be a great aunt and a great daughter and a great friend and a great employee and hopefully aspire to just being a great person. Being a great person might be a bit lofty, but I've realized that maybe I won't win the Pulitzer Prize, but I can still live a life out loud and do what I can to leave my mark, and that's okay, too.
Friday, March 08, 2013
Not sure what about what Stella did, but I am slowly locating my groove...or whatever white people do...
It's weird how you get into a rut, whether in work or life in general, and then something catastrophic happens, or maybe like three to seven catastrophic things happen, and you kind of forget what you're like as a happy, functional person. It's sort of like Job, on a smaller scale, although I don't think Job had anti-depressants. I don't want to be sacrilegious or anything, but it's good to see the advances of modern medicine in action in certain regards.
I am not a game show host-happy kind of person. I like to be silly, and I like to make people laugh. And I do use humor to diffuse pretty much any situation. However, there are, and have been, situations in the last few years that even if I have found humor, it's daaaark humor, like Marilyn Manson at a nightclub doing stand-up kind of humor. My father dying is not funny; my grandmother dying is not funny; my being a perfectly smart capable person and not being able to find a job that doesn't want to make me burn the building down is not funny; and becoming an insignificant person in my marriage is not funny.
These things weighed me down. They made me doubt my worth as a person, and by all means, I know those times will come again. But what I'm just starting to realize, slowly, it actually took a somewhat glacial pace, is that I'm still me. I'm still a person who is funny and smart and positive. I can still be those things and be cynical, as is my nature. I want to make people laugh, and I also want to do good work and feel good at the end of a day.
And I also don't want to feel apologetic for being who I am. I talk a lot (if I like you), if our family had a crest, it would be a giant, gaping mouth, but I also listen a lot. I care about my friends and loved ones and what I can do for them. I cry at absurd things, like American Idol (that guy with the speech impediment who can sing like Tony Bennett KILLS me), and my niece and nephew asking if I can come live with them, and I sing ALL the time, and talk to myself...and frankly, crack myself the hell up. And I'm not always proper and appropriate in a conventional way, but I'm just as comfortable talking with a waiter as I am with a CEO of a major company, and there's really no difference in what I'm saying.
It's not good to lose yourself. I've done it before, post-college, but I don't know that it took me this long to relocate myself. Maybe the GSP (as my mom calls GPS) technology had to catch up with me, and it had a learning curve, I'm not sure. All I know is that I feel more positive than I have in a long time, and I haven't upped my Cymbalta. I'm taking things a day at a time and trying desperately not to freak out that I can't predict my future in 5 or 10 years.
I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves about everything. I know I have, and still do, even with my grand epiphany. All we really need to do is live in the moment, drink in the happy ones, stop dwelling as much on the negative ones, and look at the bigger picture. We all seem so tired; everyone is always saying how tired or stressed they are, and I know that's not really a new thing, but in the midst of all that stress and exhaustion, are we really enjoying the here and now? I don't want to be morbid, but we're not promised tomorrow. What if our last days are full of worry and stress and lack the brightness of happiness and enjoyment?
Screw that; I want to suck the marrow out of life and do good where I can and spread joy and happiness where I'm able. I know I sound like an Alcoholics Anonymous poster, but I'm completely serious and trying not to be cheesy. See there, I can be positive, sort of like a game show host, but with anti-depressants and wine.
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better."
--Maya Angelou
I am not a game show host-happy kind of person. I like to be silly, and I like to make people laugh. And I do use humor to diffuse pretty much any situation. However, there are, and have been, situations in the last few years that even if I have found humor, it's daaaark humor, like Marilyn Manson at a nightclub doing stand-up kind of humor. My father dying is not funny; my grandmother dying is not funny; my being a perfectly smart capable person and not being able to find a job that doesn't want to make me burn the building down is not funny; and becoming an insignificant person in my marriage is not funny.
These things weighed me down. They made me doubt my worth as a person, and by all means, I know those times will come again. But what I'm just starting to realize, slowly, it actually took a somewhat glacial pace, is that I'm still me. I'm still a person who is funny and smart and positive. I can still be those things and be cynical, as is my nature. I want to make people laugh, and I also want to do good work and feel good at the end of a day.
And I also don't want to feel apologetic for being who I am. I talk a lot (if I like you), if our family had a crest, it would be a giant, gaping mouth, but I also listen a lot. I care about my friends and loved ones and what I can do for them. I cry at absurd things, like American Idol (that guy with the speech impediment who can sing like Tony Bennett KILLS me), and my niece and nephew asking if I can come live with them, and I sing ALL the time, and talk to myself...and frankly, crack myself the hell up. And I'm not always proper and appropriate in a conventional way, but I'm just as comfortable talking with a waiter as I am with a CEO of a major company, and there's really no difference in what I'm saying.
It's not good to lose yourself. I've done it before, post-college, but I don't know that it took me this long to relocate myself. Maybe the GSP (as my mom calls GPS) technology had to catch up with me, and it had a learning curve, I'm not sure. All I know is that I feel more positive than I have in a long time, and I haven't upped my Cymbalta. I'm taking things a day at a time and trying desperately not to freak out that I can't predict my future in 5 or 10 years.
I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves about everything. I know I have, and still do, even with my grand epiphany. All we really need to do is live in the moment, drink in the happy ones, stop dwelling as much on the negative ones, and look at the bigger picture. We all seem so tired; everyone is always saying how tired or stressed they are, and I know that's not really a new thing, but in the midst of all that stress and exhaustion, are we really enjoying the here and now? I don't want to be morbid, but we're not promised tomorrow. What if our last days are full of worry and stress and lack the brightness of happiness and enjoyment?
Screw that; I want to suck the marrow out of life and do good where I can and spread joy and happiness where I'm able. I know I sound like an Alcoholics Anonymous poster, but I'm completely serious and trying not to be cheesy. See there, I can be positive, sort of like a game show host, but with anti-depressants and wine.
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better."
--Maya Angelou
Sunday, March 03, 2013
Things that are sad
I really kind of hate being at age where parents and grandparents are dying. I don't think I"ve dealt well with aging. I don't look old; therefore, I don't believe to be old. However, my father has died, a person to whom I've idolized, and and my grandmother died... later, but I realized how much she loved me at the end. These are not things that I want lurking inside me, but, dammit, I can't let them go.
My dad would be pissed that I'm holding on to his memory. He would've wanted a jazz band or an Elvis impersenator at his funeral, but we had to be proper and such. He told me once, that when he died, he would be "at play in the fields of the Lord," and I appreciate that, I really do. I know he's fishing and leaping without his shortened leg.
I just wonder, and this is what I struggle with ... how do we on earth, cope with those that are in a better place? I am so happy that my dad and grandfather and grandmother are with each other, although, they may be arguing...but I want them HERE...I need them, their guidance and wisdom and love. Sometimes, I think about them all, and I'm overwhelmed and honored that I had that love and wisdom all in one place.
And my only real hope in life is that I make them proud now, not because I'm a billionaire or an entrepreneur, but because I do good work and try to make myself happy. That's all they would've wanted.
My dad would be pissed that I'm holding on to his memory. He would've wanted a jazz band or an Elvis impersenator at his funeral, but we had to be proper and such. He told me once, that when he died, he would be "at play in the fields of the Lord," and I appreciate that, I really do. I know he's fishing and leaping without his shortened leg.
I just wonder, and this is what I struggle with ... how do we on earth, cope with those that are in a better place? I am so happy that my dad and grandfather and grandmother are with each other, although, they may be arguing...but I want them HERE...I need them, their guidance and wisdom and love. Sometimes, I think about them all, and I'm overwhelmed and honored that I had that love and wisdom all in one place.
And my only real hope in life is that I make them proud now, not because I'm a billionaire or an entrepreneur, but because I do good work and try to make myself happy. That's all they would've wanted.
Saturday, December 08, 2012
Where do I find myself again? I don't know where I was lost.
I'm pretty mad. And by mad, I mean, I get really mad, and then I cry, which makes me more mad. I'm going through some personal stuff I'm not comfortable broadcasting, but I would like to know where the hell I went. Anyone that knows me knows I'm not a doormat or a meek or submissive person, but you find yourself in situations where your base instincts, however strong or right they may be, are not the appropriate reaction for the situation...so you wait....
Did I mention I'm the least patient human being on the planet? If I have to stand in line or wait, I become physically agitated, like a person with Tourette's or Asperger's. Hell, maybe I should be checked on some kind of scale, because it physically pains me and causes inappropriate things to fall out of my face if I have to wait. I always appreciated the fast pace of Pennsylvania. Even if they were complete derelicts, they knew how to drive quickly to get to where they had to go. I appreciate having a purpose.
Scan to now: I feel like I have no purpose. I'm unemployed, as actively seeking a job as possible, I can't get my stupid tire or brakes fixed until I feel like I have a steady income, and my husband and I are living apart....indefinitely. I am 36, I want a baby, but I'm unemployed with no savings and possibly no husband. I don't recognize this life. I tried to strategically plan my life, but that's a complete waste of time. You can't plan any of the major things in life. So, I thought when I met a person who literally swept me off my feet, that I finally understood my dad's tripe about "knowing when you found the one."
I take issue with love stories and romantic movies, because I think they should go back 5, 10 years later and reassess their handiwork. Oh, the people who were so in love now want to strangle each other in their sleep. Or one person changes, without a heads up to the other person, so you turn into a doormat, wishing that things reverted to the way they were.
I have no answers. I only have questions and frustrations, and no one can answer them or fix anything but me. But I am having an existential crisis at the moment, and I can't talk to my dad, who might have some kind of answer. I can only get up each day and breathe in and out and hope that the pain and disillusionment gets a little better. I'm not saying my marriage is over, but I never thought I'd be in this position about it. Marriage is HARD, and I say this, because I don't think that's advertised enough. It's not all picket fences and babies and skipping in the fields. And if this doesn't work out, I have no interest in another. I can't adopt cats, because I"m allergic, but maybe I'll collect stamps and become the foremost expert in television. I don't know. But I don't need this again. I love my husband more than anything, but if this much pain comes with that much love, you can have it.
Did I mention I'm the least patient human being on the planet? If I have to stand in line or wait, I become physically agitated, like a person with Tourette's or Asperger's. Hell, maybe I should be checked on some kind of scale, because it physically pains me and causes inappropriate things to fall out of my face if I have to wait. I always appreciated the fast pace of Pennsylvania. Even if they were complete derelicts, they knew how to drive quickly to get to where they had to go. I appreciate having a purpose.
Scan to now: I feel like I have no purpose. I'm unemployed, as actively seeking a job as possible, I can't get my stupid tire or brakes fixed until I feel like I have a steady income, and my husband and I are living apart....indefinitely. I am 36, I want a baby, but I'm unemployed with no savings and possibly no husband. I don't recognize this life. I tried to strategically plan my life, but that's a complete waste of time. You can't plan any of the major things in life. So, I thought when I met a person who literally swept me off my feet, that I finally understood my dad's tripe about "knowing when you found the one."
I take issue with love stories and romantic movies, because I think they should go back 5, 10 years later and reassess their handiwork. Oh, the people who were so in love now want to strangle each other in their sleep. Or one person changes, without a heads up to the other person, so you turn into a doormat, wishing that things reverted to the way they were.
I have no answers. I only have questions and frustrations, and no one can answer them or fix anything but me. But I am having an existential crisis at the moment, and I can't talk to my dad, who might have some kind of answer. I can only get up each day and breathe in and out and hope that the pain and disillusionment gets a little better. I'm not saying my marriage is over, but I never thought I'd be in this position about it. Marriage is HARD, and I say this, because I don't think that's advertised enough. It's not all picket fences and babies and skipping in the fields. And if this doesn't work out, I have no interest in another. I can't adopt cats, because I"m allergic, but maybe I'll collect stamps and become the foremost expert in television. I don't know. But I don't need this again. I love my husband more than anything, but if this much pain comes with that much love, you can have it.
Monday, December 03, 2012
I just want to scream and punch meat...like Rocky
I am usually a huge fan of the holiday season. I like the lights and the decorations and that warm, fuzzy feeling you get when it's cold and you've made a big pot of soup or chili. There's hot chocolate and the Grinch and a general feeling of the happy lovies....this year, I'm not feeling it at all. In fact, I'm starting to understand the statistic of how suicides increase during the holidays.
Don't worry, I'm not feeling suicidal...yet...I just am having the feeling of a large elephant standing on my chest or maybe standing behind me, ready to charge. I have no job.....no income, and I lost my grandmother this year, a lady who kind of personified our family holidays. It's a sad thing when you are the child of only children, and you lose your dad and your grandmother in the span of three years.
I'm not asking anyone...at ALL, to feel sorry for me, I do that well enough, but so many things about the holiday season were defined through my dad and my grandmother. My dad once hung sleigh bells..or, just bells, I guess, outside mine and my sister's windows, he wrote cursive notes from Santa, because he never wrote cursive anywhere else, he spent hours assembling trampolines, bikes, and basketball goals on Christmas Eve, after we were ordered to bed.
My grandmother made the best dressing every year (although my sister did an equally excellent job this year, God bless her), she always got us the best presents, and she made chocolate chess pie, which I tried to replicate a couple of years ago and failed miserably...Last Christmas, about seven months before she died, she cracked up my niece and nephew by trying to stick her tongue to her nose, since they had discovered whether or not they could do it. Imagine, a 91-year-old person trying to stick her tongue to her nose for about 15 minutes....and she never thought she was funny....
You have all these memories of holidays and Christmases past, and they're so good. I used to climb in bed with my sister on Christmas morning after we looked at our toys, and I cried, thinking about that, when she got married, even though I was 16 and we didn't really do that anymore, I knew we never could. I remember when I was about 11, when we got a Nintendo. I set my alarm and used my Barbie flashlight to investigate...and I ran in her room, and shook her, whisper-yelling, "We got Nintendo! We got Nintendo!" I am assuming that when you have kids, that joy returns to Christmas. Maybe one day, I'll experience that.
For now, I am hoping that the new year brings better things for me. This year has been an albatross, and I wish to free it....how do you do that?
Don't worry, I'm not feeling suicidal...yet...I just am having the feeling of a large elephant standing on my chest or maybe standing behind me, ready to charge. I have no job.....no income, and I lost my grandmother this year, a lady who kind of personified our family holidays. It's a sad thing when you are the child of only children, and you lose your dad and your grandmother in the span of three years.
I'm not asking anyone...at ALL, to feel sorry for me, I do that well enough, but so many things about the holiday season were defined through my dad and my grandmother. My dad once hung sleigh bells..or, just bells, I guess, outside mine and my sister's windows, he wrote cursive notes from Santa, because he never wrote cursive anywhere else, he spent hours assembling trampolines, bikes, and basketball goals on Christmas Eve, after we were ordered to bed.
My grandmother made the best dressing every year (although my sister did an equally excellent job this year, God bless her), she always got us the best presents, and she made chocolate chess pie, which I tried to replicate a couple of years ago and failed miserably...Last Christmas, about seven months before she died, she cracked up my niece and nephew by trying to stick her tongue to her nose, since they had discovered whether or not they could do it. Imagine, a 91-year-old person trying to stick her tongue to her nose for about 15 minutes....and she never thought she was funny....
You have all these memories of holidays and Christmases past, and they're so good. I used to climb in bed with my sister on Christmas morning after we looked at our toys, and I cried, thinking about that, when she got married, even though I was 16 and we didn't really do that anymore, I knew we never could. I remember when I was about 11, when we got a Nintendo. I set my alarm and used my Barbie flashlight to investigate...and I ran in her room, and shook her, whisper-yelling, "We got Nintendo! We got Nintendo!" I am assuming that when you have kids, that joy returns to Christmas. Maybe one day, I'll experience that.
For now, I am hoping that the new year brings better things for me. This year has been an albatross, and I wish to free it....how do you do that?
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Yo ho ho and drink a bottle of rum and shut the hell up
Barack Obama was elected for a second term. I did not vote for Barack Obama. In fact, wait for it, I didn't vote this year. It was a combination of abject disgust for the entire ordeal and an inability for Alabama to figure out when/where to send our registration forms. I feel sorrow for not having voted, as this is this first time since I turned 18 that I haven't, and I have always been politically active, but in good conscience, I couldn't do it this year.
I am extremely upset with Obama's record in the last four years. I say this with a heavy heart, because I knew when he spoke at the 2004 Democratic Convention, he was someone to whom idealists like me could hitch their wagons. He was smart, full of hope, said the right things the right way, and he was a viable alternative to the war-mongering, back room deals of the Republican Party. But, somewhere along the line, I think his ego got the best of him, and he became determined to pass things just to prove he could. He lost sight of the fact that average people like me are paying too much for gas and milk and the things that sustain us, and it pisses me off.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt for a long, long time, arguing with my husband about what he was trying to do, hoping the big picture would come into focus. It never did, not to me. But on the other hand, you have Mitt Romney, a Mormon, that suddenly right-wingers are happy to throw in with. Have you ever read the tenets of Mormonism? Magic underwear, people...plus, add the fact that universal healthcare was kind of his idea, yet, for the country, it's not acceptable, and this is a man that cannot be trusted. I couldn't vote for either of them, not in good conscience.
And here's what, to you people that tell me having Democratic beliefs are not Christian and that if I didn't vote, I don't have a say, and that Obama's second term is welcoming the Mayan prophecy that we're all going to die in 6 weeks....CHILL OUT...the drama has reached an unacceptable level and a nasty one...
I actually thought George W. Bush was the Devil Incarnate, and yet, I survived his second term...and by the way, he gave us this economy. Deny it all you want, say Obama's using it as a cop-out, that's fine, but facts don't lie. We got into wars that manipulated public opinion over 9/11 that threw us into massive debt. Who perpetrated 9/11? Osama bin Laden. Who caught him? Oh, yeah, that's right....our current and future President.
I learned during my campaign stint in '04 to listen to others' differing opinions objectively. You can learn a lot from rational people whose ideas happen to differ from yours. It was an enriching experience, for many reasons. I'm just saying, if you really think about and formulate what it is that bothers you so much about a second Obama term or what would make a first Romney term so great, I don't think there would be that much difference. And for God's sake, stop attacking ideals that are attached to your loved ones as though they are doomed to hell for their beliefs. Thank GOD for the First Amendment, and yes, I am a Democrat, or actually, an Independent, and I do believe in God. There seems to be some confusion on that point.
I am extremely upset with Obama's record in the last four years. I say this with a heavy heart, because I knew when he spoke at the 2004 Democratic Convention, he was someone to whom idealists like me could hitch their wagons. He was smart, full of hope, said the right things the right way, and he was a viable alternative to the war-mongering, back room deals of the Republican Party. But, somewhere along the line, I think his ego got the best of him, and he became determined to pass things just to prove he could. He lost sight of the fact that average people like me are paying too much for gas and milk and the things that sustain us, and it pisses me off.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt for a long, long time, arguing with my husband about what he was trying to do, hoping the big picture would come into focus. It never did, not to me. But on the other hand, you have Mitt Romney, a Mormon, that suddenly right-wingers are happy to throw in with. Have you ever read the tenets of Mormonism? Magic underwear, people...plus, add the fact that universal healthcare was kind of his idea, yet, for the country, it's not acceptable, and this is a man that cannot be trusted. I couldn't vote for either of them, not in good conscience.
And here's what, to you people that tell me having Democratic beliefs are not Christian and that if I didn't vote, I don't have a say, and that Obama's second term is welcoming the Mayan prophecy that we're all going to die in 6 weeks....CHILL OUT...the drama has reached an unacceptable level and a nasty one...
I actually thought George W. Bush was the Devil Incarnate, and yet, I survived his second term...and by the way, he gave us this economy. Deny it all you want, say Obama's using it as a cop-out, that's fine, but facts don't lie. We got into wars that manipulated public opinion over 9/11 that threw us into massive debt. Who perpetrated 9/11? Osama bin Laden. Who caught him? Oh, yeah, that's right....our current and future President.
I learned during my campaign stint in '04 to listen to others' differing opinions objectively. You can learn a lot from rational people whose ideas happen to differ from yours. It was an enriching experience, for many reasons. I'm just saying, if you really think about and formulate what it is that bothers you so much about a second Obama term or what would make a first Romney term so great, I don't think there would be that much difference. And for God's sake, stop attacking ideals that are attached to your loved ones as though they are doomed to hell for their beliefs. Thank GOD for the First Amendment, and yes, I am a Democrat, or actually, an Independent, and I do believe in God. There seems to be some confusion on that point.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Life is hard; duh
I'm having a kind of of pre-mid-life thing at the moment. Here is what I know. I don't like most people. I applaud the idea that people get you through life. However, I can count on both hands people that I genuinely love and admire and lean on in gruff situations, so....that doesn't help me much. I find myself thinking and wishing that I could be an idiot, completely oblivious to what's wrong and right and what feelings should actually mean. Read "Flowers for Algernon," although it's the single most depressing thing I ever read. However, it really gives you the duplicate view of life.
I am grappling with this lovely mid-30s view of life. I don't particularly mind being my age, except everyone around me is either far exceeding or sadly far descending into a lifestyle to which I do not aspire. I think this is a strange age, mid-30s. When I was born, my mom was 37....gasp......but that was to a completely different generation. I may feel a failure on a couple of levels, but only one has a loud, ticking clock. I know you can't rush a baby, and I don't intend to, but my body has a bit of a timeline.
By the way, God, I really don't find it to be fair that you allowed the men to procreate as long as there were swimmers, but you set a clock for us females. I love you and appreciate you, but I feel you might've made an oversight there....because what you get is nice, functional people like me who want babies, but are trying to be prudent.....and are 35!........And maybe now, 35 year-old people don't know what they want, because they didn't get married right out of high school. Can somebody...anybody...just give me a damn break? A small demi-tasse damn break?
On a less pissy note:
I am grappling with this lovely mid-30s view of life. I don't particularly mind being my age, except everyone around me is either far exceeding or sadly far descending into a lifestyle to which I do not aspire. I think this is a strange age, mid-30s. When I was born, my mom was 37....gasp......but that was to a completely different generation. I may feel a failure on a couple of levels, but only one has a loud, ticking clock. I know you can't rush a baby, and I don't intend to, but my body has a bit of a timeline.
By the way, God, I really don't find it to be fair that you allowed the men to procreate as long as there were swimmers, but you set a clock for us females. I love you and appreciate you, but I feel you might've made an oversight there....because what you get is nice, functional people like me who want babies, but are trying to be prudent.....and are 35!........And maybe now, 35 year-old people don't know what they want, because they didn't get married right out of high school. Can somebody...anybody...just give me a damn break? A small demi-tasse damn break?
On a less pissy note:
   “How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.”-- Oscar Wilde |
Sunday, August 05, 2012
God help you if you are a phoenix and you dare to rise up from the ash
I am sick of hypocrisy. Mainly, I am sick of people who talk about religion constantly and whose actions immediately cancel whatever good they may've exuded. I am a spiritual person and a Democrat (gasp), but I don't feel the need to talk about God, what you shouldn't do and why you can't be friends with a certain type of person. That's not the God I believe in. The God I believe in would want to demonstrate what a Christian and good person looks like and witness to those who haven't experienced that yet.
Pouring judgment and generally hypocritical does nothing but show that you are not living a Christian life, so why would a nonbeliever want to listen to you? I heard Rick and Bubba, who I almost never listen to, the other morning talking about how Brad Pitt's mother was receiving death threats for coming out (no pun intended) as being against gay marriage. They then went on to say that liberals who got upset over opposing views were the meanest, nastiest, most dangerous people you could come in contact with...really???
Not the anti-abortion zealots who kill doctors or the people who stand outside the clinics yelling, "God hates you," or Ann Coulter or Rush Limbaugh...no, those people aren't nasty or hateful at all. I once had an anti-Kerry person SPIT on me, just because I wanted to talk to her about John Kerry. A simple "no" would've been much more civilized and would've kept me from being convinced I was going to catch hepatitis.
I've seen so many people use the name of God for their own purposes and then turn around and talk about everybody in their church and how they couldn't possibly let a lesbian sing in the choir. This is your witnessing? Mary Magdalene, one of Jesus' most ardent disciples, was a prostitute. Did he say, "Mary, I appreciate your helping spread the gospel and all, but you are, in fact, a dirty whore and you're making me look bad." NO. These were the people he felt he needed to witness to the most. I just don't, and will never, understand, talking out of both sides of your mouth.
Yes, I drink. I'm 34 years old, and I have occasional cocktails. I don't drink and drive; I don't drink and fall asleep while taking care of my children, and I don't drink and mix it with methampetamine. So, don't look down your nose at me for admitting I drink and then go drink a 12-pack while having a weekend at the river. That's all I'm saying. You can bet I don't care what YOU think, but I do care what HE thinks. Maybe you should worry about that as well.
Pouring judgment and generally hypocritical does nothing but show that you are not living a Christian life, so why would a nonbeliever want to listen to you? I heard Rick and Bubba, who I almost never listen to, the other morning talking about how Brad Pitt's mother was receiving death threats for coming out (no pun intended) as being against gay marriage. They then went on to say that liberals who got upset over opposing views were the meanest, nastiest, most dangerous people you could come in contact with...really???
Not the anti-abortion zealots who kill doctors or the people who stand outside the clinics yelling, "God hates you," or Ann Coulter or Rush Limbaugh...no, those people aren't nasty or hateful at all. I once had an anti-Kerry person SPIT on me, just because I wanted to talk to her about John Kerry. A simple "no" would've been much more civilized and would've kept me from being convinced I was going to catch hepatitis.
I've seen so many people use the name of God for their own purposes and then turn around and talk about everybody in their church and how they couldn't possibly let a lesbian sing in the choir. This is your witnessing? Mary Magdalene, one of Jesus' most ardent disciples, was a prostitute. Did he say, "Mary, I appreciate your helping spread the gospel and all, but you are, in fact, a dirty whore and you're making me look bad." NO. These were the people he felt he needed to witness to the most. I just don't, and will never, understand, talking out of both sides of your mouth.
Yes, I drink. I'm 34 years old, and I have occasional cocktails. I don't drink and drive; I don't drink and fall asleep while taking care of my children, and I don't drink and mix it with methampetamine. So, don't look down your nose at me for admitting I drink and then go drink a 12-pack while having a weekend at the river. That's all I'm saying. You can bet I don't care what YOU think, but I do care what HE thinks. Maybe you should worry about that as well.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
A pending farewell to the best grandmother ever
My grandmother is sick, nothing they can put too fine a point on, but let's say her 91 year-old body has had enough of this world. She's rarely been sick a day in her life, in fact, I was certain she would enter the Guinness Book of Records by living to 150. The doctor hasn't given her more than weeks to live and so we've set about preparing for the inevitable.
It's very hard to see her helpless and nearly non-functioning in a hospital bed. My niece pointed out, that just at Christmas, she was trying to demonstrate touching her tongue to her nose. I'm named after her. My middle name before I got married was Beryl, and I detested it like any other kid who has a difference on which others can capitalize. Then, I realized in my 20s how stupid that was. Not only is it a truly unique name in a sea of same-named peers, but I got to be named after her, a spitfire of a woman that doesn't and never has taken crap from anyone.
We could argue, oh, how we could argue, but as the Indigo Girls song says, "After the battles and we're still around, everything once up in the air has settled down, sweep the ashes. Let the silence find us. The moment of peace is worth every war behind us." We argued because we were both hard-headed, and we always apologized the way people who love each other apologize, with tearful phone calls or hugs. I know that if she passed away tonight, she knows how loved she was, and our relationship was strong.
Especially since my dad died, I've come to see how important it is that things aren't left unsaid with your loved ones. You don't get to go back and make things right when they're gone, and then you have useless regret and guilt weighing on you for no reason. With my dad, now that the void he left isn't so painful, I can think about him and the countless happy memories we had and smile and know that relationship was good and important in my life. That's how I feel about my grandmother, "Mamaw."
My sister and I used to spend the night with my grandparents all the time; it was such a treat. She drove me to talent shows, spelling bees, hair appointments. She picked me up from school when I was sick, and one on eventful day, she called the doctor to make sure I wouldn't die from eating glue-covered popcorn from a kindergarten project. She also worried and still does to this day about my sister and I driving anywhere after dark or that's longer than an hour. She's by far the most nurturing member of our family, and I have yet to comprehend the loss when it's her time.
I know that it's in His hands, and he has given her a wonderful life. She'll get to go be with my grandfather, the 50 years+ love of her life, and they will watch over us, along with my dad. I'm almost jealous that they will all get to be together while we have to wait, but I know that's the way it needs to be. She and Daddy will probably fight anyway for the first 10 years.
It's very hard to see her helpless and nearly non-functioning in a hospital bed. My niece pointed out, that just at Christmas, she was trying to demonstrate touching her tongue to her nose. I'm named after her. My middle name before I got married was Beryl, and I detested it like any other kid who has a difference on which others can capitalize. Then, I realized in my 20s how stupid that was. Not only is it a truly unique name in a sea of same-named peers, but I got to be named after her, a spitfire of a woman that doesn't and never has taken crap from anyone.
We could argue, oh, how we could argue, but as the Indigo Girls song says, "After the battles and we're still around, everything once up in the air has settled down, sweep the ashes. Let the silence find us. The moment of peace is worth every war behind us." We argued because we were both hard-headed, and we always apologized the way people who love each other apologize, with tearful phone calls or hugs. I know that if she passed away tonight, she knows how loved she was, and our relationship was strong.
Especially since my dad died, I've come to see how important it is that things aren't left unsaid with your loved ones. You don't get to go back and make things right when they're gone, and then you have useless regret and guilt weighing on you for no reason. With my dad, now that the void he left isn't so painful, I can think about him and the countless happy memories we had and smile and know that relationship was good and important in my life. That's how I feel about my grandmother, "Mamaw."
My sister and I used to spend the night with my grandparents all the time; it was such a treat. She drove me to talent shows, spelling bees, hair appointments. She picked me up from school when I was sick, and one on eventful day, she called the doctor to make sure I wouldn't die from eating glue-covered popcorn from a kindergarten project. She also worried and still does to this day about my sister and I driving anywhere after dark or that's longer than an hour. She's by far the most nurturing member of our family, and I have yet to comprehend the loss when it's her time.
I know that it's in His hands, and he has given her a wonderful life. She'll get to go be with my grandfather, the 50 years+ love of her life, and they will watch over us, along with my dad. I'm almost jealous that they will all get to be together while we have to wait, but I know that's the way it needs to be. She and Daddy will probably fight anyway for the first 10 years.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
I want sugar plums, dammit!
I cannot stop having these bizarre dreams. The latest recurring ones are:
1. Either Godzilla, aliens, or the Lord is destroying the Earth. I always manage to get in with the government and become moderately protected, but why am I having Apocalyptic dreams? Sometimes, I can see the water wash over everything or Godzilla's big foot walking by, but I always seem to make it out okay.
2. I am in college and keep forgetting my schedule, that I have a test, to go to a certain class all semester and where my dorm room is. But I'm still married, so I don't understand why I have a dorm room, and I still work full time, so I have to tell my boss that I have a mid-term.
3. I keep having a kind of sitcom-running dream that I have this huge crush on someone with whom I was in elementary and middle school. I really don't understand this one. I briefly had a crush on him in middle school, but haven't seen or thought about this person in over 20 years.
4. I keep going on these weird vacations. I'm always with people I would never vacation with, I never know how/when we got there, and I always have trouble getting home.
Those are the main ones I remember, so I can deduce a few things. The world is about to end, and I have the insight on where to hide...although, if it really is Armageddon, you can't hide, so I don't completely understand that part.
Maybe I should go back to college to get my master's like I've been saying for 10 years. That would actually be ideal, and maybe my memory is bad in the dream, because I'm so much older than I was in undergrad.
I'm thinking the weird crush one is to possibly reconnect with old friends; I may still have to think about that...and clearly, I need a vacation. That one's simple. Actually, I don't know how much I believe in dreams, but I kid you not when I say that these have been playing on a loop for months now. I even watched a horror movie last night and fully expected a vampire to stalk me, and it didn't happen. No, I was obsessed with going to a high school football game, which I didn't even do when I was in high school.
1. Either Godzilla, aliens, or the Lord is destroying the Earth. I always manage to get in with the government and become moderately protected, but why am I having Apocalyptic dreams? Sometimes, I can see the water wash over everything or Godzilla's big foot walking by, but I always seem to make it out okay.
2. I am in college and keep forgetting my schedule, that I have a test, to go to a certain class all semester and where my dorm room is. But I'm still married, so I don't understand why I have a dorm room, and I still work full time, so I have to tell my boss that I have a mid-term.
3. I keep having a kind of sitcom-running dream that I have this huge crush on someone with whom I was in elementary and middle school. I really don't understand this one. I briefly had a crush on him in middle school, but haven't seen or thought about this person in over 20 years.
4. I keep going on these weird vacations. I'm always with people I would never vacation with, I never know how/when we got there, and I always have trouble getting home.
Those are the main ones I remember, so I can deduce a few things. The world is about to end, and I have the insight on where to hide...although, if it really is Armageddon, you can't hide, so I don't completely understand that part.
Maybe I should go back to college to get my master's like I've been saying for 10 years. That would actually be ideal, and maybe my memory is bad in the dream, because I'm so much older than I was in undergrad.
I'm thinking the weird crush one is to possibly reconnect with old friends; I may still have to think about that...and clearly, I need a vacation. That one's simple. Actually, I don't know how much I believe in dreams, but I kid you not when I say that these have been playing on a loop for months now. I even watched a horror movie last night and fully expected a vampire to stalk me, and it didn't happen. No, I was obsessed with going to a high school football game, which I didn't even do when I was in high school.
Friday, June 08, 2012
Slow down; my ADHD can't keep up with..was that a monkey?
I started my new job this week. Having never been a salesperson, I'm starting to take it personally that people I know already won't call me back or respond to my e-mails. I completely understand how sales should work, but it's hard to put that into practice when I'm an "untouchable" by modern communication.
I'm currently watching three shows simultaneously on Netflix, "Sons of Anarchy," "Breaking Bad," and "Friday Night Lights." I was late to the party on these shows, so I'm thrilled to have found good entertainment..not that I can't watch car repo shows currently 24/7, but at least I feel smarter after watching these shows. Also, I'm actively reading two books at once, John Irving's new one, "In One Person," and Jillian Medoff's "I Couldn't Love You More." They're both so good, I'm taking turns.
I went from having nearly nothing to do or to occupy my time to not having time to think or take a breath. I would imagine this is what being a parent is like, but add lack of sleep and doing all I'm doing in addition for caring for a tiny person. I don't know how people do it. I really don't. My sister has two kids, 10 and 5, a demanding full-time job, and she's like a perpetual motion machine. It makes me tired to even consider.
Now, I'm full of thoughts of how to market and sell myself, who's a potential client, why won't John Doe call me back, business cards, events, networking, Angry Birds, lasagna, monkeys in commercials....and you see how my brain is an insane asylum.
Also, we're still trying to put our Fultondale house on the market...maybe two more trips and we're done...(I think) I appreciate Merry Maids for existing so after we've done all this packing, they can clean the house, and we don't have to. I would rather ski down a razor blade into a vat of orange juice than clean the entire house after we've packed it. That's how appealing it is. Oh, anyone want a 3-bedroom, 2-bath house in Fultondale? It has an awesome front porch...:)...that I miss...a LOT.
I'm currently watching three shows simultaneously on Netflix, "Sons of Anarchy," "Breaking Bad," and "Friday Night Lights." I was late to the party on these shows, so I'm thrilled to have found good entertainment..not that I can't watch car repo shows currently 24/7, but at least I feel smarter after watching these shows. Also, I'm actively reading two books at once, John Irving's new one, "In One Person," and Jillian Medoff's "I Couldn't Love You More." They're both so good, I'm taking turns.
I went from having nearly nothing to do or to occupy my time to not having time to think or take a breath. I would imagine this is what being a parent is like, but add lack of sleep and doing all I'm doing in addition for caring for a tiny person. I don't know how people do it. I really don't. My sister has two kids, 10 and 5, a demanding full-time job, and she's like a perpetual motion machine. It makes me tired to even consider.
Now, I'm full of thoughts of how to market and sell myself, who's a potential client, why won't John Doe call me back, business cards, events, networking, Angry Birds, lasagna, monkeys in commercials....and you see how my brain is an insane asylum.
Also, we're still trying to put our Fultondale house on the market...maybe two more trips and we're done...(I think) I appreciate Merry Maids for existing so after we've done all this packing, they can clean the house, and we don't have to. I would rather ski down a razor blade into a vat of orange juice than clean the entire house after we've packed it. That's how appealing it is. Oh, anyone want a 3-bedroom, 2-bath house in Fultondale? It has an awesome front porch...:)...that I miss...a LOT.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
The curse and bonus of a long-distance relationship with family
My mother had total knee-replacement surgery last week. I am very, very glad she did it, as her knee has progressively gone from annoying to acutely painful, and this type of thing doesn't resolve itself. She had been putting it off because she is the prime caretaker of my 92-year-old grandmother and my 49-year-old pill popping brother. My sister and I had explained to her that if she waited too long to have it done, it would be a far worse recovery, and she would be worse off having it at 75 than 72.
Here's the thing, and this happened when my dad was sick and basically dying. The closest I've lived since I got married is Birmingham, which is 2 1/2 hours away from Macon, where they live. When my dad was sick, I drove back and forth as much as possible and felt like the world's worst daughter when I had to leave to go home for work. I now live about 4 hours from Macon, and in the past week, I have driven from Albertville to Tuscaloosa, back to Albertville, to Birmingham, to Tuscaloosa, to Macon and to Albertville again. I really can't do the math on the gas I've used right now, plus math is stupid, but the point is, I couldn't stay.
On the day I left my mom in the swing bed in Macon on Saturday, they thought she might need a blood transfusion, and I offered my blood while thinking in the back of my head, "Will that make me woozy while driving?" I would've stayed the night, even though it would've meant dealing with my palsy-esque brother digging for Xanax wherever it may be, but they wouldn't take my stupid blood. You have to go through United Blood Services where they do all that stuff to it, which in theory, is smart, but when your mom needs blood and doesn't want a stranger's blood, I was considering a YouTube video on how to drain your own blood so I could give her mine. Stupid regulations. I have all this blood; if someone I love needs it, they should have it.
So I came back home Saturday, only to be calling home to check on my mother and grandmother at least twice a day. Almost every time I talk to them, they wish I could come back. I experienced this with my dad when he was dying. He always asked for me to come visit when I could and said I brightened his day. My mom and grandmother say the same thing, almost verbatim. It is so flattering to be a source of happiness to them, but it is literally heart-piercing that I can't just go visit every day. I need to talk to my mom's doctor and nurses and know what exactly her stats and vitals and situation is, but I have a husband and a life that is 200 miles away, and I have to be okay with that without feeling like the worst daughter/granddaughter in the history of the world.
It is so hard growing older and learning that you become the caretaker of your parents and grandparents, but you can't sacrifice your life for that, so you have to balance as best you can. I admit, that while I do what I can, I sometimes come home and cry to Smitty that I feel like a failure as a child/grandchild, and the situation with my drug-addicted brother compounds the issue. I don't trust him to take care of a rabid ferret, but I can't be there to constantly monitor the situation. We make our decisions, we live with them, and we do the best we can for all of our families...and that's all I'm trying to do. I am not perfect, I am not all-together, but I know what needs to be done in certain situations, and I can't understand why those closest to the situation can't get their acts together and act like adults. If I had independent income or such, I'd be there kicking asses and taking names and putting folks in rehab, but as it is, I'm here, trying to rule a mini-empire from afar.
Here's the thing, and this happened when my dad was sick and basically dying. The closest I've lived since I got married is Birmingham, which is 2 1/2 hours away from Macon, where they live. When my dad was sick, I drove back and forth as much as possible and felt like the world's worst daughter when I had to leave to go home for work. I now live about 4 hours from Macon, and in the past week, I have driven from Albertville to Tuscaloosa, back to Albertville, to Birmingham, to Tuscaloosa, to Macon and to Albertville again. I really can't do the math on the gas I've used right now, plus math is stupid, but the point is, I couldn't stay.
On the day I left my mom in the swing bed in Macon on Saturday, they thought she might need a blood transfusion, and I offered my blood while thinking in the back of my head, "Will that make me woozy while driving?" I would've stayed the night, even though it would've meant dealing with my palsy-esque brother digging for Xanax wherever it may be, but they wouldn't take my stupid blood. You have to go through United Blood Services where they do all that stuff to it, which in theory, is smart, but when your mom needs blood and doesn't want a stranger's blood, I was considering a YouTube video on how to drain your own blood so I could give her mine. Stupid regulations. I have all this blood; if someone I love needs it, they should have it.
So I came back home Saturday, only to be calling home to check on my mother and grandmother at least twice a day. Almost every time I talk to them, they wish I could come back. I experienced this with my dad when he was dying. He always asked for me to come visit when I could and said I brightened his day. My mom and grandmother say the same thing, almost verbatim. It is so flattering to be a source of happiness to them, but it is literally heart-piercing that I can't just go visit every day. I need to talk to my mom's doctor and nurses and know what exactly her stats and vitals and situation is, but I have a husband and a life that is 200 miles away, and I have to be okay with that without feeling like the worst daughter/granddaughter in the history of the world.
It is so hard growing older and learning that you become the caretaker of your parents and grandparents, but you can't sacrifice your life for that, so you have to balance as best you can. I admit, that while I do what I can, I sometimes come home and cry to Smitty that I feel like a failure as a child/grandchild, and the situation with my drug-addicted brother compounds the issue. I don't trust him to take care of a rabid ferret, but I can't be there to constantly monitor the situation. We make our decisions, we live with them, and we do the best we can for all of our families...and that's all I'm trying to do. I am not perfect, I am not all-together, but I know what needs to be done in certain situations, and I can't understand why those closest to the situation can't get their acts together and act like adults. If I had independent income or such, I'd be there kicking asses and taking names and putting folks in rehab, but as it is, I'm here, trying to rule a mini-empire from afar.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Tolstoy had a point about families
This has been a stressful few days. I don't like to say that usually, because we all have stress and whining about it seems like a signal to put on my big girl panties, but I'm to the point that I need to say it. My mother had total knee replacement surgery on Monday. She's fine, well she'd be fine if she wasn't periodically looped out of her gourd on the pain pump and anesthesia, but she will eventually be okay. A few things happened as a result of her surgery:
1. I realized I could make a possible fortune recording post-anesthesia patients in their incoherent ramblings. My mom asked," How much money did I get for her leg," when I told her to pull up her gown in the front, she said, "But then they won't know how sexy I am," we argued repeatedly about whether or not she had actually had her surgery, and even though I showed her the gauze around her leg, indicated that we were in a hospital room, and told her I'd met her doctor, she wouldn't believe me until the nurse confirmed it. She also informed me that "I wasn't a doctor," when I told her she couldn't just get up and walk, but then later told me that I should be a nurse. That's a perfect indication of how whacked out she was.
2. I don't know what hospitals are thinking with the whole "chair bed" situation when someone is sleeping with the patient at night. It is literally Satan's recliner. It's vinyl, so you stick to it, it doesn't give, so your back will resemble George Burns in the morning, and you have to give them a damn kidney to even get a pillow. I've always said I could sleep anywhere, and I did, barring the hourly conversations with my mom "No, you can't get up; go back to sleep," but I felt like I had been in a fold-able taco for most of the night.
3. Some people suck in emergency/care-taker situations. They just do. I have an odd talent of being a flake about 80% of the time, but truly excelling at medical, emergency, etc...issues. I fed my mom, I repeated the same things over and over, I saw her butt more times than I care to count, but I felt good about it, because she's my Mama. I don't want her to suffer or be helpless or upset, even if she drives me around the bend sometimes, she's the only mother I have, and I love her and want her to be around for a long time. My sister is a good care-taker, too. She has kids, so she's probably better than me, but we are helpful people in these situations.
I will say this, because it's my blog, and I don't really give a flip who knows this, because as far as I'm concerned, denial and secrecy are a bunch of bullshit, my brother is a drug addict. He is addicted to prescription pain medication to the point that he can barely function. My sister and I try to maintain a civil relationship to keep the peace in the family, but I'm done with that. I don't make excuses for myself, and I'm not doing it for anyone else anymore. Addiction runs in our family, but that is no excuse at all. I've been in dark places in my life before, and I pulled myself out of them. I have no respect or sympathy for someone who has been handed everything on a silver plate his whole life, and has never taken responsibility for his own actions. For all I know, my brother could be dead in 5 years, and that makes me sad for the effect it would have on my mother and grandmother, but for me, it would almost be a relief. If that makes me a bad person, I don't care. I've had 34 years to witness the most selfish behavior a person can exhibit, and I'm done.
4. I can sometimes be a glass-empty person. If you know me well, you probably think I'm funny and dry and optimistic. At the heart of myself, I am optimistic, but my mind tends to go to the negative pretty fast. When the doctor ordered a standard pneumonia test for my mom, I immediately thought that she would have pneumonia and die from it, and I started crying. Granted, I had 4 hours of sleep and drove from Tuscaloosa to Albertville, but I started to think that I wouldn't have any parents anymore at 34, and my dad's death was devastating, but what would I do without my mom, too?
She's fine, no pneumonia, and I cried at that news, too. I want to have a better relationship with her. She sacrificed a lot for us as children and worked her ass off to better our family, and she deserves to enjoy her life. As sufficiently creeped out by her dating as I am, she deserves someone to appreciate her and show her a fun time.
I guess the majority of my realizations have been that life is too short to waste time on guilt and enabling and lost causes. I want to enjoy the love I feel for both my families, natural and in-lawed, and I want to strengthen those ties. I don't want to waste any more time being told to forgive a person who doesn't warrant it or feeling guilty for reasons related to that. I'm 34 years old, and I don't need to be told how to feel or act.
1. I realized I could make a possible fortune recording post-anesthesia patients in their incoherent ramblings. My mom asked," How much money did I get for her leg," when I told her to pull up her gown in the front, she said, "But then they won't know how sexy I am," we argued repeatedly about whether or not she had actually had her surgery, and even though I showed her the gauze around her leg, indicated that we were in a hospital room, and told her I'd met her doctor, she wouldn't believe me until the nurse confirmed it. She also informed me that "I wasn't a doctor," when I told her she couldn't just get up and walk, but then later told me that I should be a nurse. That's a perfect indication of how whacked out she was.
2. I don't know what hospitals are thinking with the whole "chair bed" situation when someone is sleeping with the patient at night. It is literally Satan's recliner. It's vinyl, so you stick to it, it doesn't give, so your back will resemble George Burns in the morning, and you have to give them a damn kidney to even get a pillow. I've always said I could sleep anywhere, and I did, barring the hourly conversations with my mom "No, you can't get up; go back to sleep," but I felt like I had been in a fold-able taco for most of the night.
3. Some people suck in emergency/care-taker situations. They just do. I have an odd talent of being a flake about 80% of the time, but truly excelling at medical, emergency, etc...issues. I fed my mom, I repeated the same things over and over, I saw her butt more times than I care to count, but I felt good about it, because she's my Mama. I don't want her to suffer or be helpless or upset, even if she drives me around the bend sometimes, she's the only mother I have, and I love her and want her to be around for a long time. My sister is a good care-taker, too. She has kids, so she's probably better than me, but we are helpful people in these situations.
I will say this, because it's my blog, and I don't really give a flip who knows this, because as far as I'm concerned, denial and secrecy are a bunch of bullshit, my brother is a drug addict. He is addicted to prescription pain medication to the point that he can barely function. My sister and I try to maintain a civil relationship to keep the peace in the family, but I'm done with that. I don't make excuses for myself, and I'm not doing it for anyone else anymore. Addiction runs in our family, but that is no excuse at all. I've been in dark places in my life before, and I pulled myself out of them. I have no respect or sympathy for someone who has been handed everything on a silver plate his whole life, and has never taken responsibility for his own actions. For all I know, my brother could be dead in 5 years, and that makes me sad for the effect it would have on my mother and grandmother, but for me, it would almost be a relief. If that makes me a bad person, I don't care. I've had 34 years to witness the most selfish behavior a person can exhibit, and I'm done.
4. I can sometimes be a glass-empty person. If you know me well, you probably think I'm funny and dry and optimistic. At the heart of myself, I am optimistic, but my mind tends to go to the negative pretty fast. When the doctor ordered a standard pneumonia test for my mom, I immediately thought that she would have pneumonia and die from it, and I started crying. Granted, I had 4 hours of sleep and drove from Tuscaloosa to Albertville, but I started to think that I wouldn't have any parents anymore at 34, and my dad's death was devastating, but what would I do without my mom, too?
She's fine, no pneumonia, and I cried at that news, too. I want to have a better relationship with her. She sacrificed a lot for us as children and worked her ass off to better our family, and she deserves to enjoy her life. As sufficiently creeped out by her dating as I am, she deserves someone to appreciate her and show her a fun time.
I guess the majority of my realizations have been that life is too short to waste time on guilt and enabling and lost causes. I want to enjoy the love I feel for both my families, natural and in-lawed, and I want to strengthen those ties. I don't want to waste any more time being told to forgive a person who doesn't warrant it or feeling guilty for reasons related to that. I'm 34 years old, and I don't need to be told how to feel or act.
Thursday, May 03, 2012
CSI: Albertville??
I've been trying to think of productive, yet entertaining ways to pass the time until I find a job. One idea I had was amateur crime solver, like Psych or The Mentalist. I am neither psychic nor particularly observant, but I thought the plan had some merit. My first self-assigned case is trying to figure out what in God's name our upstairs neighbors are doing that requires hammering that doesn't begin until at least 10 p.m. and doesn't seem to stop until around 4 a.m. They also have a small child you can hearing running around at any given time during these hours.
My theories so far are: meth lab or small sweat shop. I figure they could be loading the kid up on sugar and having him assemble Chinese toys or clothes. And outside of Breaking Bad, my knowledge of meth is pretty limited, so I don't know if you have to build a lab, per se, but I figure if you're already taking the meth, it gives you the energy to hammer until 4 a.m. Needless to say, I miss our house and the fact that the loudest thing we contended with was our mid-life crisis neighbor and his garage band. I need a little notepad and a sidekick. I'm working on the sidekick, but I hope to solve this mystery before Smitty breaks down their door and waylays them, Commando-style.
I've noticed a trend here in Marshall County, Alabama. People have yard sales like crazy. However, their idea of a yard sale is, any and all days of the week, to put all of their crap in the yard in no discernible order and then spray paint a "Yard Sale" sign. Now, I'm no snob (ha), but to me, this seems more like a career if you try to sell all of your belongings every day. I'm familiar with weekend yard sales that are a little more organized; this is new.
Also, why is the store Dirt Cheap's mascot a chicken? If you're not familiar, it's like a Dollar General, discount-type store...but there is a chicken on their sign. Is this because chickens peck around in dirt, do chickens also enjoy bargains? Did they cross the road to get to a sale? I don't understand.
One of my favorite quotes ever that weighs on my mind while looking for a job:
"I say beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes."
Henry David Thoreau
My theories so far are: meth lab or small sweat shop. I figure they could be loading the kid up on sugar and having him assemble Chinese toys or clothes. And outside of Breaking Bad, my knowledge of meth is pretty limited, so I don't know if you have to build a lab, per se, but I figure if you're already taking the meth, it gives you the energy to hammer until 4 a.m. Needless to say, I miss our house and the fact that the loudest thing we contended with was our mid-life crisis neighbor and his garage band. I need a little notepad and a sidekick. I'm working on the sidekick, but I hope to solve this mystery before Smitty breaks down their door and waylays them, Commando-style.
I've noticed a trend here in Marshall County, Alabama. People have yard sales like crazy. However, their idea of a yard sale is, any and all days of the week, to put all of their crap in the yard in no discernible order and then spray paint a "Yard Sale" sign. Now, I'm no snob (ha), but to me, this seems more like a career if you try to sell all of your belongings every day. I'm familiar with weekend yard sales that are a little more organized; this is new.
Also, why is the store Dirt Cheap's mascot a chicken? If you're not familiar, it's like a Dollar General, discount-type store...but there is a chicken on their sign. Is this because chickens peck around in dirt, do chickens also enjoy bargains? Did they cross the road to get to a sale? I don't understand.
One of my favorite quotes ever that weighs on my mind while looking for a job:
"I say beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes."
Henry David Thoreau
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Politics, shmolitics
So it's pretty much set, President Obama will square off against R2D2, I mean Mitt Romney, in November. I think it's going to be a pretty interesting election. No one really likes Romney, but he's the best shot against Obama, and even loyal supporters of Obama are more than a little tired of waiting on results. It's going to be like an Ugly Sister contest. Whoever wins doesn't really win.
What I do find interesting are the increasingly bizarre things for which Obama gets blamed. Just this morning, I read a Facebook post that somehow blamed him for the breakdown of race relations in America. I'm sorry, you might not like or agree with the guy, but just like I can't blame everything on George W. Bush, the right-wing crazies can't blame everything on Obama. It's just not a sound argument.
At this point, I'm just sick of all the negativity surrounding politics. I've never understood why candidates can't stand on their own merits, rather than pointing out their opponents' flaws. Also, of course they're going to make promises, but can't they ever just keep 1/2 of them? That would be more than we've come to expect. It's just disillusioning.
On another note, I'm still trying find a home for Zoe, our German shepherd. I've had some pretty bad experiences with Alabama shelters so far. Either their phones are disconnected or their website information is old, or they aren't taking animals. What's the point of an animal shelter if you can rarely accept new animals? It's extremely frustrating...so I implore...PLEASE...anyone that wants a sweet, happy dog, let me know....
Ever think about how job searching is like dating? It has further reinforced that I'm glad I don't have to date anymore..Ugh
What I do find interesting are the increasingly bizarre things for which Obama gets blamed. Just this morning, I read a Facebook post that somehow blamed him for the breakdown of race relations in America. I'm sorry, you might not like or agree with the guy, but just like I can't blame everything on George W. Bush, the right-wing crazies can't blame everything on Obama. It's just not a sound argument.
At this point, I'm just sick of all the negativity surrounding politics. I've never understood why candidates can't stand on their own merits, rather than pointing out their opponents' flaws. Also, of course they're going to make promises, but can't they ever just keep 1/2 of them? That would be more than we've come to expect. It's just disillusioning.
On another note, I'm still trying find a home for Zoe, our German shepherd. I've had some pretty bad experiences with Alabama shelters so far. Either their phones are disconnected or their website information is old, or they aren't taking animals. What's the point of an animal shelter if you can rarely accept new animals? It's extremely frustrating...so I implore...PLEASE...anyone that wants a sweet, happy dog, let me know....
Ever think about how job searching is like dating? It has further reinforced that I'm glad I don't have to date anymore..Ugh
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Down to the basics....way down
I'm bored; I'm driving myself crazy. I am also driving Smitty crazy, as when he (human interaction) comes home, I am sometimes overcome with verbal diarrhea where I assault him with words and questions and general musings about my day...
I'm doing fairly well with housework and acting like a '50s wife, but somehow that doesn't seem to satiate my need for doing something...anything, where other people are involved. This is kind of ironic, as I am not really crazy about other people, and I know I'm idealizing working with them, but I do not do well by myself for long periods of time.
I should be writing constantly or reading "Anna Karenina" or something productive, but more often, I find myself watching Bravo and eating Piroulines. I am crazy applying for jobs, and I'm keeping my optimism as high as someone like myself can, so I do logically know this is only temporary, but still...
I have to give myself a slight pass, because I did have sinus surgery less than two weeks ago...as surgeries go, not a bad one, except now it feels like my nose wants to leave my body and is trying to accomplish this by pure, unadulterated pain that starts at the top of my head and radiates to my teeth. Have another follow-up Thursday, considering asking for a running Rx of Oxycodone...I honestly don't see how people get addicted to it..it does almost nothing...I don't think drugs work for me like they're supposed to. Honestly, the pain might be dulled slightly, but what's the addictive factor? I guess I'll ask Rush Limbaugh, should I ever be forced to meet him in some kind of Dante-esque experience.
Also, I'm trying to find a home for our German shepherd, Zoe. My mom is taking care of Norton, but she couldn't take Zoe, and I have driven to every shelter in Marshall County and been refused. I want her to go to a good family with kids that can run her around the yard, but we're having a tough time...I'll post a pic in hopes one of you or someone you know might want her...
I'm doing fairly well with housework and acting like a '50s wife, but somehow that doesn't seem to satiate my need for doing something...anything, where other people are involved. This is kind of ironic, as I am not really crazy about other people, and I know I'm idealizing working with them, but I do not do well by myself for long periods of time.
I should be writing constantly or reading "Anna Karenina" or something productive, but more often, I find myself watching Bravo and eating Piroulines. I am crazy applying for jobs, and I'm keeping my optimism as high as someone like myself can, so I do logically know this is only temporary, but still...
I have to give myself a slight pass, because I did have sinus surgery less than two weeks ago...as surgeries go, not a bad one, except now it feels like my nose wants to leave my body and is trying to accomplish this by pure, unadulterated pain that starts at the top of my head and radiates to my teeth. Have another follow-up Thursday, considering asking for a running Rx of Oxycodone...I honestly don't see how people get addicted to it..it does almost nothing...I don't think drugs work for me like they're supposed to. Honestly, the pain might be dulled slightly, but what's the addictive factor? I guess I'll ask Rush Limbaugh, should I ever be forced to meet him in some kind of Dante-esque experience.
Also, I'm trying to find a home for our German shepherd, Zoe. My mom is taking care of Norton, but she couldn't take Zoe, and I have driven to every shelter in Marshall County and been refused. I want her to go to a good family with kids that can run her around the yard, but we're having a tough time...I'll post a pic in hopes one of you or someone you know might want her...
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