What's the point, indeed?

My friend Layla posed a question earlier today that was way more profound than this, but the gist was, "How do you keep going as a positive person/force in the face of the misery/futility in the world?" I answered her, as best as I could, maybe not giving it as much thought as I should've, but I meant what I said. The less-verbose gist of what I said, along with a Dr. Seuss quote, was that I try to think of myself as the person in need and consider the possibility of no one caring, no one doing anything to help another person, another animal, another cause, and how truly sad a place that would make the world. But, I've thought about it more since then. What actually, does keep us going?

I don't know how to categorize myself. I'm not an optimist, but I really do swear that I'm not a pessimist. I'm sarcastic and self-deprecating, but I have and always will think that there is mostly good in the world. I want to believe the best in others, which is why I continuously have my heart shattered into little bits, but I don't stop believing, so I like to think of that as insane optimism, actually...expecting different results from relatively the same variables.

I wouldn't say I'm a sucker, but I probably do have a higher tolerance than most for trying to extract the good or nonexistent from people about whom I care. I tend to sell myself short in this regard, because it seems like I'm constantly elevating people who don't necessarily deserve it to a pedestal, while relegating myself to street level and being okay with that.

I'm trying to work on that, but I refuse to become a true cynic. I have too much romance and poetry in my heart to harden it to reflect the things I've been through in the last few years. It would be so incredibly easy, much, much easier, in fact, to close myself off and refuse to let anyone in, and don't think I haven't considered it. But, my stupid idealist heart can't do it. As much as I want to rail against the male gender and point out how I've been wronged, my head knows I can't blame the whole lot. As much as I want to curse the fates and God and the world for finding myself with only a handful of immediate family, and a mother with cancer, and I miss my father so much, I want to climb to Heaven and drag him back down here, I don't. I comfort myself with memories and and the love I knew growing up, and I relent.

So, I can't answer for everyone, and I would never presume to, but I do know that you can't let one bad experience or even 10 bad experiences define and shape you. I'll tell you honestly, I have no idea who "I" am. I'm slowly working it out. I had the misfortune of leading a relatively charmed life until recently, and nothing will set your ass straighter than being knocked off that particular chair. I'm knocking on the door of 37, divorced, single, with a hopeful heart, and all I know is that I long for happiness and peace, in whatever form I might find it. We all deserve it, and I make no apologies for wanting it.