Would anyone like a series of good thoughts for Christmas? It's all I can afford.

I am pretty well freaking the hell out. I am moving in 8 days, and I have only now, at this time, come to appreciate the pure lunacy of that. I have no job and like $200 to my name. God bless my coddling mother, or I would be living with a troll under one of the many fine bridges in Birmingham. I do have a very promising job prospect, and hopefully, God is granting me favor after the last shit-kicker of a year and timing everything perfectly so that everything works out just right.

It is absolutely ridiculously expensive to move. To even have your basic utilities activated takes about $300, not to mention the additional security and pet deposits, and pro-rated rent. Oh, and they now require you to have renter's insurance. We bitch about making medical insurance mandatory, but no peeps about mandatory renter's insurance. Hmmm...Kinda makes our priorities a little skewed, if you ask me, but no one did.

I found an endless supply of boxes at the liquor store, but then realized, when wrapping dishes, I have no newspaper. AUGH. Luckily, most of the boxes seem to have individual dividers, but I'm not above using towels or clothes, because if I have to spend one more cent on this move, I'll be the poorest resident living near the Summit.

I've started to think in really bizarre terms, like, what could I sell? I'm already trying to sell my wedding dress, and the only response I got was a weird Craig's List answer about using a cashier's check or something. On a related note, I've decided Craig's List is basically just a cyber meeting place for flim-flammers and giant weirdos. Yes, I said flim flammers. Every job I pursued on there turned out to be a "home-based" one where I would have to deposit money in my account for some nefarious shipping purposes, and every apartment involved swingers, pre-operative transvestites who did not sound fun at all, or people who were fine with themselves owning 11 cats, but not a roommate bringing a small dog.

I could probably sell my blood or plasma, if they still do that. Dammit that I'm not a guy. I would sell my sperm in a heartbeat. That has to be the easiest money you could make. Not invasive, no needles involved...you're gonna be doing that anyway; you may as well get paid for it. Unfortunately, I am not a particularly valuable commodity. If you could get paid for arguing or knowing the state capitals or owning too many shoes, I'm golden, but truly, I would be sunk in a barter society.

Alas, I will have to just console myself with the fact that shortly, I will be the independent state of Emily again, broke or not, and have a new space and a new start and God help me, a new job. The order of things will once again be restored, and I won't have 17 insurance agents calling me with renter's insurance quotes or be paying $200 for a water bill, which includes the actual bill, along with my blood vow to give them a kidney or my first-born in the event I can't pay. Isn't that what Rumpelstiltskin wanted? I think they're all in this mess together.