All creatures great and small....

I really don't care for nature. I like looking at pictures of it, and I 
appreciate the planet. I don't litter, I drive a tiny car made of 
recycled cans that gets like 100 miles per gallon, but I don't care for 
dirt, bugs, the outdoors in general and now I can add to my list...LIZARDS.
 
This morning, as I am sleepily fumbling around to get out of the house 
and get to work in a timely manner, I see a long, spindly "thing" in my 
peripheral vision. I first think "snake" and that I'm either going to 
die or pee on myself, and then I see the rest of its body, and realize 
"ah, lizard," which was a very brief relief followed with "OMG, what do 
I do, what do I do," as Smitty was at work, and I have no survival skills.
 
It calmly looked at me, not moving, as if to say, "what is your problem? 
I'm just hanging out by the floor vent," while I stealthily crept into 
the living room/kitchen/pantry area to find a mechanism with which to 
scoop it. I thought I could scoop it into a plastic bag, but then 
assumed that would make too much noise, and it would scamper away and I 
would subsequently fall down and suffer a head injury, (which I almost 
did once when a spider jumped on me..I don't deal well with these things).
 
So, my solution was to plug our bedroom door with plastic bags as to 
trap it, leaving it to try on my underwear and jewelry, until Smitty 
came home at lunch to catch it...which he did...which means I don't have 
to divorce him so that I never have to set foot in our house again. 
Crisis averted. I am attaching a picture of Milton, as I've named him, 
to demonstrate the emergency effectively. If you think he looks small,  
you are quite wrong. He was a foot long if he was an inch, and while he 
appears docile in these photos, I am almost certain I saw a tiny 
switchblade before I left him in our bedroom. He was bad news, but we 
(and by we, I mean  Smitty) nonetheless set him free, unharmed back into 
nature. Ugh, nature.